What's Love Got To Do With It?

[eloiseherisson at aol.com]

Cindy:

>Anyway, this latest anniversary got me thinking about two things. 
>First, I started to wonder if I have the longest marriage of anyone on
>OTC (of those who are willing to admit to being married, anyway). <g>
>Surely I ought to be in contention for the title, don't you think? I
>mean, 13 years sure *feels* like a really long time. (And to be
>inclusive, let's consider "marriage" to include same-sex unions.) 

Well, I've been beaten by Tammy, in two senses, in that I was interrupted in 
the compostition of my original reply by dh's arrival (and son subsequently 
deleting it accidentally by switching screen names - I couldn't save it quickly 
as I couldn't remember where I had the OTC address stored in my address book) 
and in that she's just trumped the 18 years we celebrated on the 21st.

Well, we *would* have celebrated it if I hadn't been going to Italy without 
him. But it was OK: I bought my own present (a pair of lovely silver bracelets 
of which he thoroughly approves) and we've been making up for, err, lost time 
since my return.

>Second, I started to wonder if there is any common characteristic
>among those who are married for a long time. I know my own views of
>what makes a good partner have changed dramatically since I was a
>blushing bride. But I'm wondering what everyone else thinks about
>that -- what does love have to do with it? And what else is involved?

Persistence? Forbearance?...;-)

Seriously, I don't think a good or long-lasting marriage *does* need love of 
the dramatic kind (note the qualification). And despite my winking emoticon 
above, I seriously do think that persistence in the face of difficulties and 
forbearance of one's partner's more irritating traits are significant. It needs 
commitment, a belief in the relationship, awareness of how much one's partner 
is commited and gives.

I know that *I've* been difficult. I know that my husband often finds me 
difficult. I know that in many ways I'm not his ideal. And I guess that's the 
biggest reason I love him. The fact that this other person loves me, has decided 
to share his life and his income (I won't say possessions, because most of the 
posessions around here are mine or the children's and he could manage very 
well without them!) with me, no matter how stressy I get, the fact that no matter 
how much I may grouch that he doesn't understand me (well, he *is* a man) he 
is ultimately there for me, the fact that he misses me so much when he's away 
on business as he frequently is (maybe that's one of the secrets!), the fact 
that he has given me children, the fact that at the grand old age of.....well, 
never you mind.....he still finds me, err, desirable....

I have to tell you that we, or at least I, have gone through bad patches. 
There was a point, quite a long point, when I longed to walk out. But I didn't. 
And I'm glad I didn't. I can't claim that I work at this relationship as much 
as I should, but I am profoundly grateful for it. I cannot believe that this 
man has remained committed to me for so long. It's a small miracle and out of 
that, love grows, a love perhaps more meaningful than the fireworks of "being in 
love". It is sometimes a case of *deciding* to be committed to a 
relationship; there has to be something there when the feel-good factor fails.


>Cindy -- who doesn't wear her engagement or wedding rings anymore
>because they annoy her, and they are too small now anyway

Well, I have always taken mine off at night. I bought a new wedding ring a 
year or so ago, having grown out of my old one (which I never liked, so it was a 
good excuse) but having lost weight, I guess it would probably fit now. I 
wear my engagement ring on the wrong hand as I have another ring (a birthday 
present) which goes better with my wedding ring. But I wouldn't not wear them. 
That's part of our relationship, too (even though my husband never wanted to wear 
a wedding ring): it would seem like I was rejecting him or denying our 
relationship if I didn't wear them.    At one point, I wasn't wearing my engagement 
ring and he definitely noticed. It mattered, even though the ring I wore on my 
engagement finger was also from him.

I'm also superstitious about them. It's my only superstition, but I was once 
burgled on the only day that I had worn my rings to work (I was in health 
care, so I didn't normally wear rings with stones to work). So the only reason I 
still have my engagement ring and my grandmother's engagement ring is that by a 
fluke I wore them to work instead of leaving them at home. Ironically, I no 
longer wear my grandmother's ring (it's too fragile, apart from anything else), 
but I always fear that if I leave my others at home, I will lose them.

~Eloise
Off to appreciate her husband some more ;-)


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