Fw: Texas Facts

[Amanda]

These were fun. I have inserted commentary.

--Amanda

----- Original Message -----
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Texas Facts


> Facts you know in Texas:
>
 > Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

This is actually untrue. The reproductive cycle of the armadillo requires
that it mate with a tire. If the mating is successful, soon afterwards tire
will blow and the baby armadillos will skitter off into the grass. This
explains all the large pieces of tire you see along Texas highways. All the
squooshed armadillos are unsuccessful lovers.

> Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"

> There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

True. And they live under your house, unless you have a concrete foundation
(we don't "do" cellars in Texas, I'd never seen a basement until I was 28,
when Jan and I went to visit his Ohio relatives). And they come into your
garage on hot days.

> There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple
no one's seen before.

True. Most of the 10,000 also live in my house, except the black widows,
which to be honest have never come inside. They're on the outside and in the
mailbox, but not in the house.

> Possums will eat anything.

Even in suburbia. And they have a nasty bite. And they are luckily totally
incapable of carrying rabies.

> Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Hell, armadillos love to dig holes everywhere. They dig as fast as cartoon
dogs.

> Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.

During the summer, they will also uproot all your outdoor potted plants
because the soil smells wet. If you have any outdoor plants left after the
stupid deer eat them because your plants are green and everything else is
brown.

> If it grows, it sticks you.  If it crawls, it bites you.

Yes. There are 5,637 species of stinging insects, and most of them nest on
or around my house, in amongst the stickers. We wage a constant war against
the stickers and the bull nettles.

> Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

("tree" is a courtesy term, here). True. Not cutting it down, not burning it
out, not plant killer, nothing. They're permanent.

> There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their
house.

Can't help you with this one, I've never heard of concertina wire.

> You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

I can't work this one out. If anyone figures out what the hell this is
saying, do enlighten us.

> A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

And royally. I have hiked miles to knock on total strangers' doors to
request that my husband and I be pulled from the mud.

> The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct 2 until June 25, then it stops totally
until Oct 2.

This person is obviously from west Texas, a huge place we non-affectionately
refer to as "God's ping-pong table."

> Onced and Twiced are words.

Yup.

> All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.

Let's see. Poteet Strawberry Festival. Noonday Sweet Onion Festival.
Floresville Peanut Festival. Hah! Wait! The Czilispiel is none of the above!
Hah! But mostly, this is true.

> Coldbeer is one word.

Where is it not?

> People actually grow and eat okra.

Not me. Ugh. Okra is a creation of Satan.

> When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.

I think the fire ants will be there, too.

> There IS a polite way to spit.

> Green grass DOES burn.

Yes. But it's only green for a week or two in the pre-summer, anyway.

> When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people
drop them off  at your gate in the middle of the night.

Yes. And cats.

> The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first
couple of weeks.

Only city people think it sounds good at all.

> When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the
doctor.

For those of you of the European persuasion, a bit of clarification: in
Texas (and probably the whole southwest), a buzzard is not a species of hawk
but is a term for vulture. Usually the turkey vulture, although we have
black vultures too. I did not learn that buzzards in Europe were hawks (or
are they falcons? the mind is going) until my early twenties.

> A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation...and
seconds as  a swimming pool

> Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.

> Backards and forards means I know everything about a subject.

As in, I know Snape backards and forards.

> 'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

> You know you're from Texas if:
> 1. You measure distance in minutes.

This is true. It's an hour and a half from here to Austin, 30 minutes to
downtown, four hours to Houston, etc. I can call up the actual mileage if I
think about it, but we think of it in terms of time.

> 2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

There are whole months we have to do this, on both ends of summer.

> 3. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is; you work until til you're done or it's too dark to see.

> 4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it.

Or with loads of kids in it.

> 5. You use 'fixinto' as one word.

Fixinto *is* one word.

> 6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

> 7. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

Um, who else's car would you carry them for?

> 8. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.

*are*

> 9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and chili.

> 10. You know everyone on TV has an accent.

Actually, San Antonians don't have much of an accent. Only north and west
Texans have much of what the world thinks of as a Texas accent (thank you,
"Dallas").

> 11. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

On either gender.

> 12. The local papers covers national and international news on one page
but  requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

High school sports alone gets two pages.

> 13. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

It's not?

> 14. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."

I personally find it too f***ing hot, myself, but then, I don't care for
jalapenos or chicken fried steak, either. I think I'm a changeling.

> 15. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, Summer, Still summer, and
Christmas.

Sadly, this is too true to be funny. All you people jumping up and down
because something bloomed in your yard, when our first batch of wildflowers
has gone to seed and been mowed down and things are starting to get brown
and crispy.....

> 16. You know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or south
Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

Especially if they open it to spit.

> 17. You know there is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of
1000 or more and you  use them as milemarkers for trips.

Yes. I know the distance (in hours/minutes) between DQs on the way to
Houston and Austin and College Station. Sigh.

> 18. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as " goin wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World."

This is not as time-honored as the rest, Wal-Marts are not that old.

> 19. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.

I don't like chili. But anything under 82 is cool weather.

> 20. You think eating chili helps to cool you off in hot weather by making
you sweat.

It does. But I don't like chili.

> 21. You know frito pie isn't a pie, and isn't a dessert, but should be a
food group.

It isn't?

> 22. You find the word dinner confusing - there's only lunch and then
there's supper.

Yes. Breakfast --> Lunch --> Supper. A dinner is a formal thing where you
have to dress nicely, or have reservations for, or where there is an
honoree.

> 23. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Texas.

Or to your friends all over everywhere. If you read this far, you are
friends indeed, or you have Texan relatives and understand.

--Amanda