Children Anyone? (WAS:on not having children)

[vulgarweed]

Pam congratulated thusly:


> Ah, but there's the rub.  There aren't many who have made the kind 
of rational decision that you have.   There are many women who adopt 
the position of not wanting children because--they believe-- those 
children would be inconvenient for or incongruent to the lifestyle 
they aspire to or fantasize having. 

Another mid-30-something who's never experienced baby-longing 
here--the decision IS rational, BUT...just like the decision of most 
people who DO have children, it is based, fundamentally, on desire. 
I'm pretty sure if I really wanted a child, I'd come up with some way 
to have one, whether it was a "good idea" or not, and I'll bet the 
same is true of the other very determined and resourceful women who've 
expressed that lack of desire. There are many, many, many good reasons 
why I don't have a child--but reason Number One, which sets the stage 
for all the others, is that I don't want one. Both parents and 
non-parents are, I think, acting a little selfishly, in that they are 
going for what they _want_.

As for the "lifestyle" thing, which is a thinly veiled dig at those of 
us who are unmarried urban types quite devoted to our careers (mine is 
in arts journalism, which requires a lot of late nights out and 
travel, and doesn't bring in a great deal of cash--no Manolo Blahnik 
shoes for me!), well, there's no lifestyle choice out there that 
*guarantees* lack of regrets. Believe me, all my life I've known 
plenty of elderly folks who never see the children they trusted to 
take care of them, and are much lonelier than their peers who invested 
energy in a *larger* community, in a network of friends and colleagues 
and a web of _adult_ companionship.

 I know many women who think they are living a "Sex in the City" 
lifestyle--oh, the drama!  oh, the intrigue!--only to find that such a 
lifestyle doesn't really exist or isn't sustainable over the long 
term.  Or else there are the women whose spouse or significant other 
has declared himself opposed to children (for some reason or other); 
these women often echo the sentiments to sustain the relationship ("He 
loves me and he'll change his mind if I want him to" or "I'll do 
anything to keep him."   When the relationship fizzles or the woman 
can no longer continue to repress her own desires--bang!  You get the 
old baby crisis.

Well, I once had to let a man I loved very deeply go, because he 
wanted very much to be a father someday. I could not/would not deny 
him that experience--but I also could not give it to him (not without 
inflicting my own subsequent unhappiness on *two* people who don't 
deserve it). It wasn't easy to do, and it was hard on both of us. But 
I also think, if I say so myself, it was ultimatley rather *unselfish* 
of me.


> And she gets there.  And she looks around.  And she realizes that it 
> isn't all it's cracked up to be.  It's kind of hollow, really -- 
> just the TV and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Well, I'm nowhere near the top of my field yet, although I'm 
constantly working on it, and I do have a couple professional awards. 
But I can tell you I DO have a partner (not a husband--no need for him 
to be, really, but if he ever wants to be I reckon it'll be fine); I 
have a network of friends I've been very close to for a decade and a 
half who are seriously discussing buying land together for communal 
living in our old age; I'm very close to my parents and to my 
partner's; if I want to spoil some kids I have his adorable nieces; I 
love our cats; he's in three (3!) bands (one of them with a guy who's 
been his best friend since high school) and is working on his second 
solo album, and I have a fanfiction hobby and am doing research for an 
original novel and working on applying for a journo fellowship.

I haven't watched TV in weeks except the news. Who has time? 

I'm sorry if this sounds like bragging, but I know I am NOT a rare, 
special case. Most of the people I know are just like this (with 
obvious variations on the details of pursuit and circumstance. SOme of 
'em even do have kids--the happiest being the editor-in-chief of my 
paper, who can afford for her husband to stay home with them.)
 
> 
> Don't I know it.  I have a few friends who are dealing with that 
right now.  Women who looked down at me when I fell pregnant with my 
first.   One actually  said she was sorry; you'd have thought I said I 
was terminally ill or something.  Some who dropped me like a hot 
potato.  Now many of these same women are dealing with age-related 
fertility issues or loneliness from having put off developing intimate 
relationships in order to foster a career or an education.  That Ph.D. 
is nice to have, but it doesn't keep you warm at night.  Besides, I 
don't know that personal advancement and educational/career 
aspirations are mutually exclusive.   But that's another can of worms.

Well, that can of worms is the whole point, isn't it?

It's funny - someone else posted about being criticized for having her 
kids too young. But then there are others who will criticize women for 
having them too old. The point is, there will always be people around 
who feel free to criticize you for whatever reason. Women get the 
brunt of this in the "personal choices" department, because we're 
supposed to be the ones who "keep the home fires burning" while men do 
whatever they're going to do--and of course it's other women who seem 
to do the brunt of the criticizing lots of times. To hell with the 
criticisms, since there is NO path you can take that will avoid them 
entirely.

I might be able to be talked into feeling guilty for not reproducing 
if I were a California condor, or a Bengal tiger, or a northern 
spotted owl. But since _homo sapiens sapiens_ is by no stretch an 
endangered species (except perhaps by other means than numerical 
extinction), I'll leave it to the people who are suited for it and 
want to do it, the same way I left nuclear physics to people who are 
good at math and internal medicine to people who don't faint at the 
sight of blood.

And if I freak out and change my mind at 45? Adoption, adoption, 
adoption! Have never understood this fertility-treatment craze: give a 
loving home to a c