Filk: "Orlando": (LOTR, slashy, R-rated)

[John Walton]

WARNING FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED: This is somewhat crude and lewd and smutty.
If that is going to Warp Your Mind and Turn You To Satan, you might want to
go burn a couple more Harry Potter books and stop reading now.



Still here? ::wink:: Excellent. Enjoy.



"Orlando" (to the tune of ABBA's "Fernando")
 
Enter VIGGO MORTENSEN and ORLANDO BLOOM, LEFT, indulging in heavy petting.
To RIGHT are IAN MCKELLEN and ELIJAH WOOD, discussing GANDALF's staff.
VIGGO (sings):

Can you hear the drums Orlando?
Coming from the deepest darkest demon pit in Moria.
In the Balrog's light Orlando
You were shooting a few Goblins
With your manly Elvish bow.
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of Goblin hordes were coming from afar

They were closer now, Orlando
Every hour every minute seemed to last eternally
You are such a stud, Orlando.
You are young and full of...life
You're such a hunky Elvish guy
And when I saw your bow
Its length and springiness, it almost made me cry

There were arrows in the air that night
My luck looked bright, Orlando
Mucho shagging between you and me
Homosexually, Orlando.
There's another arrow you should loose
(I'm getting wet).
If you shagged the Fellowship again,
You should, my friend, Orlando
Damn, you'll have to shag them all again,
Those hot young men, Orlando

ORLANDO (sings):

Yes, you're right, my name's Orlando
And I want to see my Elvish bow a-quivering in your hand
Oh, my darling, darling Viggo,
Do you still recall the glorious night
We spent in Lothlorien
I can see how very much
You want to hold my bow and twang my strings again

There was shagging under trees that night
You called outright, "Orlando!"
I was shagging you, then you shagged me
I used my Elvish man-bow
Though we never thought Elijah could
He then joined in,
Notwithstanding hairy Hobbit frog,
And Gondor knob, and Elf bow.

ORLANDO goes down on ELIJAH while VIGGO goes down on IAN, who sings:

There was shagging between you and him,
Then I joined in, Orlando,
With my big long manly wizard staff
You didn't laugh, Orlando.
I was so surprised you fit it in
(it isn't thin!)
I shall have to shag you all again,
Excepting Hobbit Frodo...

And since you want to shag us all again
You can, my friend, Orlando
Then we want to shag you yet again
So bend, my friend, Orlando...

FADE TO BLACK AS THE ACTION GETS HOTTER THAN A BALROG


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John Walton -- john at walton.vu

Percy smiled back, reminding himself not to let his face show exactly how
gorgeous he found Oliver.  *Aloof, unavailable, Head Boy. Aloof, unavailable
Head Boy. With girlfriend.*

>From Keeper's Secrets, Chapter 2, by Wood's Keeper
http://www.astronomytower.org/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=301
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