Gifted Children, stage parents, and leftover siblings

[moongirlk]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at y..., "Mary Jennings" <macloudt at h...> wrote:
> I hated having pressure put on me as a child, 
> especially as my youngest brother, who is four years older than me, 
was a 
> brilliant student and I was expected to follow in his footsteps.  
> I-don't-think-so!  I had far too many other things I wanted to do 
to 
> concentrate solely on my schoolwork.  And I had the marks to prove 
it ;)
> 
> It is my catty opinion that "stage parents" (those who live through 
the 
> accomplishments of their children) have no identity of their own, 
and 
> therefore no self-worth.  Pressuring children to perform for the 
benefit of 
> the parent in *any* situation is utterly repulsive IMHO.  These 
parents 
> should literally get a life of their own.
> 
> I'm curious about the *siblings* of gifted children.  How are they 
treated?  
> How do they cope?  Does your work cover this topic, Shaun?  I'd be 
very 
> interested to hear any opinions or personal experiences.  

My sister and I might be an interesting example.  She was gifted in a 
lot of ways, if not academically.  She was beautiful, talented, a 
wonderful singer, athletic, a dancer, and never afraid to try for 
what she wanted.  She was very well-liked.  I knew by the time I was 
7 or 8 that even our grandparents liked her best.  She's 5 years 
older than me, so it's hard to make direct comparisons at various 
stages, but let's just say that I was less than beautiful, insecure 
and rediculously eager to please  as well as completely 
uncoordinated.  I had friends, but social situations were never easy 
for me, I always felt awkward.  Needless to say, I thought she was 
the height of cool, and was desperate to be like her.

Growing up, I sometimes felt like the spare kid, dragged along to her 
various activities and performances and competitions, playing with 
her medals and trophies, looking through the millions of pictures my 
parents always took, etc.  I tagged along, entralled especially with 
her music and theater activites, learning every line and lyric while 
I watched, assuming that one day I'd do the same stuff, because 
clearly that was Important.  

Turns out, I can carry a tune, but am no great singer, can't dance to 
save my life, etc.  I did get cast in a school play once - had a few 
lines even.  My parents came, but by then it was old hat to them.  
Nobody took pictures.  I admit at the time I thought it was because I 
wasn't as important or as good as my sister, but it probably ended up 
being a good thing for me.  I stopped trying out for plays after that 
and found I had much more in common with the crew people than with 
the actors, and was far more comfortable behind the scenes.  

The funny thing is, for all I thought that my sister was the golden 
child and I was the spare, she was jealous of me for being "the smart 
one".  To me, that was all I had, since she got all the *good* 
genes ;), but she always felt inadequate academically and envied how 
it came so easily for me.  Also, because I was so all-fired eager to 
please all the time and too honest for my own good, our parents 
pretty much trusted me, whereas she had more of a struggle to get to 
do what she wanted.  I thought our parents idolized her, and she 
thought they were closer to me.  Maybe we were both right, maybe 
not.  Our parents, I'm sure, thought that they were just dealing with 
our particular strengths as individuals and trying to encourage us in 
what they saw as our areas, but we both thought that the other had 
the better deal.  

So from my personal experience, I'd say that whenever there are 
siblings, there's bound to be a feeling of inequality on all sides.  
It's impossible, not to mention inadvisable, to treat each child in 
exactly the same way.  I was the academically "gifted" one, and *I* 
felt like the leftover sibling.  My sister was the one who got the 
sort of attention I think you mean, and yet *she* felt like our 
parents didn't know her.  So while I think it's true that gifted 
children, and especially the PGs that Shaun is such a wonderful 
advocate of, have needs that should be addressed, I think mostly it's 
just tough to be a kid sometimes, no matter who you are.  

kimberly
feeling quite lucky about her childhood all in all