How do you rate?

[Barry Arrowsmith]

What sort of Potter fan are you?
Find your definitive classification from Kneasy's handy questionaire.

Yes folks, this is it.
Cunningly contrived questions will elicit answers that reveal what you 
really think about the Potter saga by plumbing the depths of your 
psychosis - or do I mean psychology?

Just check a), b), c) or d) for each question and learn how you rate in 
the Fans of Harry Potter stakes!

1. When strangers see me reading the book:
a) I  laugh and say that it's fun
b) I'm a bit defensive
c) I don't care what they think. Judgemental people are so  negative
d) They don't. It's a solitary vice practiced behind closed doors

2. The worst thing that can happen to Hermione is:
a) She fails her exams
b) She marries Ron
c) The Battered House-Elves Collective condemns her as 'patronising and 
unhelpful'
d) She develops cellulite

3. The worst thing that can happen to Ron is:
a) He dies
b) He marries Hermione
c) He doesn't marry Hermione
d) His colour-blindness is corrected and he realises only a plonker 
would have a bedroom in bright orange

4. I  read Harry Potter because:
a) I like to escape from the real world
b) It  helps me with my latin
c) It depicts a world where individuals are empowered
d) There are so many of the books around that it's the easiest to steal

5. The character in the books I identify with most is:
a) Harry
b) Dumbledore
c) Hermione
d) Are you kidding? Bill Weasley of course! Big bucks in the Finance 
Sector and something hot back at base. Hee! Talk about farting through 
silk!

6. Colin Creevey is:
a) A Muggle who is excited at entering a whole new world
b) An irritating plot device
c) A positive statement against heightism
d) The next one for the chop

7. I wish I'd gone to Hogwarts because:
a) Magic is cool
b) The food is better than at the dump I attended
c) I could use magic to improve society
d) Love potions are cheaper than dinner at a swish restaurant

8. Bella Lestrange is:
a) Evil
b) Hmm...interesting...
c) Obviously based on Margaret Thatcher
d) Founder Member of The Order of the Sisters of Perpetual PMT

9. If I looked in the Mirror of Erised, I'd see:
a) Me surrounded by a loving family
b) Me running the country
c) The answer to world poverty
d) A convincing argument for cosmetic surgery

10. Chocolate is:
a) A good pick-me-up
b) OK in moderation
c) Acceptable if it's from a 'Fair Trade' organisation
d) One of the four major food groups along with caffeine, nicotine and 
alcohol

11. If I was an Animagus, I'd want my animal form to be:
a) A lion
b) A dragon
c) A unicorn
d) That alien that nailed Sigourney Weaver

12. Gred and Forge are:
a) Mischievous but well-meaning
b) An escape fantasy from the pettifogging rules of modern life
c) A depiction of uncaring capitalism typical of patriarchal society
d) Used as examples to frighten couples in contraception clinics

13. Flying on a broomstick is:
a) Traditional, but Quidditch is a great idea
b) A bit Freudian, don't you think?
c) A good way to reduce greenhouse gases
d) Not advisable in the flight-path into Heathrow

14. Owl Post is:
a) A pretty neat idea
b) A good way to reduce junk mail
c) Exploitation of noble birds
d) *Cheep* (Ain't that a hoot?)

15. Voldemort:
a) Will be defeated
b) Is a bit two dimensional
c) Is the product of his upbringing and would respond positively to 
counseling
d) Needs to read, learn and inwardly digest through his watery bowels 
"The Evil Overlord" rules before the last book - otherwise he'll never 
cream that little scrote

16. When the series ends I'll:
a) Join the local Harry Potter group, dress up and be an embarrassment 
to my family
b) Post insightful critiques on websites
c) Recommend that others read HP for its social comment
d) Write a series of TBAY satires

So - how did you do?
Mostly a's - Congratulations! You are a true fan! You appreciate the 
books in the way that Jo obviously intended.

Mostly b's. Still not quite there yet, are you? Little bit picky and 
too ready to compare HP with reality, perhaps? Never mind, immerse 
yourself completely in the next two books and you'll be going to the 
top of the class, too!

Mostly c's. Oh dear. You really should get out more. Not everything is 
meant to be taken seriously, you know. Lighten up, laugh a little; try 
imagining something ridiculous - that Fudge is based on Tony Blair for 
example.

Mostly d's. You're an absolute disgrace. Is nothing sacred?