the whole kid thing

[joywitch_m_curmudgeon]

I'm finding the whole kid discussion very interesting, as these are 
questions I've thought about a lot.  I'm kind of in the same boat as 
my old buddy Catlady -- I'm in my mid-forties and have never really 
had much desire to have kids.

I spent most of my thirties in a relatively stable, relatively happy 
(although it didn't stay that way) relationship with a very nice man, 
who didn't want the responsibility of having kids but would have 
dealt with it if he had had to.  That's pretty much the way I felt, 
too.  Probably fortunately, no "accidents" occurred.

I kept waiting for that "baby need" that Elkins sneered (rightfully) 
at to happen.  All during my thirties, I waited for my biological 
clock to start screaming at me.  But, you know what?  As I got older, 
and more and more of my friends had kids, I found that I had less and 
less desire to have one of my own.  In particular, the thought of 
taking care of a baby, and in particular actually having to get 
pregnant and give birth to one, I find extremely unappealing.  I've 
taken care of my friends' babies.  It sucks -- it's boring and smelly 
and messy and tiring.  And yeh, yeh, yeh, I know it's supposed to be 
different when it's your own.  I don't buy it.

People around here who've known me for a while know that I frequently 
spout my curmudgeonly dislike of children, and talk about my witchly 
predilection for boiling children in my cauldron when they venture 
too close to the Joycave (I used to live in a gingerbread house, but 
then it rained.)

But, I'll make a true confession here.  I really love a lot of my 
friends' kids.  (Not all.)  I'm going to see my best friend this 
weekend, and I have to admit that my heart leaps at the thought of 
how her 2 year old daughter, who I adore, always comes running up to 
hug me when I visit.  (I admit it, we've bonded.)  There have even 
been one or two occasions when babies didn't seem so horrible.

But is that enough to make me want one of my own?  No, I don't think 
so.  I just don't have enough personal desire to reproduce for it to 
make sense.  Is there any societal need?  IMO, the last thing the 
world needs is more people in it.  However, there is a societal need 
to take care of the world's many neglected kids, and I've given a lot 
of serious consideration to adopting a kid.  I like the idea of 
adopting an older kid, to avoid the baby stage, and to rescue some 
unhappy soul from her cupboard under the stairway.

A lot of people I tell that to are really appalled by this. (Most are 
supportive, though.)  Some people just can't imagine raising "someone 
else's child."  They seem to have this idea that child-raising 
involves possession, and molding this little person in your own 
image.  IMO, this is a lot of the motivation for a lot of people who 
have kids, and it's one I don't share.  I don't even think it's 
healthy.  How many of us resent our parents' continuing efforts to 
mold our lives?  (I thought so.)  

That's why I want to adopt an older kid.  I don't want to raise a 
little duplicate Joybaby, I just want to provide a home to someone 
who needs it.  (And yes, I know there can be a lot of difficulties 
with a adopting neglected child, but that's another question 
altogether.)

And there's a million other ifs, ands and buts here.  If I had a 
partner who had kids, or wanted kids, it would probably change my 
feelings and would certainly change my options.  And, in the unlikely 
event that I accidently got pregnant, barring medical complications 
(somewhat likely, at my age) I would just go ahead and have a baby.

But to have kids, just because that's what you're "supposed" to do?  
Seems stupid, to me.

--Joywitch, still a Curmudgeon, I suppose.