Couplethink (late response to Tabouli, Amy, Judy)

[dradamsapple <dradamsapple@yahoo.com>]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at yahoogroups.com, "Ebony <selah_1977 at y...>" 
<selah_1977 at y...> wrote:
> You guys drove me out of lurkdom for this one. 
> 
> Tabouli wrote:
> 
> "The fact of the matter is that I have, to date, *always* been 
> happier when
> single than when in a sexual relationship. *Always*. (cue for 
friends 
> to coo
> "oooh, but that's because you just haven't met the right guy..."). 
>

Ebony replies;
 
> YES, Tabouli.  Yes, yes, and yes again.  I am 25 and have been 
single 
> for two years. 

>>snip<<

> So.  Am I unhappy?  Deep down?
> 
> Not really.


>>snip<<

 
> I think everything happens for a reason.  And the reason why I 
didn't 
> marry my ex, and broke up with him, is because I was hungry for 
> something else out of life. 
> And right now in my life, I want it to be about me.  Someday I may 
> marry, and then I'll have to share.  But the past two years and 
more 
> have been bliss. 


Ok, Ebony, 

You have gotten *me* out of semi-lurkdom on this topic.

I am soo thrilled to see someone of "your" generation (I sound about 
Dumbledors age, don't I??) finally come out and say this; that it is 
ok to be single. 
 
I was three weeks shy of my 29th birthday when I got married and I 
thought *I* was old! I was feeling so pressured to *fit in*.  (I was 
mostly putting pressure on myself though.)  Most of my friends were 
already working on having children by then.  But as I look back, I do 
not feel that 29 is *old*.  I will never, ever, be able to devote as 
much time to myself as when I could when I was in my twenties, and 
that's a good thing.  (I'm currently 42, with a husband, house, three 
kids, a dog and a turtle *ugh! I sound so conventionally suburban!!
*)  The time and energy that is used when one is in a "committed' 
relationship, being a legal union or not, in overwhelming.  As I have 
stated to many, younger friends and co-workers,  you not only *marry* 
the person, but you *marry*  everthing that comes along with that 
person, be it parents, ex-spouses, children, bank accounts, smelly 
feet (eewww!!) or what have you.  And you better be prepared for it, 
as I have experienced, many younger people are not.  That's not to 
say that a happy union can not happen if both partners are younger.  
I know of many, many, *high school sweethearts* who are still going 
strong 20, 30, and 40 years later. But I think in today's society is 
becoming more rare.  

I don't know the statistics on the divorce rate among twenty 
somethings, but from my own personal experience with family members 
and freinds, the majority of the reasons why those marriages ended in 
divorce was that either one or both of the *betrothed* hadn't grown 
up yet, and I don't mean physically.  And I don't mean that in a 
condescending manner either, but rather that they had not really 
discovered themselves yet, and were not in a position to share their 
life with someone when they were still learning about themselves.  

One of the things that I am most happy about, in getting married at 
age 29, was that I really didn't have any regrets.  I knew who I was 
at the time, and was pretty secure in being me. And that's when I met 
my husband. There are things that I would like to do in the future, 
with my husband, but I know that I don't know what life has in store 
for me:   my father passed away last March; my mother is getting 
older; my father-in-law is a pretty sick diabetic, and in a nursing 
home; kids need braces; $$$MONEY$$$;  unfortunately, I don't have a 
Prof. Trelawny to advise me, or warn me of what is going to happen.   
I have chosen this life, and although it can be frustrating at times, 
it is very rewarding for me, and I actually feel very lucky.  That's 
not to say it is for everyone.   

I applaud you (both Ebony and Tabouli, and whovever else feels the 
same) in recognizing this.  Enjoy your lives, and relish in that fact 
that you can do anything you want, any time.  Do not let society 
pressure you into conforming to the *norm*.  No one knows you better 
than you.  And besides, what IS the *norm*?    
 
> >snip<<

> Ebony says;
>
 One of the reasons why I think I'm able to 
> function as a single without getting wibbly every time I think 
about 
> being solo is because my life is filled with people who love me.  
I'm 
> integrated into so many fabrics... 

>>snip<<
> 
> So I guess I say all this to say that it's going to take a pretty 
> special man for me now.  My world's expanded so much more widely 
> now... so when I'm on a date, and a guy tells me he doesn't like to 
> travel, he likes to stay home and play video games, and doesn't 
seem 
> to really dig me doing all this stuff, then why bother?  He's not 
> going to change me and I've no interest in changing him.  Let him 
> have his sofa.  :)
 
> --Eb

YES! Ebony!  The magic word:  CHANGE!
Do not ever change yourself for the sake of ANYONE else, be it a 
romantic partner or platonic friendship.  People have to love you for 
you.  I can't tell you how many of my girlfriends in college would 
say that about their boyfriends at the time. "Oh, he'll stop going 
out with his friends when we are engaged."  Or this one, "He wants me 
to quit smoking but I really don't want to."  It is so sad that 
people believe that they can change others.  

Well, enough preaching from me.
Onto RL issues... taking my daughter to the doctor for a ?sinus 
infection!

And on a lighter note, let's start a countdown to June 21, 2003!!

Anna . . . (who really didn't mean to get to preachy here ;-p)