The Ships that almost died of shame....

[pengolodh_sc at yahoo.no]

The Ships that almost died of shame....

I NAME THIS SHIP........ Research, even into the most mundane 
subject, can sometimes bring unexpected rewards. Recently, for 
reasons too dull to explain, I was attempting to discover the names 
of battleships which served with the Royal Navy during the Second 
World War. The reference librarian hopefully provided me with a huge 
volume which listed the names of every British warship ever built, 
and as I leafed through the index, I was impressed by the quality of 
the names that the British have given their warships. 

HMS Relentless, HMS Repulse, HMS Resolution; fine names, names to 
gladden the heart of every true Brit and dismay any foreigners with a 
grasp of English. Names redolent of courage and firm-jawed 
determination - HMS Sceptre, HMS Scimitar, HMS Seadog, HMS Spanker - 

HMS Spanker ? it had to be a misprint, but when I looked at the 
relative page there it was, HMS Spanker, minesweeper. I turned back 
to the index and soon discovered that HMS Spanker was not the only 
warship to bear a silly name. A quick check unearthed the destroyers 
HMS Fairy and HMS Frolic, the light cruiser, HMS Sappho and the 
corvette, HMS Pansy. 

My first assumption was that these names had been chosen by some 
fresh faced innocent unaware of their connotations, but a careful 
reading of the index suggested that the choice of such names was 
deliberate and malicious. I have no proof for my theory, but I 
strongly suspect that they were the creations of an embittered clerk. 

He was a minor bureaucrat who had once dreamed of becoming a naval 
hero, a second Nelson or Benbow, but had been turned down for active 
service on the grounds of flat feet and myopia. The Sea Lords, kindly 
and foolishly, gave him an office job in the Admiralty. There, as he 
brooded upon the shattering of his ambitions, his envy of the jolly 
Jack Tars serving in His Majesty's ships turned to hatred and then 
into a desire to humiliate those who lived a life on the ocean wave. 
His big break came when he got a job in the Ship's Names Department 
and he set to work with a will. 

Having started with HMS Pansy, HMS Fairy and HMS Spanker, he moved 
into sexually suggestive names - HMS Teaser, HMS Tickler, HMS Torrid, 
HMS Thruster and HMS Thrasher. Not content with the damage to morale 
that these names must have caused to morale that these names must 
have caused he followed up with HMS Inconstant, HMS Insolent, HMS 
Truant, HMS Dwarf and HMS Doris. 

The man must have been twisted, but he was no mean amateur 
psychologist. Would an hard pressed admiral be cheered by the news 
that HMS Doris and HMS Dwarf (a cruiser and gunboat combination that 
sounds like an avant-garde cabaret act) were steaming to his aid ? 
Could he be certain that HMS Truant would turn up ? That HMS 
Inconstant wouldn't change sides, or that HMS Insolent wouldn't reply 
to his signals with a stream of abuse ? 

This evil minded functionary worked hard to destroy fighting spirit, 
carefully calculating the result of call a ship HMS Hazard. The 
cry, "Hazard to port !" must have disrupted countless naval exercises 
and I strongly suspect that he tried to name a destroyer HMS Mutiny, 
thinking of the chaos that would result from the signal "Mutiny in 
Portsmouth". Someone spotted this and changed his proposed name from 
the English Mutiny to the French Mutinè, hoping that the ship would 
stir up trouble on courtesy visits to French ports. 

If my theory is correct, that someone was Clerk No.2 he worked in the 
same office as Clerk No.1, but his history and beliefs were very 
different. He had been invalided out of the Navy after a 
distinguished career and was a ferocious xenophobe who believed that 
the British had the right to intimidate and bully anyone who stood in 
their way. his existence is demonstrated by further study of the list 
of names. 

Most people would consider names like HMS Conqueror, HMS Terror and 
HMS Vengeance adequate for the purpose of frightening Britain's 
enemies. Not Clerk No.2 he though them namby-pamby and decided to 
rectify the situation. He wasn't as prolific as Clerk No.1, but he 
did his best christening such vessels as HMS Arrogant, HMS 
Imperialist, HMS Savage, HMS Spiteful, HMS Surly and HMS Tyrant. His 
finest hour came when he got the job of thinking up names beginning 
with V, he came up with HMS Vandal, HMS Venomous, HMS Vindictive and 
HMS Violent. He too was a good psychologist - nobody who had dared to 
challenge Britain could fail to be moved by the news that HMS 
Spiteful, HMS Violent and HMS Vindictive were turning up to sort them 
out. 

In later years, as he sat writing letters to the Eastbourne Gazette 
demanding the introduction of public flogging for litter louts, he 
must have regretted not calling a ship HMS Vicious. However, he 
probably consoled himself with the thought that Clerk No.1 didn't get 
much of a look in on the V's. He would have christened the ships 
Vacuous, Vile, Verminous and Venereal. As it was he only managed HMS 
Vanity, which was presumably a sister ship of HMS Narcissus. Though 
Clerk No.2 no doubt deplored the behaviour of his colleague, he, too, 
allowed the problems of day-to-day existence to intrude into his 
work, though only after rows with his wife, hence HMS Termagant, HMS 
Virago and HMS Tirade. 

I don't know for how many years they worked in the same office, but 
it must have been a fraught relationship. Each probably spent most of 
his time trying to trump the names of the other. Clerk No.1 
christened HMS Pansy, No.2 responded with HMS Manly. No.1 - HMS 
Fairy, No.2 - HMS Virle. And so it went on until they retired and the 
ships they had named were either sunk or scrapped. 

Now our ships have boringly correct names, which is a pity, for names 
could make a difference. A truly chauvinistic government would do 
well to study the names dreamed up by Clerk No.2. If we can no longer 
terrify opponents with the size of our navy, we could try to frighten 
them with aggressive nomenclature. A good start would be to retrieve 
the name HMS Violent and call sister ships HMS Psychopathic, HMS 
Blood Crazed and HMS Criminally Insane. The Vandal class could 
include HMS Ram Raider, HMS Headcase and HMS Terminator. 

Of course, a more progressive government might go for names which 
reflected the concerns of the Left - HMS Black Sections, HMS Stop 
Clause 28, HMS Unilateralist and HMS Binding Decision of the Party 
Conference. Perhaps not, the Daily Mail would have a field day if HMS 
Unilateralist was ever sunk. 

In any event, the name of the ship doesn't appear to have affected 
its ability to fight, HMS Truant sank the Karlsruhe, HMS Wallflower 
and HMS Inconstant accounted for several U-boats and I've do doubt 
that other ships with ridiculous names had excellent war records. 

But it is hard not to imagine the crew of HMS Narcissus leaning over 
the side to admire their reflections in the water, or the crew of HMS 
Spanker being accosted by leather-clad masochists in dockside bars. 

The crews of such ships must have been relieved when security 
considerations temporarily ended the practice of having the ship's 
name emblazoned on the cap-band. Even so, the change didn't come 
quickly enough for the unfortunate University Naval Reserve Unit 
which, when the orders for mobilisation came, was sent en masse to 
join a battleship. As they walked up the gangway the regulars on deck 
burst into hysterical laughter. The full name of the unit was the 
Cambridge University Naval Training Squadron, which was, of course 
indicated by the initials on their caps.......... 

Then again, it might be apocryphal. 


Taken from a magazine article by James Richards

--------------------
Add to the above that the Royal navy had a clas of gunboats of which 
one was named HMS Gay Viking...

I do not necessarily agree with every opinion of the author of this 
article.