Fw: Something from my sis...

[Iggy McSnurd]

Hi all...

Iggy here with another funny, from my sister this time.

For those who might not know, Andy Roony is a commentator on the TV show,
"60 Minutes" and gives his views on current events, often with a touch of
humor.

Iggy McSnurd


>
> 1. Andy Rooney on Monica (Lewinski).
> Can you believe it?  Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
> yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
> knees.
>
> 2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
> Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
>
> 3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
> Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
> prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
> into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the
windows.
> I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think
they
> should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
> electricity.  And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
> that's hooked up to the generator.
>
> 4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
> My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I
> noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
> "Married!"  and walking away.  Fabric softeners are how our wives mark
their
> territory.  We can take off the ring.  But, it's hard to get that April
> Fresh scent out of your clothes.
>
> 5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
> Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in the
> morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you. And the
women
> are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
> because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
>
> 6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
> You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
> you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know,"  It costs
> 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me
the
> phone.  (Says into the phone)   "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
> "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about."
> This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in
the
> mood."
>
> 7. Andy Rooney on cripes
> My wife's from the Midwest.  Very nice people there.  Very wholesome. They
> use words like 'Cripes'  'For Cripes sake,'  Who would that be; Jesus
> Cripes?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making
fun
> of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
> 8. Andy Rooney on Grandma
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
> Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out
> entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she
> gave you for your birthday.
>