RADIO T-BAY: Experimental Charms

[Barry Arrowsmith]

"Good afternoon!

"Today we have something different for you - instead of drowsing in  
the studio, gazing at the scorch marks - a reminder of that memorable  
evening when the Pyro4 Players re-enacted  their experimental mime  
production of "Knackledirk Agonistes", we're here in the Ministry  
getting the low-down on what's new in the world of magic.

"With me to explain the workings of The Dept. for Experimental Charms  
is Demeter Rule, who's in charge of Quality Assurance,  making sure  
that what reaches the witch or wizard in the street is safe and  
effective. So where are we going first?"

"The Spell-spielers, I think. Through this door here... high security  
of course... just have to swipe my wand...OK. This is it -  where new  
spells are produced.

"As you can see, we take safety very seriously - lined with Dragon- 
hide, Charm blankets to hand, an automatic Spell-suppression system  
that floods the room with Scientific Rationalism if the ambient Magic  
Index rises above 1.5 MegaMerlins. Nasty stuff, that SR; one drop on  
exposed skin'll turn you into an Actuary."

"That's...inhuman. So, Demmy, what exciting new spells and potions  
are likely to be Diagonal Alley soon?"

"Well, Kaynes, there's a stream of minor but very practical spells -  
such as "Carpe cerevisi!" -  very handy when the pub's crowded, or  
"Nil bono!" for getting rid of irritating whiners and we're trying to  
develop a spell that will open windows - but all we get are writs  
from Seattle for breach of copyright, whatever that means. The Search  
Spell is causing a few headaches too - it's intended for finding any  
information currently in written form. The researcher tried "Ex  
libris!" - took us three days to dig him out from under the contents  
of the British Library, then he tried "Ex libra!" and got a horoscope  
and we haven't been able to wake him up after "Ex librium!". But  
apart from that there're exciting developments in some very important  
and far-reaching research. Work that will affect all our lives."

"Really? Can you give me an example?"

"Languages. Imagine not having to learn a language, but being able to  
absorb one magically."

"Wow! That'd be fantastic! Does it work?"

"We're experiencing a few hitches with it at the moment, but it's not  
far off."

"Could we try it? Let's see.... I've always wanted to speak Mermish -  
can you spell me to do that?"

"Well.... it's still in meta-testing at the moment.... but.... OK....  
"Dic piscium!"

"Cod est demonstrandum!"

"Eh?"

"Carp diem!"

"Oh dear."

"O tempora! O morays!"

"Bugger."

"Squid pro quo!"

"George, tell the language boys they've cocked it up again, will  you?"

"Caviar emptor!"

"Finito!" Sorry about that. As I said, there's still just a few  
wrinkles to iron out. Are you feeling OK? Good. Now if you'll come  
this way.... just a small memory modification and then we'll see  
what's happening in the Potion Pit."


To be continued....