guys being asked to help

[lupinesque]

David wrote:

> I think dropping us in at the deep end and letting us mess up can 
be 
> quite useful too.  Years of being at home with the kids while I was 
> out at work left Ruth a far more efficient home worker and child 
> minder than me.
> 
> When I have to do something it's painful for her to watch me trying 
> to find the things she has put away, get out the stuff organised to 
a 
> fine pitch in my absence etc.  So she has trouble not just taking 
> over because it's easier in the short term.

Which suggests another good approach:  do initial tasks like 
organizing what goes where *together* so that (a) person B doesn't 
have to be forever asking person A where things go, tempting person A 
to conclude that it's easier to do it him/herself, and (b) person B 
gets some say in how things are organized.  Everyone has his/her own 
ideas of how to organize a kitchen, and some compromise at the start 
will prevent person B from chafing every single time about the fact 
that the plates are stacked over the cups when Mom stacked the cups 
over the plates and everyone knows the right way to do things is the 
way Mom of Person B did them.

Those who want help also have to be a bit flexible about what 
constitutes a good job.  Otherwise it's hard to blame person B for 
throwing up his/her hands and going to watch football.  (Don't get me 
wrong, though, Sheryll--the dishes aren't done until there are no 
dirty dishes in the house.  Truly virtuous partners will wipe the 
stovetop while they're at it.  <g>)  One of my favorite Doonesburys 
of all time, from flawed memory:

(Rick pokes his head in to where his wife, Joanie, is giving their 
child a bath.)
Rick:  Can I help?
Joanie:  "Help" implies that this isn't really your job.  That taking 
care of our child is my job and you're just lending a helping hand.  
That we aren't equal partners.  Go out, come back in and try it again.
Rick (having done so):  Can I co-parent?
Joanie:  No.  You always get the floor wet.

Amy
very pleased at having an official endorsement to drop an 
uncooperative spouse in the deep end--you never know when it might 
come in useful