Best of Enemies. pt 5.

[Barry Arrowsmith]

Heading down the home straight.
Just the duo that have featured towards the latter part of the series 
to deal with. Though it's been so much fun (for me, I don't really 
bother too much about you) that I'll have to think of  something else 
to perpetrate on a tolerant fandom.

Confirmation of Folklore stereotypes here: wizards may be dangerous, 
but if you want somebody really nasty, it's a witch that  invariably 
take the biscuit.
So last, though by no means least, let's take an opportunity to examine 
that pitiless pair from the distaff side.

To many of the fans these two are the cruelest, the most sadistic of 
the lot. No surprise there. The fairer sex, traditionally regarded as 
caring and compassionate, has sometimes thrown up individuals 
demonstrating a potential for vindictiveness and viciousness that is 
awe-inspiring. My word, yes. ("Salome, dear - not in the fridge.") 
Fortunately (for everybody else) it's usually directed at individuals, 
though those that embrace a 'cause' tend to be even more of a worry.

And with these two we have both ends of the spectrum - the two-faced 
cow who would smilingly poison your porridge for failing to lower the 
loo-seat and the loony who wants to change the world.

Right.
Dolores Jane Umbridge.
Dear Dolly.

I've got a theory about Dolly. I browse through the books and it 
strikes me that any adult claiming pureblood ancestry is never 
described as wearing Muggle clothes unless it is absolutely necessary - 
like when Arthur wanders through London on his way to the Ministry with 
Harry. It's sort of backed up by Madam Malkin - "Robes for *all* 
occasions" (my emphasis). But Dolly, she wears a fluffy cardigan, even 
at Hogwarts. Therein lies the key to her mind-boggling subservience to 
the whims of the  Ministry. She's looking for acceptance and approval 
from the ruling clique and believes that by out-Heroding Herod she'll 
crack the glass ceiling and become one of the boys - in a manner of 
speaking. It may also to a certain extent explain her public antagonism 
towards half-breeds of any stripe and would indicate a *very* twisted 
mind.

Harry is still seen as a problem despite the press campaign 
characterising him as a delusional half-wit, and in the privacy of his 
office no doubt Fudge has muttered the WW equivalent of "Who will rid 
me of this turbulent priest?"
Enter faithful minion - "Me, sir!" Though it probably wasn't as blatant 
as that. However, she remembers Harry's apparent susceptibility to 
Dementors (no surprise since IMO it was Fudge who sicced 'em on Harry 
in the first place when they were supposedly playing kiss-chase with 
Sirius. Dolly may be nasty, but an original thinker she ain't. A 
bureaucrat follows precedent.)

Can't fail - or so she thinks; if he beats off the Dementors he can be 
nailed for using magic in the presence of a Muggle. Might have worked - 
except for DD, an independent thinker, though he does have the virtue 
of usually keeping his mouth shut in public, and who through his 
interference promptly gets himself promoted to number 2 on Dolly's shit 
list. Time to crush this nest of vipers, these mockers of Ministry 
omniscience!

So Dolly goes to war using the weapons she knows best - decrees; 
memoranda; rules; administrative punishments - though with her own 
little embellishments to make them more memorable. And war it is, so 
far as she's concerned; strategy, tactics, manoeuvre, ambush. The 
Ministry is being defied by a snotty kid and an old fool. Stop the rot 
- now. Otherwise who knows where it'll end?

It may all have started by arguing that the end justifies the means but 
as she becomes more involved this fades as the rationale behind her 
actions. No longer is the extirpation of dissent the main goal, instead 
power whispers seductively in her shell-like. Hogwarts, once a 
reasonably independent institution with it's own ethic and Board of 
Governors, can be re-made in the image of the Ministry. The curriculum 
will be adjusted to be more congruent with MoM thinking and policy; a 
more complaisant teaching staff is needed - some of them have been 
around for decades! What do they know of the needs of modern wizarding 
society? Hm. Now why does this ring a bell?

The hopelessly out-dated (Sybil), the intransigent (DD, Minerva) or the 
"not quite what we're looking for" (Hagrid) are surplus to 
requirements; one way or another they have to go. And go they do. 
Triumph! Only it isn't. Resistance remains. The capacity of 
like-thinking groups of hom. sap. to retreat into sheer 
bloody-mindedness and truculence when imposed on by outsiders is a 
common phenomenon, and so it proves here. Even Quisling Slytherins 
don't help much. Dolly eventually falls through her own greed. You 
don't really think the 'weapon' would be handed straight over to the 
Ministry, do you? Oh, no. Dolly has visions of power and authority. 
Poor Dolly.

The major question is "Was Dolly an associate/supporter of Voldy?" No, 
I don't think so. It would be a meaningless question to ask Dolly, 
she's not bothered about individuals that much, more about systems, 
smooth running administration, and the removal of obstacles thereto. 
And if Voldy took over the Ministry?
Well, it'd mean he was the right man for the job, wouldn't it?


Remember how Patsy from Ab Fab once described Saffy?
The Bitch-Troll from Hell.

For one who has taken up so little page space Mrs Lestrange has made 
quite an impact on fandom.

I suspect (here we go again - I can hear the sighs of exasperation from 
here) that it's because she seems so familiar. Any bloke who didn't 
rush off and marry his childhood sweetheart 5 minutes after finishing 
his education has an 80% chance of an encounter (or worse) with someone 
who bears striking similarities to Darling Bella. As Crouch!Moody so 
accurately puts it in GoF - "You can see it in the eyes." Yup. And as 
the sainted Willie Rushton observed in his seminal masterpiece "Super 
Pig" in every man's life there is one woman who turns his bowels to 
water. Oh yes.

This is such an incontrovertible truism that  the first response of 
keen fans to her appearance in the text was to postulate all sorts of, 
well - 'unhealthy' not to say disgusting interactions between Harry and 
Bella. And believe me, it's more fun than SHIPs. This despite the fact 
that she's done little to Harry apart from threatening him with her 
wand. Even that makes me break out in a light sweat.

One of my more whimsical observations on life is that what every 17 
year old boy needs is Tina Turner.  If she's not available, Bella will 
make a damn good substitute. Less imaginative posters hypothesise a 
show-down between her and Neville. How mundane can you get? Have you no 
soul, is there no fire in your belly? *This* could be epic. Ginny will 
be Burger-King after Michellin 3 star; Hermione boiled cabbage after 
fois gras. Lucky, lucky Harry.

La Belle Dame Sans Merci. And if she finds Harry alone and palely 
loitering, his goose is cooked.

A series of posts on anti-Harry characters ends with Bella; she's been 
saved to last because she's the *next* anti-Harry character in the 
series - or I  very much hope so. 5 months and 3 weeks to savour the 
possibilities.
Is that enough time?

Kneasy