FILK: Azkaban

[Caius Marcius]

Not an Xmas filk this time......

Azkaban 

To the tune of Ray Stevens' Guitarzan

A You-Tube recording here (Stevens' recording with boring visuals):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvGxXQU6bw4 

or (a concert performance)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErnDPzUG6Y4

THE SCENE: A courtyard within Azkaban.  Just as the late Johnny Cash 
used to perform at Folsom Prison, so too would magic vocalist STUBBY 
BOARDMAN interrupt his retirement to sing at occasional benefit 
concerts at Azkaban Prison.  This particular concert took place 
during Harry's second year, while HAGRID was briefly incarcerated.

NOTE: Dementors find Boardman's music to be totally "retro", and so 
they did not attend his performance, thus missing out on all the 
valuable information contained in his song.

STUBBY BOARDMAN:
He's serving lifetime
For doing a crime
His cell is a kennel when he's a canine
Animagic design 
Even though he's confined, he'll decline to whine.
They say he's Voldy's heir - "Yeah, right," hear him swear.
He's a hound who'll prepare to depart with a flair, 
Simply vanish in air.
"Kinfolk said, `Black, move away from there!'"
He found a *Prophet* crossword to pursue
Then chanced to view an old pal, Pettigrew
And knew the double-crossin' rat debuted with the crew of that You-
Know-Who,
Who all got Black subdued & framed for murder, too!
Get him, get him, get him, get him! Owww!

Azkaban, he's in Azkaban
A place he can't stand 
But he's a plan, Azkaban

PADFOOT (howling):
Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! , etc.

STUBBY:
They got a girl named Bell
She's mean as hell
With a Crucio spell
And thinks Voldy's pretty swell
She would love to rebel
But she's stuck in her cell
When she casts her curse
She really does her worst
So the fellers tell
Come on, cast one, Bell! 

BELLATRIX:
Voldy, Voldy, oh Voldy, ska-vaa-vooo-volley-vay,
Voldy, wow Voldy, etc.

STUBBY:
How about that, let's hear it for Bell!

(At STUBBY'S cue, HAGRID steps forward – he is looking highly 
disoriented, and, under the stress of Azkaban's dementors, has 
reverted to a rather Grawp-like condition
..)

They've got a groundkeeper who likes
Creepy creatures, he's a kind o' weeper
As he's getting in deeper
Come on, your turn, guy!
Sing one, `keeper!

HAGRID (Grawp-like):
Ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha, etc.

STUBBY:
Let's hear it for the `keeper!

Ev'ry day it's torment they get from dementors
Bell gets bent and the `keeper laments
The dog's not content
He will never relent
Till he's found the scent
Of that Pete rodent, let's hear him vent!

Let's hear `em right now!

(PADFOOT, BELLATRIX & HAGRID all sing simultaneously)

PADFOOT (howling):
Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! , etc.
BELLATRIX:
Voldy, Voldy, oh Voldy, ska-vaa-vooo-volley
Voldy, oh Voldy, etc.
HAGRID (Grawp-like):
Ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha, etc.

BELLATRIX (spoken):
Shut up, you damn mutt, I'm trying to curse!

STUBBY:
Get him, get him, get him, get him! Owww!
Azkaban, it'll mangle, man!
A place he can't stand 
But he's a plan, Azkaban!........

   -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm