[HPFGU-OTChatter] Re: Children Anyone? (WAS:on not having children)

[Pam Hugonnet]

Vulgarweed writes:

As for the "lifestyle" thing, which is a thinly veiled dig at those of 
us who are unmarried urban types quite devoted to our careers (mine is 
in arts journalism, which requires a lot of late nights out and 
travel, and doesn't bring in a great deal of cash--no Manolo Blahnik 
shoes for me!), well, there's no lifestyle choice out there that 
*guarantees* lack of regrets. Believe me, all my life I've known 
plenty of elderly folks who never see the children they trusted to 
take care of them, and are much lonelier than their peers who invested 
energy in a *larger* community, in a network of friends and colleagues 
and a web of _adult_ companionship.


I think you've misunderstood me here; there was no intent to have a dig, but rather to point out that there are many women who are out there chasing a lifestyle which may be unrealistic, unattainable, unsustainable or all three and who are basing their decisions on those fantasies.  That's much different from those who are following a particular career path.  And I don't think I implied that it is a better choice to have children; it is a most personal decision, to be made by the particular individual involved and to be respected by all others who are not personally involved.  


Besides, had I ever thought that my children would take care of me in my old age, they have thoroughly disabused me of that notion by now.  I shudder to think of how they would exact their revenge on me ; )

Certainly it is important to have a network of friends, colleagues and an investment in the larger community; being a parent doesn't preclude that, it demands it if you are to have some hope of coming out of the other side as relatively sane and whole.  Some new parents do find that sort of network hard to create or maintain.  When I had my first and quit working, I found myself feeling very adrift and isolated.  It felt as if I had joined this whole new secret shadow world I had never known to exist.  Who were those people lined  up at stores waiting for them to open at 9:30?   Those hollow-eyed men and women in Giant late at night?  I became one of them.  It was hard to adapt to a whole new identity; I wasn't a doctor anymore...I didn't have any special skill that set me apaprt from the crowds.  Sometimes it was hard to feel as though I had something in common (besides children) with the other people I met.  I think it took about two years to redefine myself and to create a network of friends.  It is interesting to me that since I have been home, I have met a wider group of people and probably get a better quality of adult companionship than I did before.  (Although, the fact that I worked in prisons and facilities for the criminally insane probably had some impact on the quality of the adult companionship I had at the time.)

drpam

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