Cauldrons and medical matters

[Barry Arrowsmith]

More scraps on matters magica medica, though it was thought best to  
withhold one section, a quite harrowing and sordid depiction of the  
moral and physical decline resulting from addiction to fume sniffing  
and culminating in addicts stumbling about wearing an upside-down  
cauldron with the rim resting on their shoulders - 'Pot-heads' is the  
usual dismissive term. Too depressing for words. No matter, what  
remains is moderately informative. Well, I think so.


'Cauldron-Related Illnesses.'

Grouped under this heading we will find a number conditions varying  
in severity from minor to extremely serious. Cauldrons per se are  
comparatively harmless - unless used as a blunt instrument - however,  
failure to use common sense and follow simple rules and precautions  
can have unpleasant consequences.


R.S.I. (Repetitive Stirring Injury).

Commonly referred to as Cauldron Elbow, though it may also occur in  
the wrist and less frequently in the shoulder

Characterised as moderate to severe pain in the affected joint, some  
swelling may be evident, occasionally accompanied by localised  
erythema. Caused by the repetitive and prolonged action of stirring  
the contents of a cauldron. Symptoms become more severe over time,  
eventually resulting in the need to buy 'convenience' potions i.e,  
ready to serve in the 'handy family-sized boil-in-the-flask' type  
rubbish instead of fresh wholesome home-brewed potables.

Many magical folk avoid the RSI problem entirely by conjuring another  
arm specifically for the more tiring chores of everyday life.  
However, this can create difficulties; when shopping for clothes the  
choice is limited, especially as some enthusiasts regularly relocate  
the arm as required - left, right, middle of the chest, between the  
shoulder blades (useful for surreptitiously scratching your bum) or  
even from the top of the head (cunning way to disguise a bald spot -  
claim you shave your armpits). And if the extra arm gets RSI it can  
be vanished and a fresh replacement magicked up.

For the more conventional, RSI is best treated when in the early  
stages. Sufferers should immediately switch to recipes with a higher  
liquid content, or to a smaller cauldron, or both. Easier stirring  
greatly reduces the risk of the condition progressing to a more  
severe form. Avoid potions with a high solids content, i.e. macerated  
toad, bat's brains or eyeballs in blackstrap preservative. On no  
account should sufferers attempt to stir 'Anna Glypta's Porrage Mix'  
- not only will this exacerbate the condition, but there's a distinct  
possibility that a hernia may be added to your list of troubles.

Treatment.
Restrict activities to raising a light froth on unicorn milk for at  
least two weeks. A localised poultice (Needlefong's Formulation with  
extra nettles and Vindaloo Forte base) may not effect a cure, but  
it'll certainly give the patient something to think about.

Modern magical technology is constantly striving to eliminate the  
drudgery from potion making. Spells such as 'Rotarum!' for example,   
where the spoon is held still while the pot spins. However, it takes  
practice and concentration to avoid spillages by keeping the cauldron  
centred and balanced. In some instances close concentration on a  
spinning object has resulted in an hypnotic state developing, with  
the stirrer feeling that they were being sucked into the vortex.
At least that's what the resulting Inquest usually assumes has happened.


Contamination

ALWAYS scrub out your cauldron after use.
Even quite small amounts of contaminants carried over from one  
session to another can have unexpected and deleterious effects.

This is not the place to list the innumerable combinations that have  
plagued the careless mixologist. Three instances will suffice to  
drive home the point:

Case 1. A Restorative Potion was contaminated with traces of coq-au- 
vin. The imbiber can be found perched on the garden fence, greeting  
every dawn by crowing enthusiastically, all be it in a slightly  
inebriated state - much to the irritation of his neighbours. The hens  
keep a wary  eye on him, too.

Case 2. A dog shampoo adulterated by broomstick adhesive. Result - a  
stuck-up bitch.

Case 3. An 85 year-old witch who could never decide what she wanted  
for dinner was given a Decisiveness Potion by her family.  
Unfortunately the cauldron had previously been used to concoct paint  
stripper. The witch decided to seek a new career and can now be found  
at the Whiplash establishment where, at special matinees for short- 
sighted dirty old wizards she divests herself of her clothes (Tues,  
Thurs, Sat. 3pm).

Remember -  a clean cauldron is a safe cauldron.


Contact Dermatitis

Occasioned by spatters or spillage. Always wear dragon-hide gauntlets  
when  brewing any unguent intended for external application.  
Particular care should be taken when concocting the following potions  
since their effects are especially difficult to reverse:
Talon Regrowth Fluid (both the dragon and the cockatrice formulations)
Rapunzel's 'Forty-foot Hair In 10 Seconds Or Your Money Back' Unguent
Striped paint
Chimera Start-up Creme
Any Duplicating Fluids (ten digits are quite enough, thank you)
Ma Singleton's Original Sponge Finger Mix

Do not dip a finger into a potion and lick it under any circumstances  
- or at least not until you are certain that a) you've actually made  
exactly what you intended, and b) that what you've made isn't  
supposed to be harmful. Testing poisons, Zombie juice, Ga-Ga drops or  
female dragon pheromones (have fun watching your worst enemy trying  
to fight off a sex-crazed dragon) on oneself is not clever. That's  
why House-Elves were invented.


Primary Inadvertent  Enchantment

Also known as Cauldron Croup. Presents in multiple forms, being the  
consequence of breathing the fumes generated while mixing heated  
potions. While fumes are much less potent than the potion from which  
they are derived, they may have a gradual and insidious effect when  
inhaled in high concentrations or over a period of time.  
Additionally, certain vapours are preferentially generated depending  
on the comparative volatility of the ingredients. Thus the effect may  
bear no relation to that of the final potion.

Quite often the sufferer is unaware that subtle changes in behaviour  
or form are occurring. Indeed, he may insist that no changes have  
happened, or may notice a change but totally misconstrue its cause -  
recently a patient could no longer reach his work table and suspected  
that his arms had shortened. In fact it wasn't that at all, as soon  
became evident when it was pointed out that as the recipe for the  
potion he'd been brewing required half a shovelful of Phalloides  
gigantica, his arms had nothing to do with it.

Prevention is better than cure - always ensure adequate ventilation.


Secondary Inadvertent Enchantment

Similar to the above, with the difference that the potion fumes fumes  
affect an innocent third party (Passive Vapouring).

Much theorised and speculated about, only one documented and  
verifiable instance is known. A wizard (Tobermory Tubb) developed a  
fluid, which when painted on an object caused it to return to its  
rightful place at the end of the working day. Thus all utensils,  
tools, clothes, books, etc. would automatically tidy themselves away.  
He started mass-production, trademarking the product under an easily  
remembered and descriptive label. The final stages of manufacture  
required the fluid to be heated then decanted into shallow trays for  
rapid cooling before bottling - and the cooling was carried out by  
employing giant humming-birds to create a rapid air-flow over the  
trays, this air-flow venting to outside the building.

Just yards from the vent, at the bottom of the garden of a Mr & Mrs  
Twistleton, was a sturdy hutch, home to their House-Elf Grunty.  
Gradually this poor creature absorbed more and more of the active  
ingredient in the fumes until one night the critical level was  
reached and he suddenly found himself speeding out through the  
bathroom window and back into his hutch. Unfortunately the window and  
the hutch door door were closed at the time and consequently the  
household had to hire a replacement until he recovered. The  
Twistletons sued Tubb and won substantial damages. As the press  
reports of the case stated: "Tubb Backo! is hazardous to your Elf."