God's TQM Questionnaire

[pengolodh_sc at yahoo.no]

This was passed along to me some time ago.  

  GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
   ___  Newspaper
   ___  Bible
   ___  Torah
   ___  Book of Mormon
   ___  Koran
   ___  Divine inspiration
   ___  Dead Sea scrolls
   ___  My mama don tol' me
   ___  Near-death experience
   ___  Near-life experience
   ___  National Public Radio
   ___  Tabloid
   ___  Burning shrubbery
   ___  Other (specify): __________________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
   ___  Yahweh
   ___  Allah
   ___  Krishna
   ___  Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
   ___  Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
   ___  Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
   ___  Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
   ___  None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   ___  Yes
   ___  No

If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
  Please indicate all that apply:
   ___  Not eternal
   ___  Not omniscient
   ___  Not omnipotent
   ___  Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
   ___  Permits sex outside of marriage
   ___  Prohibits sex outside of marriage
   ___  Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
   ___  When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
   ___  Requires burnt offerings
   ___  Requires virgin sacrifices
   ___  Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
   Please check all that apply.
   ___  Indoctrinated by parents
   ___  Indoctrinated by society
   ___  Needed a reason to live
   ___  Needed focus on whom to despise
   ___  Needed a day away from work
   ___  Needed to feel morally superior
   ___  Graduated from the tooth fairy
   ___  Wanted to meet girls/boys
   ___  Fear of death
   ___  Wanted to piss off parents
   ___  Like organ music
   ___  My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false god
were you fooled? Please check all that apply.
   ___  Mick Jagger
   ___  Bill Gates
   ___  Baal
   ___  Beelzebub
   ___  Ra
   ___  The Great Spirit
   ___  The Great Pumpkin
   ___  The almighty dollar
   ___  Left-wing liberalism
   ___  Right-wing radicalism
   ___  Elvis
   ___  Cindy Crawford
   ___  Chocolate
   ___  Burning shrubbery
   ___  Other: _______________________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
   ___  Tarot
   ___  Astrology
   ___  Palmistry
   ___  Tea leaves
   ___  Dianetics
   ___  Fortune cookies
   ___  Psychic Friends Network
   ___  Self-help books
   ___  Sex, drugs, rock and roll
   ___  Biorhythms
   ___  Alcohol
   ___  Bill Clinton
   ___  Jimmy Swaggert
   ___  CompuServe
   ___  Burning shrubbery
   ___  Other: ________________________________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
  prefer?
   (circle one)
a.  More divine intervention
b.  Less divine intervention
c.  Current level of divine intervention is just right
d.  Don't know -- What's divine intervention?
8.  God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
  miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the
  following
   (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
      Disaster:
        1   2   3   4   5   flood
        1   2   3   4   5   famine
        1   2   3   4   5   earthquake
        1   2   3   4   5   war
        1   2   3   4   5   pestilence
        1   2   3   4   5   plague
        1   2   3   4   5   AOL
        1   2   3   4   5   Republican Congress
        1   2   3   4   5   Jerry Lewis
     Miracles:
        1   2   3   4   5   rescues
        1   2   3   4   5   spontaneous remissions
        1   2   3   4   5   crying statues
        1   2   3   4   5   water changing to wine
        1   2   3   4   5   walking on water
        1   2   3   4   5   VCRs that set their own clocks

9.  Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory,
5   excellent):

      God's Courtesy                       1   2   3   4   5
Are your spiritual needs being met?        1   2   3   4   5

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if 
ecessary.)

-----------
Best regards
Christian Stubø