moved from Main List: on not having children

[ssk7882]

Amy Z. (now in my time-zone!) wrote:

> Waaal, the pressure on women to find a Man by 20 so they can have 
> Child Number One by 25 and Child Number Two Point Three by 30 is 
> the stuff of big, ugly, sexist myths. But the biological clock 
> itself, complete with ominous tick, is not. There *is* an age at 
> which women can no longer bear children, unless menopause is 
> another myth. So them that wants 'em can't wait *indefinitely.* 
> That, surely, is a fact.

True 'nuff.  And I've now reached the age where a lot of my peers are 
beginning to feel that "OMG, I'm 35! If I want kids, I'd better get 
*cracking!*" pressure.  Medical technology and good nutrition have 
extended the period of fertility to quite a degree, but there's still 
a limit, and there's always the question of plain old *energy* to 
contend with.  Not everyone ages so gracefully that running around 
after a rambunctious 3-year-old is going to feel the same to them at 
age 40 as it would have at age 25.

It's not been my experience, though, that women who have never before 
had the slightest interest in children very often hit the age of 33 
only to find themselves suddenly cooing over prams and bemoaning 
their Youth Mispent Not Looking For A Good Provider, which is the 
scenario that some people seem to enjoy promoting as a kind of 
cautionary tale: "You'll be sorry later," they warn young 
women.  "You'll be soooo-rrrrry!"

Feh.  

> Future breeder though I am, but I have never been able to 
> comprehend the accusation that a lack of desire to have children is 
> selfish. The way I use the word, it means putting one's desires 
> ahead of others' to an unkind degree. 

It's the "to an unkind degree" that is key here, I think.

Certainly I am willing to acknowledge (quite cheerfully, too) that my 
lack of desire to have children *does* have a selfish element.  After 
all, children are *expensive.*  They require a lot of attention and a 
lot of sacrifices: sacrifices of time, sacrifices of energy, 
sacrifices of freedom and autonomy.  Sacrifices that I have 
absolutely no desire to make.

I can't feel too guilty about that, though.  After all, I haven't 
gone off to India to devote my life to labor in a leper colony 
either.  I'm no saint, and I'd be doing the lepers no favors if I 
tried to pretend to be one --  much as I'd be doing no child a favor 
by pretending to be well-suited to parenthood.  

> No, the only interpretation I've been able to come up with is that 
> some people think that doing what one wants to do is selfish, even 
> if it doesn't hurt anyone or even interfere with anyone else's fun.

Sadly, I think that many people do think that way. My own parents 
never minded much about the grandchildren, but they always insisted 
that my disinclination to pursue any form of high-powered career was 
unspeakably selfish. 

Just can't win with some people, can you?


Elkins (who has now reached July in her reading and is having weird 
flashbacks to her pre-delurk days)