Sibling rivalry (watch out, very LONG!)

[Jennifer Piersol]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at yahoogroups.com, Anna wrote:
> HELP!!!!

<snip>

> As an only child, I know not of fighting amongst my blood 
> relatives.  And I don't know what to do.  My DH, who has two 
> sisters, just laughs at me.

<snip again>

Ugh, don't you hate that smug look on people's face when they think
they know more than you do?  I get it a lot (and I get really annoyed)
when people tell me that I've got it easy, and just to wait until my
two are teenagers.

Whatever. ;)

Anyway, take this how you will - my two are 3 1/2 years apart and not
really fighting yet, so I can't speak from the parent's point of view.
 However, my sister and I fought constantly (and we got violent, too).
 I think it was made a little worse because we only had my dad around
to give us attention (my mother died when I was 8 and she was almost
6).

I'm the oldest, and I always resented my dad giving something to Janet
when I got it.  That meant that if I got to stay up until 9 when I was
13, and then my dad went around and let my little sister (who was 7)
stay up that late, too, I had to wait 2 more years to do something
than she did.  Sure, it seems trite, and I'm sure my dad thought he
was just saving himself some whining and sanity (if I hadn't been so
resentful, I might do the same thing myself with my kids now), but it
was NOT fair.  Being oldest SUCKS!

Then again, being the youngest SUCKS, too!  My sister was always
compared with me at school, and as I had great grades and did really
well, she hated the fact that she was expected to do exactly the same.
 It was probably reinforced at home, though I don't personally
remember any examples of my dad saying anything like, "Why aren't your
grades as good as Jennifer's?"  In the rare instances that I got to do
something because I was older (like drive myself to the drive-in with
my friends), it wasn't FAIR, just because I had the luck to be born
first.  And I admit it, I was horrible to her.  I had 2 extra years of
vocabulary and "technique" behind my torture by the time I got old
enough to switch to emotional (rather than physical) abuse... I was
really mean.

I wish I could say that it'll get better at a certain age - but it
didn't stop until I went to college.  And now that we're adults, we
still don't like each other much.  She thinks I'm naive and sort of a
bumpkin for getting married at almost-22 and having my first baby at
almost-24.  I think she's relationship-impaired and emotionally
unavailable.

There are things that might have made it better, though.  I totally
agree with a previous poster in that having my dad do things with us
separately instead of just making us spend our time with each other
would have been helpful.  We might not have resorted to abuse to
attract our dad's attention.  Let's face it, any attention is better
than none. ;)  Since I was the oldest, it would have been nice if I
could have had some extra "perks" along with my extra
responsibilities.  I mean, as a parent, I realize that it's a lot
easier to deal with your second (and third, I would assume) children
and their milestones.  I obsessed over everything my first one did. 
You know, cleaning her pacifier everytime it dropped and such.  The
second one gets away with murder already, even though I'm trying
*really* hard to make it fair.  I'll probably eat my words when my
kids really start getting into it in oh... 5 years. ;)

And I hate to say it, but kids are just going to fight, and you're
probably just not going to understand that.  Since you were an only,
you never had to fight for attention, and you probably remember
*yearning* for someone to play with and talk to.  But siblings hardly
ever turn out to be your best friend.  You're *forced* to live with
them, you don't get to choose them like you do your friends.  So until
they all move away from each other and can *choose* to hang around
each other, they're probably just going to fight about things.  I
mean, there have to be some people you just can't *stand*, right?  But
you probably don't have to eat dinner with them every night and share
a bathroom with them and share the television every night.

Unless you can't stand being around your kids... and frankly, I
wouldn't blame you right now.  ;)

This is probably all just depressing you, so I'll stop now. ;)

-Jen, overly fond of asterisks, apparently.