RADIO T-BAY - The Potions Pit

[Barry Arrowsmith]

"Ah. Kaynes here. Back with you again after that exciting ... er...  
sorry, I can't quite call it to mind. No matter, I'm here in the  
Ministry with Demeter Rule and we're off to see.... something else.  
What, exactly, Demmy?"

"This is where I usually work, Kaynes. It's the new Sorcerous Syrups  
and Magical Medicaments Evaluation Facility, otherwise known as the  
Potions Pit. Only opened last year, the old building ..er.. melted  
while one of our researchers was concocting a universal solvent. We'd  
like to have a word with him, but he seems to have disappeared."

"Oh. So what do you do here?"

"Quality assurance. In this day and age the witch and wizard in the  
street is very concerned about what they put into their bodies -  is  
it pure, are the dragons free-range, does it contain nuts, will your  
ears drop off, all that sort of thing. We protect the consumer."

"That's very re-assuring."

"Oh, yes. Every ingredient is checked in the Wizard's Thaumacopoeia  
and the Materia Magica for specificity and efficacy. Ingredients are  
listed, the best dosage is determined, possible adverse reactions  
noted and it all has to go on the label before we give it our rune of  
approval. In the bad old days producers used to get away with all  
sorts of rubbish. Some still try. Look at this - it's from some rip- 
off artists called 'Kneasy's Knostrums' -  supposedly an aphrodisiac  
potion. All it says on the bottle is "Directions: Add one drop to  
partner's pumpkin juice, put the cat out and brace yourself. Wear  
loose clothing. 5 star rating from Madam Whiplash!" What's the good  
of that?"

"Well.... it does tell you everything you need to know. Any spare  
bottles around?"

"No. There's a note on the evaluation scroll - the others've been  
taken for field trials - and some joker has added "To the woods! To  
the woods!" Disgusting. Now compare that to the new Ministry  
standard; look at this label for Daph Olbatt's Intellect Restorative  
for Senior Citizens Who've Lost It."

"Let's see. It says -
"Take 3 drachms before owls hoot.

Ingredients.
Each half-goblet contains approximately:
2 Moonbeams (organic, homogenised)
3ft Knotweed (unknotted)
2 drops Mysterious Oriental Poison Unknown to Alchemy
1 splash Essence of Quetzalcoatl feathers
Prune juice (as stabiliser)

Side effects.
May cause drowsiness and delusions of omnipotence.
Do not fly brooms or operate automatic spells.
Do not challenge You-Know-Who.
May cause nose to turn upside-down.
Should this occur:
Do not sneeze.
Seek professional help immediately.
On no account should sufferers attempt to reverse nose themselves.  
Any attempt will invariably result in the production of copious  
bright blue armpit hair - about 5 ft long.
Non-fattening - less than 3 inches on waistline per hogshead.
Product of more than one wizard."

"Um. I'd rather lose my marbles, I think.  Tell me, Demmy - does the  
Ministry itself make any potions?"

"Not really, though our Research Kitchen does investigate the  
properties of possible ingredients. Do you want to see? It's this  
way. One of our wizards seemed to think there was something  
interesting about a batch of mushrooms that  came in yesterday. Said  
they were definitely magic. Here we are...... oh. Why is he wearing  
beads, floating near the ceiling and giggling?"

"Ah. This is Kaynes saying bye for now and returning you to the  
studio for Magical Music from Abba Cadabra.

"Now then Demmy, fancy popping out for a gillywater? Back at my  
place? On the way out, if I can just nip into the other lab, I think  
I left a bottle of something behind....."