"You're Just Selfish!" (WAS moved from Main List: on not having children)

[Cindy C.]

Gee!  So many excellent observations on this thread!  

Elkins wrote:

> No, I was referring to this idea that it's commonplace for women 
>who don't even particularly *like* children to suddenly start 
>adoring and desiring them overnight due to some weird hormonal 
>thing that happens to them when they get older.  


Ah, well, I see your point.

And I surely agree that some people know very early on that they 
don't want children.  

I think, however, those people are in the minority.  More 
specifically, I think it is quite common for someone in their early 
20s to say they do not want children and do not like children.  I 
said it myself.

What *can* happen is that people simply change their minds.  This 
can be due to Ben and Jerry's burn-out.  Or meeting someone who 
desperately wants kids so they decide to give it a go.  

Why do I say that?  Well . . . if someone in their early 20s wants 
to make darn sure they don't have kids, they can have themselves 
sterilized.  Not many do, though, because even people who dislike 
children and don't want any wish to leave open the possibility that 
they may feel differently someday.

Now, my guess would be that most people who believed in their early 
20s that they don't want children wind up wanting them or having 
them later.  Is that true?  Are there people here who once swore off 
the whole breeding thing but who changed their minds?


> What you're talking about seems to me to be a shift in 
>*priorities,* which is a very different animal than a shift in 
>fundamental likes and dislikes.  

You know, I'm not sure I can agree.  I would call it a fundamental 
shift in *values.*  Our hypothetical career woman once valued the 
monetary rewards and prestige of career, and now she values them 
less.  I do think values can shift mightily as one matures.

Elkins:

>What you have riding on my decision to reproduce is mainly your own 
>sense of validation. 

There's no arguing with that.  

After all, if I absolutely love cheesecake and claim my life has 
been transformed by eating this cheesecake, I would expect you to 
take my word for it and have a bite of cheesecake.  So when those 
who are childless by choice *and* in a financial and social position 
to have children decline a bite of parenthood, it does come as a 
surprise to those of us who only wish we could afford *more*, erm,  
cheesecake.  

Anyway, I actually do understand the decision to be childless by 
choice.  I respect it, myself, as I think it is easier to just 
buckle under the societal pressure and breed because others expect 
it.  That said, being a parent is *way* more fun than I expected it 
to be, but I can certainly see why others would feel differently. 

Cindy -- wondering if we should start up "HPfGU -- Oprah"