Application for a post at Hogwarts

[Amy Z]

So, we're going to play hardball, are we?

> Joywitch's cat, Chewie, jumps out of his hiding place and catches 
> both Amy's and Wendy's owls.  Leaving them dazed and bruised

Yeah, right.  I've met Chewie, and no owl he caught would stand a 
chance of escaping disembowelment.  Luckily, he only got Olympia* by 
a wingtip and she managed to get up to the top of the grandfather 
clock, where she is nursing her injury and glowering down at the 
killer cat.  I hope Wendy's owl fared as well.

> he 
> takes the letters fastened to their legs in his teeth and brings 
them 
> to Joywitch, who gives him a small, squeaky mouse.

Little does Joywitch know that that mouse is actually a fake wand 
transformed.  Nor does she know that Fred and George, from whom Ms. 
Ziffenplatzen acquired the mouse, *have* invented self-spelling wands 
and that the wand, when it reverts to its original form (maple, 
unicorn hair, 9 inches), will perform an Engorgio charm that 
transforms Chewie from a homicidal threat to birds into a homicidal 
threat to everything that lives.

> Then she waves her wand at Amy's letter, and the signature 
> changes from "Amy Ziffenplatzen" to "Joywitch M. Curmudgeon."  She 
> reseals the letter, takes an owl out of her pocket, fastens the 
> letter to its leg, and sends it off to Hogwarts.

Interesting . . . but does she examine the CV first?  Hm?  Had she 
done so, she might have avoided sending Dumbledore the claim that she 
can serve as both DADA teacher *and* chaplain (a post that has gone 
unfilled so long that Harry doesn't even know it ever existed).  But 
now, having sent another's CV, she might want to prepare for the 
interview, where Dumbledore, that polymath, will no doubt want her to 
discourse with him upon wizarding ethics, the question of life after 
ghosthood, and the differences between LOTR and HP theology.

> "We'll just see who's better at the Dark Arts," she chortles, as 
she 
> sits down to wait.

Defense, m'dear, defense!  If you want to teach the Dark Arts 
themselves, I believe there may be a post open at Durmstrang.

Amy Z

*that's Olympia the Brown owl.  <tips cap to Anne U for the owl-names 
inspiration>