Sibling rivalry

[Tammy Rizzo]

Anna wrote:
> As an only child, I know not of fighting amongst my blood 
> relatives.  And I don't know what to do.  My DH, who has two 
> sisters, just laughs at me.

As the oldest of four kids, both clustered AND spread out (I'm 38, my brother just turned 37, 
my sister will turn 36 just before Christmas, and my other sister just turned 31), I can assure 
you that not ALL sibling sets have all-out wars during their growing years.  The four of us, while 
not always buddy-buddy, were usually at least on civil terms with eachother.  When I was 
younger, I was closest to my brother, but as he grew older and started liking loud noises and 
banging things into other things, I switched my favor to my middle sister (my youngest sister 
was still too young to be very interesting).  Before too long, though, it was clear to everyone in 
the family that my middle sister was NOT good at sharing a bedroom, so I was 'forced' to room 
with my youngest sister, who has been my best friend for decades now.

I remember one absolute knock-down, drag out, barroom brawl we had as children -- the worst 
fight we'd ever had.  I was 14 or 15 at that time, and so there was certainly the potential for 
quite a bit of damage.  I don't remember what it was about, just that we were going at 
eachother in the worst way, all four of us, such that I was worried about Mom and Dad having 
to call for an ambulance or the police or something.  At the height of the battle, some 
houseguests passed by the door of my bedroom, where we were having our huge fight.  Of 
course, we hardly noticed at the time, but they brought it up at dinner that evening.  One said 
that he had never known a family of siblings to sit quietly together and calmly discuss their 
differences as we had been doing that afternoon, and he was extremely impressed by our 
decorum and good behavior.  We kids were completely shocked!  Our worst behavior ever, our 
harshest fight, our most SHAMEFUL breach of all that our parents had taught us, and two 
outsiders were actually impressed by how quiet and peaceful we were being.  It brought home 
to me the thought that each family is different, and how you are raised paints your perspective 
on everything for the rest of your life.  It also showed me that we quite obviously had it very 
good, since other families apparently got along much worse than we did.

Our parents did try very hard to make a point of spending one-on-one time with each of us on a 
regular basis, and also to keep age-related 'perks' age-related, rather than letting them slide 
into the realm of 'general' allowed behavior for the whole family.  Our allowances (when we had 
them) were scaled by our age as well as our behavior and chores.  Our parents tried their very 
best to be as fair and impartial as they could be, but they also let each one of us know how we 
each were special to them in specific ways.  As the oldest, I held a special place the others 
could never share.  As the only boy, my brother held a special place we girls could never 
know.  As the youngest, my little sister held a special place the rest of us could never have.  
As the middle girl, my other sister got a lot of attention and praise, so that she would know 
she was appreciated for herself, and that her place in the family was sure and secure, and that 
she would never be 'just the middle child' -- a special place that the rest of us couldn't ever 
know.  I think that went a HUGE way towards minimizing any sibling rivalry that might have 
caused problems otherwise.

I don't know if this helps you in your situation or not, but it MIGHT help.



***
Tammy
tammy at mauswerks.net