Radio TBAY - A new Prophesy?

[Barry Arrowsmith]

"Evenin' all. Kaynes here, bringing you all that's new in the WW.

"Something a bit different for you to ponder over today with reports  
that someone has been wandering round fore-telling the future. All  
very interesting, as I hope you'll agree. And here to help us make  
some sense of it is Fingus Crost, author of "Dissecting the Future:  
Haruspicy for Fun and Profit" and "Getting it Wrong: Why Nostradamus  
should have stuck to Tea-Leaves".

"So, Fingy, what can you tell us?"

"Hello Kaynes, hello listeners.
Must say it's all fascinating stuff. What seems to have happened is  
that a Muggle by the name of Jay Crolling appeared on some picture  
programme or other and started making predictions about future events  
in the Wizarding World."

"Are we sure he -"

"She."

"Right. Are we sure she is a Muggle?"

"Must be. Wore those silly clothes and talked a lot about that money  
stuff. No witch would do that."

"So this Muggle knows about us?
Hum. How long before the Obliviators pay her a visit, d'you think?"

"Normally they'd have zipped round pretty damn quick, but this is  
such an interesting case that they've been held off - for the time  
being, at any rate."

"Can Muggles be seers?"

"Dunno. It's possible, I suppose, but generally it turns out that  
they're only pretending. And quite often they cheat."

"Cheat? How?"

"Oh, their predictions are couched in vague and probably deliberately  
ambiguous phraseology. Could mean anything. And that's what we see  
here. Supposedly it's all about the Potter kid and Whatsisname -  
forecasting it'll all end in tears before bedtime, death and  
destruction, usual stuff - as if you need to be a seer to figure that  
out. Gringott's Gambles hasn't been accepting bets on that one for  
years."

"Sounds as if it's nothing special, then. So why is it all so  
interesting?"

"Ah. Well. It's the Psycho-Ceramics Specialists at St Mungo's. They  
want a chance to study her. There's a hell of an argument going on  
within the department. See, what's really striking about all this is  
that she claims to have invented the WW and all the people in it."

"She must be barmy."

"That's one possibility, yes. Quite a few of the Healers would go  
along with that - delusional - "I think, therefore it is," sort of  
thing. Though a couple of trouble-making sages stirred the pot by  
positing that the entire WW and its history may well be just the  
transient imaginings of an unbelievably powerful intellect. Soon  
sorted them out. Aurors hit 'em with Arbocrania! spells. Now all  
they've got to worry about is woodpeckers and Death Watch beetles.  
Serve 'em right. Nobody likes a smart-arse."

"There're other possibilities, then?"

"The intriguing bit is her track record. She's been publishing these  
books and they describe exactly what happens *as* it happens. Nobody  
can figure out how she does it."

"Somebody must be passing her information."

"Could be, though it'd have to be a lot more than one person doing it  
to get enough gen to fill six books.

"But the worrying thing, Kaynes, the really crunch bit, is that she  
claims that it's herself that decides who lives and who doesn't - who  
she's going to "kill off", as she puts it. And that the WW will enter  
a sort of limbo at the conclusion of the next, she calls it "the  
last", book. Doesn't she realise that we've got laws about that sort  
of thing? Can't have any old Muggle wandering round knocking off  
respectable witches and wizards, now can we? T'ain't allowed. *And*  
I've got my holidays booked for next year - paid the deposit and  
everything. Kids'd be dreadfully disappointed if we spent 'em in some  
sort of suspended animation instead."

"So what are you doing about it?"

"Intensive investigations, for a start. Get the facts before jumping  
to conclusions."

"And the possibilities?"

"We've come up with five so far:
She's nuts, in which case it's the rubber room and the natty weskit  
that ties neatly up the back;
or,
She's infiltrated and thoroughly compromised the privacy of every  
person and every square inch of the magical world with an army of  
eavesdroppers, spies and informants. That's what's happening in the  
Muggle world, by the way, but we won't stand for it going on here;
or,
She's some sort of super-psychic, mind-reading nosy-parker, in which  
case the Obliviators go on overtime;
or,
She really is a seer of such magnitude that they'll have to build an  
entire new wing in the DoM to house all the globes;
or...."

"You don't think.....!"

"Wouldn't be me thinking it, old boy; it'd be her.
Still, it'd explain why young Potter acts like a plonker so much of  
the time, wouldn't  it?"

"And on that disturbing note, this is Kaynes, signing off for this  
week."

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