Handbook of Psycho-magical disorders?

[Barry Arrowsmith]

The following manuscript was found lining an old parrot cage in a  
junk-shop. There's no clue to the author or even if it is complete.  
Members might like to keep an eye open for further fragments.

Kneasy


Twonk's Disorder  (Compulsive Spelling Disorder).

Behavioural condition in which the sufferer attempts to use magical  
spells to solve all problems, fulfill all duties and perform all  
chores. Commonest amongst post-apprentice wizards and witches and is  
considered a mild expression of self-regard or egotism. Usually self- 
limiting, though rare individual cases have been reported where this  
pattern of behaviour continues into adulthood and beyond. (But see:  
Narcissistic Auto-magiplasty.)

The transient form is usually found in association with Cuddly's  
Erythematosis (Wand Itch)  where the patient seems unable to put  
their wand in their pocket and leave it there. Thus any excuse is  
considered reason enough to draw the wand and once drawn there is an  
overwhelming temptation to use it, even for the most trivial of actions.

Duration is commonly of a few weeks or months. No treatment is  
necessary apart from a few judiciously applied counter-spells to  
demonstrate that nobody likes a smart-arse.

The chronic form, though rare, can have such serious sequelae that  
all suspected cases must be reported to the relevant authorities.  
Cases on file demonstrate that the condition progresses through  
various stages, vis:-

a) From desiring to do everything possible by magical means to  
believing that everything can be done by magical means.
b) Including re-arranging society so that those more 'worthy' run  
things.
c) Megolamania
d) Wreaking death and destruction on dissenters.
e) Deployment of WMDs (Wizards of Mass Destruction)
f) The End Of Civilisation As We Know It.

The treatment of this very serious condition is outside the scope of  
this handbook, though readers can be assured that it is radical,  
aggressive and permanent.

(Note: Twonk's Disorder - Compulsive Spelling Disorder, is not to be  
confused with Twonk's Dysfunction - Copmulsife Sppeling Diserder,  
which is something entirely different.)


Narcissistic Auto-magiplasty.

Can present in a variety of forms. Known in common parlance as  
Flobber-lips, Todger's Doom, Sad-sacs, Stork-legs, etc., but all  
coming under the general heading of "Bod-mods". In essence these are  
self-administered cosmetic modifications .

The results are invariably ludicrous and/or disabling.
The unintended consequence of the "Engorgio!" spell in Todger's Doom,  
for example, is a concomitant reduction in blood flow to the brain,  
resulting in unconsciousness and thus rendering the whole exercise  
pointless. Some have  tried to counter this by permanently adopting  
an upside-down orientation -  which is not advisable when coming in  
to land when travelling by broomstick.

In extreme cases of 'Sad-sac' (particularly when the patient also  
resorts to wearing Madam Malkin's 'Magical Miss Uplift Robe') the  
result is often a restricted field of view (Canyon Vision), as the  
patient is effectively wearing blinkers.

The compulsion to indulge in such self-modification has its genesis  
ascribed variously to skewed self-perception, a desire to be  
different, peer pressure, adolescent experimentation or thoughtless  
stupidity. Whatever the root cause corrections are time-consuming and  
may never be entirely satisfactory.

Following Dingler's observation that since all decent magical folk  
spend the vast majority of their time swathed in all-enveloping robes  
one would therefore expect concerns about body features to be minor,  
a recent study set out to examine the condition in greater detail.  
The interim results tentatively concluded that the 'body-image  
problem' was probably the result of Muggle obsessions leaking into  
the Wizarding Realm, probably through the exposure of the more  
susceptible members of society to close contact with Muggles and  
Muggle artifacts - to posters and images in public places, for example.

Certain of the more forceful elements in the political sphere have  
intimated that this is  yet another reason for eliminating Muggles as  
they're "more trouble than they're worth". Others consider this as a  
trifle extreme, and that anyway the damage has already been done.

Treatment consists of correction (where possible and if requested), a  
damn good kicking for being so daft, and if under-age the  
confiscation or severe restrictions placed on the use of a wand. Once  
a patient is of age they can do whatever they wish to themselves;  
it's their own business and they must bear the consequences.


Monopodal Vertigitis  (Yard-high Phobia).

A form of Vertigo, manifested by a compulsion to keep one foot on the  
ground when flying a broomstick. This, of course, presents  
difficulties, particularly when flying over mountains, built-up  
areas, forests, or indeed anywhere except a flat frictionless field.

At one time thought erroneously to be caused by a spell covertly cast  
by boot and shoe manufacturers to enhance sales, this distressing  
condition was brought to the attention of the wider public with the  
publication of "Getting Lower" - the memoirs of cross-country speed  
champion Reg "Stumpy" Janks. This touching account of his struggle to  
overcome his handicap, his experiments with extendable legs,   
reciprocating knees, flying blindfolded, implanted illusions of the  
ground, etc., before advancing frictional erosion eventually forced  
him to fly between the blades of grass instead of above them, has  
become an inspirational classic.

Too late, alas. As we now know, there is no treatment. In order to  
travel any  significant distance by magical means, sufferers must  
either:-

a) show Reg's fortitude
b) be bound, gagged and blindfolded and tied to the back of a broomstick
c) apparate

Now in retirement Reg still tours the country, giving inspirational  
talks at meetings of Lop-sided Anonymous, proudly exhibiting the peg- 
leg with the terminal castor wearing which he won his last two  
championship races.


Sabbat Fever

A mild hysteria usually affecting groups (up to approx. 20). Rarely  
encountered in isolated individuals. Seasonal; more frequent between  
May and September than in winter months, highest incidence around Mid- 
summer's Eve.

High recurrence. Once affected a sufferer is more likely to repeat  
the activity than not.

The afflicted feel compelled to shed their garments and uttering  
shrill cries, prance round a bonfire in the nuddy. Of rapid onset,  
invariably striking around sunset or soon afterwards, climaxing  
towards midnight, after which the group tends to fragment, some  
gravitating towards patches of concealing undergrowth, others  
(invariably lone individuals) return to their homes to kick the cat.

Sequelae tend to be few and minor, except where the cat is concerned.

Treatment.
Best administered as the fever is progressing towards its height.
Numerous onlookers should gather outside the circle of dancers to  
point and loudly jeer at the jiggly bits. Enthusiasm amongst the  
celebrants abates almost immediately and the fever rapidly subsides.