TBAY: Dreaming Of OoP (with guest appearances by A Goldfeesh and Alice)

[Cindy C.]

Cindy staggered around the local public library, clutching the 
shards of what was once a wooden baseball bat.  Somewhere 
*SOMEWHERE* around here must be the library copy of OoP.  The book 
is *huge.*  It shouldn't be that hard to spot, Cindy thought, yet 
she had been searching for a very long time.  How long, she didn't 
know.  This was a dream, and clocks never work properly in dreams. 

Suddenly, she smacked her knee into an enormous desk that seemed to 
have appeared out of thin air.  A golden nameplate fell to the 
ground:  "A Goldfeesh," it read.

"May I help you?" said a peeved voice.  A Goldfeesh peered over the 
top of her cat's eye spectacles, regarding Cindy with disdain.

"Yes, er . . . " Cindy mumbled, massaging her throbbing joint.  "I 
put a copy of OoP on hold.  I've come to pick it up."

"When was this?"

"Uh . . . July 8, 2000."  Cindy held out a crumpled ticket with non-
descript brown stains on both sides.

A Goldfeesh rifled through the reserved books section behind her 
desk.  "Sorry, I don't see a reserved copy here for you.  Are you 
sure it was this library?  And this branch?"

"*Of course* I'm sure!"  Cindy snapped.  "I demand to speak to the 
head librarian this instant!"  She brandished the splintered bat 
menacingly, and A Goldfeesh flinched as she scurried into the back 
room.  "I'll get her immediately," A Goldfeesh called out.  "She 
stays right here in back."

The library was quiet, even for a library.  Dozens of patrons 
hunched over *their* very own copies of OoP, curling one arm 
protectively around them to guard them from Cindy's envious gaze.

"What seems to be the problem?"  The prim head librarian ambled up 
to the front desk lazily.  Cindy squinted at her name 
badge:  "Alice, Master Librarian."

Oh, this is too weird, Cindy thought.  I thought Alice Didn't Live 
Here Anymore.  She cleared her throat.  "I want my reserved copy of 
OoP *right now!*  Or else!"

"Look.  We only have one last reserved copy that hasn't been picked 
up yet.  There's nothing I can do."  

"Who reserved that last copy?" Cindy asked quietly, now concealing 
the bat behind her back and leaning casually over the counter.

"Someone by the name of 'The Elkins."'

"Oh, *perfect!*" Cindy cried.  "I know 'The Elkins!'  She hasn't 
been around these parts in a while though.  Tell you what.  You just 
give me that copy of OoP, and I'll make sure it makes its way into 
the hands of its, uh, rightful owner.  Don't worry, you can count on 
me!"  She forced her lips into a tight smile and struggled to look 
Alice in the eye.

Alice hesitated a moment, then handed the mighty book to 
Cindy.  "Well, OK.  Since you gave me your word and all."

Cindy clutched the priceless tome to her breast.  "Hey, thanks a 
lot!"  She turned toward the exit, then whirled back 
around.  "Listen, if someone claiming to be Elkins comes
by, especially if there are two or three of them, tell them to get 
lost, will you?"

Alice gaped at her, her mouth ajar.

"Hey, you know what?" Cindy said brightly.  "When you do that, you 
look just like 'A Goldfeesh.'  Get it?  Goldfish?  Goldfeesh?"  She 
cackled wildly at her own cleverness.

The library became even more hushed.

"I beg your pardon?" Alice said politely.

"Oh, never mind."  

***************

Cindy