TBAY: Dreaming Of OoP (with guest appearances by A Goldfeesh and Alice)

[alice_loves_cats]

"Ha." said Alice smugly, leaning back in her chair. "That was a good
one, wasn't it, Goldfeesh? Won't she be SURPRISED!"

"Yars..." said Goldfeesh doubtfully. She, after all, had seen the
baseball bat more closely. "I was wondering... if... we should just
call it a day and go home."

"It's hardly past midday, my dear. And Elkins is coming soon, after all."

Goldfeesh sighed, giving in. 

"What exactly DID you give her, by the way?" she inquired, slightly
apprehensive. 

"Oh, the classic" Alice grinned. "William Cobbett's "Advice to young
men, and (incidentally) to young women, in the Middle and Higher Ranks
of Life, in a series of letters, addressed to a youth, a bachelor, a
lover, a husband, a father, and a citizen or a subject, with a preface
by George Spater"." she recited in one long breath.

"Not AGAIN..." groaned Goldfeesh. "You gave her that last time!"

"I am, in fact, intending for her to READ it before long." said Alice,
primly. "It'd do society a whole lot of good if people studied that
book more. Every person of refined upbringing and..." Alice was about
to go off on a rant, but she was interrupted as the door burst open,
revealing Cindy C., brandishing her baseball bat with a dangerous look
on her face. Goldfeesh paled visibly. She decided even Alice's rants
were preferable to outright violence. 

She looked round for the master librarian, as did Cindy C.... but
there really was no way round it: Alice had, quick as a flick,
disappeared in a puff of green smoke.

Elkins, halfway up the garden path, nearing the Library, had no idea
what was awaiting her in the dimlit room. 

***

I actually possess a copy of the above mentioned book. It's a riot.
And indeed a classic. :)))

Love, Alice




"Cindy C." <cindysphynx at c...> wrote:

> Cindy staggered around the local public library, clutching the 
> shards of what was once a wooden baseball bat.  Somewhere 
> *SOMEWHERE* around here must be the library copy of OoP.  The book 
> is *huge.*  It shouldn't be that hard to spot, Cindy thought, yet 
> she had been searching for a very long time.  How long, she didn't 
> know.  This was a dream, and clocks never work properly in dreams. 
> 
> Suddenly, she smacked her knee into an enormous desk that seemed to 
> have appeared out of thin air.  A golden nameplate fell to the 
> ground:  "A Goldfeesh," it read.
> 
> "May I help you?" said a peeved voice.  A Goldfeesh peered over the 
> top of her cat's eye spectacles, regarding Cindy with disdain.
> 
> "Yes, er . . . " Cindy mumbled, massaging her throbbing joint.  "I 
> put a copy of OoP on hold.  I've come to pick it up."
> 
> "When was this?"
> 
> "Uh . . . July 8, 2000."  Cindy held out a crumpled ticket with non-
> descript brown stains on both sides.
> 
> A Goldfeesh rifled through the reserved books section behind her 
> desk.  "Sorry, I don't see a reserved copy here for you.  Are you 
> sure it was this library?  And this branch?"
> 
> "*Of course* I'm sure!"  Cindy snapped.  "I demand to speak to the 
> head librarian this instant!"  She brandished the splintered bat 
> menacingly, and A Goldfeesh flinched as she scurried into the back 
> room.  "I'll get her immediately," A Goldfeesh called out.  "She 
> stays right here in back."
> 
> The library was quiet, even for a library.  Dozens of patrons 
> hunched over *their* very own copies of OoP, curling one arm 
> protectively around them to guard them from Cindy's envious gaze.
> 
> "What seems to be the problem?"  The prim head librarian ambled up 
> to the front desk lazily.  Cindy squinted at her name 
> badge:  "Alice, Master Librarian."
> 
> Oh, this is too weird, Cindy thought.  I thought Alice Didn't Live 
> Here Anymore.  She cleared her throat.  "I want my reserved copy of 
> OoP *right now!*  Or else!"
> 
> "Look.  We only have one last reserved copy that hasn't been picked 
> up yet.  There's nothing I can do."  
> 
> "Who reserved that last copy?" Cindy asked quietly, now concealing 
> the bat behind her back and leaning casually over the counter.
> 
> "Someone by the name of 'The Elkins."'
> 
> "Oh, *perfect!*" Cindy cried.  "I know 'The Elkins!'  She hasn't 
> been around these parts in a while though.  Tell you what.  You just 
> give me that copy of OoP, and I'll make sure it makes its way into 
> the hands of its, uh, rightful owner.  Don't worry, you can count on 
> me!"  She forced her lips into a tight smile and struggled to look 
> Alice in the eye.
> 
> Alice hesitated a moment, then handed the mighty book to 
> Cindy.  "Well, OK.  Since you gave me your word and all."
> 
> Cindy clutched the priceless tome to her breast.  "Hey, thanks a 
> lot!"  She turned toward the exit, then whirled back 
> around.  "Listen, if someone claiming to be Elkins comes
> by, especially if there are two or three of them, tell them to get 
> lost, will you?"
> 
> Alice gaped at her, her mouth ajar.
> 
> "Hey, you know what?" Cindy said brightly.  "When you do that, you 
> look just like 'A Goldfeesh.'  Get it?  Goldfish?  Goldfeesh?"  She 
> cackled wildly at her own cleverness.
> 
> The library became even more hushed.
> 
> "I beg your pardon?" Alice said politely.
> 
> "Oh, never mind."  
> 
> ***************
> 
> Cindy