Arrgh - Why are weddings so stressfull ? (long)

[catherine at cator-manor.demon.co.uk]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at y..., "Michelle Apostolides" 
<michelleapostolides at l...> wrote:
> OK, here is my situation.
> I haven't spoken to my man friend in all of this but I feel pretty 
cross
> with him for upsetting two people I love so much.  Has anyone out 
there
> been in a similar position before ?
> 
> I suppose that I should add that I'm a bit more involved because I'm
> going to be my friend's only adult bridesmaid on the day.
> 
> Michelle

Yes, yes and yes.  Mine and Mickey's wedding was an absolute 
nightmare - and most of it was family related.  The situation was 
this.  Mickey's sister took a dislike to me about 2 years before we 
got married (age related).  She hasn't spoken to me in all this time, 
takes pleasure in snubbing me at parties, badmouthing me to all and 
sundry and has even tried to turn certain family members against me 
(in particular Mickey's mother and son, who also stopped talking to 
me for a while).

When the time came for Mickey and I to get married, I knew that I 
couldn't have her there.  She would have been unable to disguise her 
feelings, and as it was a very small wedding, she would have made her 
presence felt.  The problem was, that although Mickey didn't want her 
there either, he knew that if he invited his brother and half 
brother, she would be extremely offended and probably never talk to 
him again, and he didn't want to completely burn his bridges - hoping 
for an apology and reconciliation one day.  We explained the 
situation to his brother and half-brother, who obviously knew what 
was going on anyway, and they were fine about it, but his brother in 
particular and his wife were quite upset, because they wanted to be 
there, and I felt that they should be, because they were the only 
members of Mickey's family (apart from his daughter) who had always 
been 100% behind us.  I know this sounds dramatic, but when there is 
a 25year age gap people can react in strange ways.  

Finally, Mickey decided that he did want his brother there.  Then his 
son turned round and said that he would not be coming if his uncle 
was there - they haven't spoken to oneanother for 8 years, due to a 
stupid misunderstanding.  They can be in the same room at parties and 
funerals, but not, it seemed, at our wedding.  So Mickey was forced 
to choose between having his son there or his brother.  He chose his 
son.  This was a very difficult decision as well - particularly as 
his son has spelt out to me at one point that he felt that my 
relationship with Mickey was abnormal, and had said to other family 
members that I couldn't possibly want to be with someone Mickey's age 
without having some kind of ulterior motive (the obvious one being 
money).   But Mickey felt that his son would feel snubbed if he 
wasn't there, and as he had started talking to me again, he thought 
it best to give him no opportunity to take offence again and revert 
back to the way he had been.

The final complication came with my (gay) best friend and his 
partner.  Certain other members of Mickey's family are very 
homophobic and spelt out that they wouldn't be in the same room as - 
well, I won't say what they called them.  So, I was forced to say 
that I couldn't have that kind of situation going on - so the friends 
came, the family didn't.  

All very petty as you can see - we were forced into making such 
decisions because family members were being so uncooperative and 
selfish - it felt at one stage that people were deliberately trying 
to cause problems.  They weren't prepared to consider that it was our 
day and put all their differences aside.

When I think about it now (it was only last December) I feel sorry 
for Mickey - because of the family politics he couldn't have the 
people at his wedding who he wanted to.  The build up was so 
stressful and entailed so many weeks of discussion and phonecalls 
that in part, it overshadowed the day.

All this was going somewhere, and I've lost myself in the rant, and 
forgotten what I was going to say.  Yes, things are always stressful 
at weddings - and many relationships come into sharper focus for some 
reason.  If I were you, Michelle, I would find out from your male 
friend what his problem is, and play it by ear.  Your female friend 
probably would regret not having him there - but at the moment 
probably thinks that if he has a bad attitude now, he may do on the 
day - and I speak from experience when I say that there is nothing 
worse than having people at your wedding who are grudging about being 
there, and who don't particularly want it to happen in the first 
place.  It also depends on the size - if it is a small one, it is 
difficult to get away from seeing how people feel - not such a 
problem in a large wedding, as people can get lost in the crowd.  I'd 
do some digging, if I were you.

Catherine