Muggle-Baiting and Magizoology

[dungrollin]

Having not realised that this was an acceptable forum for such 
articles, Dungrollin has been silent on academicish topics. But now 
she (skating perilously close to the fanfic ravine) offers the 
following interpretation of handwritten marginalia discovered in a 
dog-eared copy of "Muggle-Baiting and Magizoology". This vanity-
published pamphlet (1882) is conveniently out of print, and the copy 
to which Dungrollin refers was discovered in Bugges & Offspring's 
closing down sale, thus both the source and the content of the 
following information is entirely unverifiable.


1. Cock-a-doodle-*@^$%!

The Cock-a-doodle-*@^$%! is superficially identical to a common or 
garden cockerel or rooster, the only difference being that the Cock-
a-doodle-*@^$%! is nocturnal. The sexes are very difficult to tell 
apart, and both produce a prodigious amount of noise per night, the 
frequency and volume of calls peaking at 3am.

Malicious Muggle-baiters sneak Cock-a-doodle-*@^$%! eggs into 
ordinary Muggle hen coops so that the resulting chicks are raised as 
Muggle chickens. Moreover, a new breed has appeared in the past 50 
years(1) which has an affinity for the windowsills of Muggle 
bedrooms. It is little wonder that many Muggles look forward to the 
bird-flu panic and subsequent culling reaching their area of the 
world.


2. The Lesser-Spotted Soiler

A small, brownish finch-like bird which congregates above any 
accumulation of Muggle objects which have recently been cleaned. 
Recently washed cars and recently washed clothes are particular 
favourites. The call of the Lesser-Spotted Soiler is difficult to 
write down phonetically, though the simplest rendering is something 
like a low pitched "ha-ha-ha" followed by a rising series of "guffaw-
guffaw-guffaw" terminating in a harsh and uncouth drawn-out cackle.

A famous Twentieth Century Muggle-baiter (F. N. Nihilipilificator – 
known to his friends as 'Flox', who won the prestigious Muggle-
Teaser of the Year Award 27 years on the trot) actually managed to 
train a flock of forty-two Lesser-Spotted Soilers to stalk a young 
and talented Tenor Saxophonist. The Saxophonist prided herself on 
her spotless apparel, and was eventually forced to stop playing 
outdoor concerts entirely. For this elegant demonstration of his 
formidable talents, Flox posthumously received the Lifetime 
Achievement Award for Being a Complete Bastard.


3. OIAEs

OIAEs (or Observer-Induced Apparating Entities) are believed to have 
been invented by mischievous Muggle-baiters as long ago as 300 BC. 
They can be defined as "any small, flying, biting irritant which 
*can* be caught and put out of action, but which *in general* on 
being attacked by a Muggle apparates to the other side of the room." 
It is important that the Muggles can occasionally succeed(2) in 
terminating an OIAE, otherwise they are tempted to give up trying, 
and the hilarity of the situation for wizard observers is lost. 

The irritant factor is upped by giving their flight a hum which is 
at precisely the right frequency to a) cause nightmares b) prevent 
sleep altogether by inducing the sensation of millions of insects 
landing on the skin c) cause the Muggle to turn on all lights in 
confusion, only to discover an empty and silent room; naturally the 
hum starts again just as the Muggle has switched off the lights and 
made him/herself comfortable in the dark once more. 

OIAEs are usually introduced to Muggle dwellings through a keyhole, 
though some species have been trained to wait outside netting-
covered doors and dart inside when the owner opens it, even just a 
fraction. Much comedy results from observing the hapless Muggles: 
they fix their eyes upon their target, hands held a foot apart and 
with head and body turning slowly(3) to follow the progress of the 
OIAE. Then at the last moment, certain that they're within reach of 
their prey the Muggles clap their hands together, by which time the 
little sod has vanished.


Notes
(1) Confidential sources suggest it was created by the notorious 
Muggle-baiter Julie "Make-Them-Suffer" Burchill(5).

(2) 
http://photos.groups.yahoo.com/group/the_old_crowd/vwp?.dir=/&.src=gr
&.dnm=Terminated+OIAE.jpg&.view=t&.done=http%
3a//photos.groups.yahoo.com/group/the_old_crowd/lst%3f%26.dir=/%
26.src=gr%26.view=t (4)

(3) OIAE-catching is believed to have influenced the development of 
certain slow-motion martial arts such as Tai Chi:
http://www.farnorthreap.org.nz/images_photos/Community%
20Education/Tai%20Chi.JPG

(4) No OIAEs were harmed in the making of this photo(6) which was 
staged with the help of some red ink and some generous 
photoshopping. 

(5) I made that up.

(6) Except the one depicted, which was then granted scientific 
immortality by having a pin stuck through it, a label attached, and 
a special place reserved in that big entomology collection in the 
sky.