"You're Just Selfish!" (WAS moved from Main List: on not having children)

[Cindy C.]

Elkins:

> It's not been my experience, though, that women who have never 
>before had the slightest interest in children very often hit the 
>age of 33 only to find themselves suddenly cooing over prams and 
>bemoaning their Youth Mispent Not Looking For A Good Provider, 

Welcome back, Elkins!

Now, let me disagree with you.  :-D

I've seen exactly that plenty of times.  In my world, you'll have 
ambitious, competitive, hard-charging female.  She's been groomed 
her whole life to accomplish Great Things.  She doesn't want or need 
a spouse or kids; she's always wanted to be in some profession and 
rising rapidly to the top of it.  

And she gets there.  And she looks around.  And she realizes that it 
isn't all it's cracked up to be.  It's kind of hollow, really -- 
just the TV and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  I mean, how many of 
those great shrimp cocktail things can one person eat?  Plus, past 
accomplishments are just that -- in the past -- and people 
constantly want to know what wonderful and brilliant thing she has 
done *this* week.  The idea of gutting it out in the corporate 
jungle for the next 35 years starts to become less appealing.  So 
her priorites might shift a bit.  

I said "*Might.*"  I know women who experienced no shift at all, of 
course.  These women could buy and sell me.  I also know men who 
have experienced the same thing, of course.  But it does happen.


Amy:

> No, the only interpretation I've been able to come up with is that 
> some people think that doing what one wants to do is selfish, even 
> if it doesn't hurt anyone or even interfere with anyone else's fun.

Boy, some people really think that way, huh?  There's also the "You 
won't do what *I* want, so that makes *you* selfish!" variant.

This is such a weird way of thinking.  Most everyone is selfish -- 
this explains why none of us is emptying our bank accounts and 
handing the money over the nearest homeless person.  

So what's the difference between immoral selfishness and simply 
doing what one wants?  I dunno.  In my experience, though, the first 
person to level a charge of "selfishness" is often someone who has 
done the wrong thing themselves and then resents someone else's 
refusal to bail them out.  "You're so *selfish* because you won't 
let me borrow your car!"  "You're *selfish* because you won't cover 
for me!"  Pah!

Elkins:

 
>My own parents never minded much about the grandchildren, but they 
>always insisted that my disinclination to pursue any form of high-
>powered career was unspeakably selfish. 

I got a different, more guilt-inducing variant of that one:  "You're 
so *selfish* because you should use your skills on behalf of other 
people of color!  Everyone else is entitled to any career they want, 
but you're selfish unless you work for the NAACP!"

Yeah, well.  The NAACP probably wouldn't hire me anyway.  Which 
makes the NAACP *selfish!*  :-D


> Elkins (who has now reached July in her reading and is having 
>weird  flashbacks to her pre-delurk days)

Cindy -- patiently waiting for Elkins to finish her reading so 
Elkins can tell her what to think