Couplethink (late response to Tabouli, Amy, Judy)

[Ebony <selah_1977@yahoo.com>]

You guys drove me out of lurkdom for this one. 

Tabouli wrote:

"The fact of the matter is that I have, to date, *always* been 
happier when
single than when in a sexual relationship. *Always*. (cue for friends 
to coo
"oooh, but that's because you just haven't met the right guy..."). 
Relationships have the very effect on me that Elkins describes. A 
relationship
consumes so much of my mental space and time and energy, narrows my 
focus,
dominates my brain. Relationships podify me. Haven't had one for two 
years
and haven't missed having one. And have been happier in the last two 
years
than I ever was before now when I was having a series of what were 
really
pretty unsatisfactory relationships."

YES, Tabouli.  Yes, yes, and yes again.  I am 25 and have been single 
for two years.  I've dated some, but I've actively rejected many 
chances to get involved again.  I am far too busy for a 
boyfriend/significant other/whatver right now.  I mean, the men I've 
dated over the past two years do not understand the Travel Thing, the 
HP Thing, the Why You Have To Go To Grad School Now Thing, and then 
they do not understand why I don't have time to be at their beck and 
call even when I explain... "I teach high school full time, I'm 
writing a thesis, and I'm really involved with the running of several 
websites.  You'd have to understand that."  One of my beta-readers 
seemed to think that this was mainly a cultural thing (I guess 
implying something about black men), but it can't be as two of the 
guys in question were from the majority culture... I am an equal 
opportunity dater.  

And I get so impatient... because the men I've dated expect so much 
from me, and I'm so completely unwilling to drop everything for their 
sake.  I've not met anyone I'd do that for yet.  I don't know if I 
ever will.  Or if I ever want to.
 
Now, I meet interested men all the time.  No one's ever had to "fix 
me up"; I get approached not just in clubs or bars or at the mall, 
but I've dated colleagues from other schools or districts, 
classmates, people I've met through mutual friends.  But not only am 
I not dating, to my family's chagrin, I'm not making dating a 
priority.  This is certainly a new one for them; they aren't quite 
sure how to take it.  All the women in my family are stay-at-home 
homemakers who married by the time they were my age.  College degree 
or not, and no matter how much money there is (we range from lower 
working to upper middle on Mom's side.)  They worry about me, I 
know.  But I can't care.  I can't be on some "well, my late 20s are 
approaching, better get a man" timetable.

So.  Am I unhappy?  Deep down?

Not really.

I think everything happens for a reason.  And the reason why I didn't 
marry my ex, and broke up with him, is because I was hungry for 
something else out of life.  I wanted something more than my narrow 
view of the world, which was centered on community, and family, and 
church, and *him*.   But with him, it was all about him... and I've 
found that to be the case in so many relationships.

And right now in my life, I want it to be about me.  Someday I may 
marry, and then I'll have to share.  But the past two years and more 
have been bliss.  It's been the first time in my life where I'm not 
beholden to anyone.  I can eat whatever I want... sleep when I 
want... and if I want, I can call up someone for company.  If not, I 
can be by myself.  It's nice.  I don't feel like I have to cook 
dinner or wash clothes or do anything except what I want to do when I 
want to do it.  So I think I'm embarking on my third year of being 
drunk on independence.

And married friends and co-workers say, "How do you like living 
alone?"

Well.  I love it.  So much, in fact, I've turned down roommate 
offers.  I'm rarely lonely; people are only a phone call or an 
Internet click away.  I have a car; if I want people I can go pack a 
bag and be with them.  It's a nice, cozy feeling.

I used to envy marriage more when I was in my early 20s, and still 
not over my ex. I used to sigh over married friends, over their lives 
and homes and babies, and wish like hell The Fairy Tale would happen 
for me.

Please.

To be honest?  I have a feeling that if and when I do get a new 
boyfriend, the fandom will have to go.  I am serious.  The time that 
I'm able to give to the fandom now used to be "couple time".  Now, 
I'm doing fandom things from after dinner until I fall asleep.  And 
even worse, on *Saturdays* I Mod FictionAlley, advise other fandom 
sites, do my grad school reading, go shopping, visit museums, write 
fanfic... instead of going on dates.


Tabouli goes on to say:

"The most irksome thing about it isn't the lack of boyfriend, it's 
people's
refusal to believe that you can be happy without one. They are 
convinced that
you are just in denial, or putting a brave face on it, or playing the
independent woman who needs no-one role and fooling no-one, or, most
insultingly of all, that the reason why you're single is because 
there's
Something Wrong With You (too fussy, too unrealistic, "threatened by 
men", too
old, too unattractive... the list goes on)."

Oh, Tabouli.  *laughs*  You hit the nail on the head again.  You see, 
in my fanfiction, I just married some folks off after a long time, 
and this generated some discussion.  Eventually my view of marriage 
and children came under fire.  And a couple of the readers (both 
Fieldingian Smug Marrieds, one a woman, the other a man) assured me 
that Yes, Someday My Prince Would Come If I Just Patiently Waited.  

Ooooooookay.  Guess I'll keep on waiting like a good little girl, 
then!  :)

I do admit the holidays can be hard if you've got this unrealistic 
view of them.  Over the first three weeks of December, I got very 
wibbly... second Christmas with no boyfriend!  What if horror of 
horrors this was a trend?

But this season was fantastic.  I was shocked, quite frankly.  It was 
a season of firsts... first time I co-hosted our family's holiday 
party/karamu, first time I slept beneath the Christmas tree all night 
on Christmas Eve (long story... childhood fantasy of mine), first 
time I went clubbing on New Year's Eve.

I had a fantastic time.  And I have this feeling that 2003 will be 
even better.


Amy wrote:

"Or we don't take the time... 
A sociological factor in the U.S. is that we are very mobile over a 
very wide stretch of continent. Many Americans still live and die in 
a single small town, but millions of us pick up and go for education, 
work, or to marry someone from far away (since we meet them when we 
go thousands of miles for school or work). Much has been written 
about how this may make us shy of creating deep friendships, 
community connections, etc. I think to some extent it is true."

Totally agreed here.  One of the reasons why I think I'm able to 
function as a single without getting wibbly every time I think about 
being solo is because my life is filled with people who love me.  I'm 
integrated into so many fabrics... I've got an extended family who is 
now based here in Detroit, I am a teacher with an ever-growing number 
of students and former students, and I'm slowly expanding my sphere 
in grad school.  There are a lot of things I hate about this city, 
but in Detroit and 'burbs, there's about one or two degrees of 
separation.  It's easy for me  to feel integrated and get things 
done... to feel at home.

Could I move somewhere else?  Sure. But it doesn't take an act of 
matyrdom to stay, it's easy, it's familiar, and it's emotionally 
healthy for me to have these "hook-ups".

Connections can be even made online, if you're so inclined.  I was 
lucky in HP fandom; when I got here, I got to know the people who 
were doing things to build it, and I helped.  Then I started writing 
fanfic, and a lot of people read the first one.   However, I think 
the whole BNF thing is silly when it comes to me.  So when people IM 
me or e-mail saying I'm the great this or the famous that, I stop 
them in their tracks and ask about them.  All of the closest fandom 
friends I've made over the past year and a half were former fans whom 
I cultivated friendships with.  I don't want "fans" here, that's 
pretentious.  I want *friends*.  

And I think I got a few... while for some longtime HP folks this 
primarily an online phenom, many of the people in HP fandom have 
become my dearest RL friends.  They call me when I'm sick, send me 
birthday and Christmas cards, come to visit, insist that I stay with 
them, etc.  Recent examples--one of my best friends from the fandom 
told me yesterday that she and some of her girlfriends are driving up 
here for the weekend sometime this month, and to expect company.  
Another fandom friend in South America expects to be getting married 
this year, and I am to attend this wedding, full stop.  Then another 
who extended her hospitality to me in London in the summer of 2001 
asked if I'd be returning, and we talked about plans for a catch-up 
chat at Nimbus.

So I guess I say all this to say that it's going to take a pretty 
special man for me now.  My world's expanded so much more widely 
now... so when I'm on a date, and a guy tells me he doesn't like to 
travel, he likes to stay home and play video games, and doesn't seem 
to really dig me doing all this stuff, then why bother?  He's not 
going to change me and I've no interest in changing him.  Let him 
have his sofa.  :)

Judy wrote:

"I agree that this is a real problem. What I see as the worst part of
"the privileging of sex" is that it leaves partnerless people in an
awful position. I never really had a boyfriend until I met Tom (who
is now my husband) at the age of 24. Before that, I felt socially
excluded a lot. I remember some of my female friends saying that I
shouldn't worry so much about not having a boyfriend, and should just
concentrate on my (non-romantic) friendships. But, when I'd respond
with "OK, good idea. So, do you want to go see a movie?" they would
invariably say "Sorry, I've got a date with my boyfriend." Gah! "

Oh, then that's when you get a new group of friends.  *vbeg*

Almost all my closest friends, fandom and RL, are single and divorced 
women in my age bracket.  There are a few men, a few marrieds, and a 
few marrieds-with-kids.  But my core friendship base are my fellow 
solo sisters... and that helps.   

And sure, sometimes they might have a date, or I might have a date.  
But I will certainly go to the movies by myself, to a restaurant by 
myself, to a museum or gallery by myself.  Do this often.  Like doing 
it.  Have met some interesting people doing it.  This year, I plan to 
go to a nice club by myself.  I like being on a date, I like doing 
things in groups, but I like my own company at times.  (I think this 
is why I meet people a lot too... because sometimes it's easier for 
someone to come up to you when you're by yourself than when you're in 
a group.)

And Elkins?  Your strong convictions are admirable.  However, I 
cannot believe in what you say simply because in my RL, all platonic 
friendships have been suspect.  All of my closest platonic 
friendships were changed when 1) he admitted his feelings for me 
(most often), 2)  he got into a relationship with an insecure woman 
who did not like me and interfered (a few times), or 3) we realized 
we were more than friends and began to date (in two cases).  

If there is any area of friendship I'd most like to experience, it's 
a completely platonic relationship with a straight guy.  I've got gay 
male friends; but there, you can't test the theory as there's no 
sexual attraction.  I'd love to have just a guy *friend*, without any 
of the strings, --but it never works out that way for me.  I know it 
exists, but it hasn't happened for me yet.

--Eb