Children Anyone? (WAS:on not having children)

[Pam Hugonnet]

Elkins wrote:

Certainly I am willing to acknowledge (quite cheerfully, too) that my 
lack of desire to have children *does* have a selfish element.  After 
all, children are *expensive.*  They require a lot of attention and a 
lot of sacrifices: sacrifices of time, sacrifices of energy, 
sacrifices of freedom and autonomy.  Sacrifices that I have absolutely no desire to make.


I say:

First, let me applaud you and Catlady and any others out there who make the reasoned and informed decision to not have children.  It is a good thing to know yourself and your capacities and to act accordingly.  Is it selfish?  That depends...many things people choose to do (including having children) are selfish but, as others have pointed out, being selfish is not always a bad thing.

Elkins adds:
It's not been my experience, though, that women who have never before 
had the slightest interest in children very often hit the age of 33 
only to find themselves suddenly cooing over prams and bemoaning 
their Youth Mispent Not Looking For A Good Provider, which is the 
scenario that some people seem to enjoy promoting as a kind of 
cautionary tale: "You'll be sorry later," they warn young 
women.  "You'll be soooo-rrrrry!"



Ah, but there's the rub.  There aren't many who have made the kind of rational decision that you have.   There are many women who adopt the position of not wanting children because--they believe-- those children would be inconvenient for or incongruent to the lifestyle they aspire to or fantasize having.  I know many women who think they are living a "Sex in the City" lifestyle--oh, the drama!  oh, the intrigue!--only to find that such a lifestyle doesn't really exist or isn't sustainable over the long term.  Or else there are the women whose spouse or significant other has declared himself opposed to children (for some reason or other); these women often echo the sentiments to sustain the relationship ("He loves me and he'll change his mind if I want him to" or "I'll do anything to keep him."   When the relationship fizzles or the woman can no longer continue to repress her own desires--bang!  You get the old baby crisis.

Listen to me, I sound like a shrink.


Cindy writes:

I've seen exactly that plenty of times.  In my world, you'll have 
ambitious, competitive, hard-charging female.  She's been groomed 
her whole life to accomplish Great Things.  She doesn't want or need 
a spouse or kids; she's always wanted to be in some profession and 
rising rapidly to the top of it.  

And she gets there.  And she looks around.  And she realizes that it 
isn't all it's cracked up to be.  It's kind of hollow, really -- 
just the TV and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.


Don't I know it.  I have a few friends who are dealing with that right now.  Women who looked down at me when I fell pregnant with my first.   One actually  said she was sorry; you'd have thought I said I was terminally ill or something.  Some who dropped me like a hot potato.  Now many of these same women are dealing with age-related fertility issues or loneliness from having put off developing intimate relationships in order to foster a career or an education.  That Ph.D. is nice to have, but it doesn't keep you warm at night.  Besides, I don't know that personal advancement and educational/career aspirations are mutually exclusive.   But that's another can of worms.


Cindy wrote in response to Kirstini:

There is *never* a good time to have children.  Really.  It would be 
easier to manage it all if children were like a loaf of bread and 
appeared the instant you wished to have them.  No, you've got that 9-
month time lag to consider.

Professionally, there's not a good time, either.  If you are just 
starting out, it will be hard to get any traction and compete with 
your childless rivals.  If you wait until you have established 
yourself, then it is hard to give up what you have achieved (your 
client base, your caseload, etc.).  


Yup.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Had my first when I was finishing up my residency.  Had my second when I was writing my dissertation.  Three was well timed--only had to buy a new car to accommodate the extra passenger; number four was a total shocker which necessitated my scuttling a part-time private practice that I was trying to put together, buying a new house, etc...  There's always something, but you just pick a time when most of the infrastructure is in place, be ready to make some sacrifices and hard choices and hope for the best.

BTW, Cindy,  I thought of you this morning as I was taking #1 and #2 to the bus stop.  There were many smiling moms and dads and several sad little faces.  Hope you had a quiet day.   Your Dr. Phil message made me laugh.  We just got back from taking the kids to Disney for week; can you believe they fought right in the middle of the Magic Kingdom?  Yes, you can...

drpam
singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."


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