POLITICALLY CORRECT HARRY POTTER - CLEARER POST

[samnanya]

NOTE  - I got the idea for writing this little satire
when I began questioning  why on earth I was getting
all lathered up about other people's (and my own)
opinions and posts on the HPFGU site and about the
Harry Potter series in general. 

Comments are appreciated. Enjoy!. 



       THE  POLITICALLY CORRECT HARRY POTTER

           YEAR ONE -  THE THINGY STONE

Chapter One - The Boy Who Lived
=======================================================
In which, after dropping Harry Potter at 4 Privet Drive,
Rubeus Hagrid is arrested and sent to Azkaban for not
wearing his crash helmet while illegally flying over
Privett Drive on a motorcycle allegedly registered to 
convicted felon Sirius Black.

"Don't blame me!" yelled Mr. Hagrid, ripping a tire off
a police cruiser, "Finding a size 24 motorcycle helmet
is tough enough this time of night, and I was on an
urgent and secret mission on behalf of Albus Dumbledore, 
deliverin' a baby to Priv....oops, shouldn't have told
ya that!".

Mr. Hagrid was later released on his own recognizance 
on a technicality after the arresting officer's 
defective alcohol detector could not demonstrate
that Mr. Hagrid had consumed the required three 
quart minimum needed to prove that the half giant
was indeed intoxicated.

Later in the chapter, the Dursleys have Harry's scar
illegally removed by out-patient cosmetic surgery and
the application of copious amounts of botox.


Chapter Two - The Boy Who Can't Be Found
====================================================
In which, after years of abuse and neglect by the
Dursleys, Harry Potter was removed from their care
by Child Welfare and placed at the residence of
Frank Bryce where he mysteriously disappeared
shortly thereafter.

"I have no idea whatsoever what happened to the
boy!" hissed the small squat man when contacted
by a representative from Child Welfare.
"Lassst I sssaw of him he was being fed to ....
I mean feeding our pet ssnake, Nagini." 

In an angry interview, Albus Dumbledore raged
that "Some idiot at Child Welfare removed young
Potter from a home where he was under a charm
to protect him against the Death Eaters and 
sent him to a  place where he likely was
eaten by one."

Child Welfare declined to comment.


Chapter Three - The Letters To No One
================================================
Deleted and later renumbered since Harry has
not yet been found.
See attached picture of young Potter on
Milk Carton.


Chapter Four - The New Keeper of the Wands
=================================================
In which Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary
to the Minister of the Ministry of Magic, helps
sign into law two special pieces of legislation,
one for the production of environmentally approved
safety wands, and the other for the protection
of young wizards and muggles. 

According to the first law, all wands must be
manufactured in such a  way that no dragons,
unicorns, or phoenixes would be harmed during
the making of said wands. In addition, a special
license from the MoM would be required before
production of wands made from unicorn tails would
be approved.
The measure passed by a narrow margin, with angry
and vocal dissention."What purpose is a wand if it
cannot be used?" raged Albus Dumbledore. 

The second law required that all Hogwarts students
would only be authorized to wave a non-functional
wand. Wands that  turn into chickens when waved,
though frowned upon, would  be acceptable pending
the development of a more aesthetically pleasing
model. Students caught using a non-approved wand
would be subject to immediate expulsion.
In addition, all students would be rigorously
tested on the ethics and morals of proper wand
use, including specific directives against the
improper insertion of wands into body orifices
of any and all living creatures (including but
not limited to troll nostrils)


Chapter Five - Diagon Alley
===================================================
In which students and parents who arrived at Diagon
Alley found that most of the stores had been closed
or were out of business due to the onerous 
legislative environment or events beyond anyone's
control.

Gringotts Bank was shuttered after  the books were
found to be cooked (literally) by some rogue goblins.
All safe deposit boxes were sealed and Hagrid could
not retrieve the sorcerers stone hidden in Vault 713
(oops, shouldn't have told ya that!).

Mr. Ollivander was taken into custody and his wand
shop shuttered by the MoM after dozens of illegal
wands made from the tails of  unicorns and dodos
were found hidden under illegally deforested
mahogany chips.

Hogwarts students aimlessly wandered about Diagon
Alley as they tried in vain to obtain the newly
required license needed to purchase owls, but
no one in  the MoM really gave a hoot. In effect,
all students were forced to send all mail via the
post office, which resulted in the cessation of
all effective mail delivery to and from Hogwarts
for the year. Attempts to send letters to Hogwarts
via owls covered with sticky postage stamps proved
futile. Wildlife rescue needed to be called to free
and clean the many gummy and postage cancelled owls
that littered the countryside.
A special investigation is pending.

Rats, er.... vermin, were clearly not  permitted as
(gasp!) pets by the  MoM since "the MoM can not be
responsible for tracing where they have been". 
In a last attempt at sanity, and at great personal
peril, an anonymous wizard sent Hedwig to search
for Harry Potter, though the poor thing didn't have
a clue who Harry Potter was or what to look for.


Chapter Six - Journey to Hogwarts
=====================================================
In which we met Neville Longbottom, the Weasleys,
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger as well as several
other inconsequential students. The trip on the
Hogwarts Express was uneventful and dreadfully
boring as no one aboard was famous or worthy of
going on about.
(editor's note: The only objection we found in this
chapter is an uncompensated product placement - a
reference to "mars bars"- which was of course
erased since no wizard knew what on earth a mars
bar was, and Miss Granger, the only identifiable
muggle on board, was not helpful, which was
understandable considering that her parents
were both dentists.


Chapter Seven - The Sorting Hat
====================================================
In which the Sorting Hat was declared a bio-hazard
having been on who knows how many filthy first year
heads during  the thousand years of Hogwart's
existence. The hat was about to be tossed into the
rubbish when someone got the bright idea to auction
it off on EBay where it was sold to some poor
unsuspecting muggle for fifteen pounds.

The students were sorted into their houses using a
politically correct procedure that assured that all
students would be allocated fairly and impartially
to a house. Draco Malfoy was assigned to Gryffindor
and Susan Bones to Slytherin, where she was
promptly turned into a bullfrog by Flint.

Hermione Granger was assigned to Hufflepuff. She 
was later observed chewing gum and drawing stars
and squiggles all over her textbooks while
daydreaming in class about shopping trips to
Tahrjay or Bloomies.

"Like, I mean, Hogsmeade is sooooo uncool," she
simpered to her gang of rogue Hufflepuff girls, 
while dragging  on her cigarette then rubbing it
out on the butt of a stone gargoyle, who shrieked 
indignantly.


Chapter Eight - The Potions Master
==================================================
In which it was learned that Professor Severus
Snape was recently removed as potions master from 
Hogwarts after several complaints from students,
particularly Neville Longbottom, an emotionally
challenged boy. 

"H-he was never ever nice to me and almost boiled
Trevor, my toad, who besides being my pet,is also on
the endangered amphibians list," Master Longbottom
complained bitterly. "Snape always made fun of me in
class. My parents would sue but their guardians are
still in litigation with Gringotts Mutual for
denying their disability claim, and one law suit at
a time is enough to be going on with."

The final straw for Snape came when the amphibian
that was actually tossed into the blibbering potion
in Trevor's stead was later proven to be Susan
Bones, who had been missing for several days.
Professor Snape escaped, presumably to avoid the
Dark Lord, but actually to avoid questioning by
authorities regarding Miss Bones' disappearance. 

After a lengthly but futile search over several
months covering several states, authorities
received an anonymous tip from a parsel-mouth
that former Professor Snape could be found in 
Pensacola, Florida working as the night manager
of a Jamba Juice franchise.


Chapter Nine - The Midnight Time-Out Session
-------------===================================
What? WHAT!! You really thought there would be
a duel at Hogwarts???? 
Puh leeeeez! To avoid resorting to such
barbarism, the students sat around a healing
circle to iron out their differences. Though
this is the longest and most tedious chapter
in the book , the reader will be pleased to
know that all differences were resolved in a
politically correct manner and of course no
student was brained or hexed in this chapter.

The highlight of the "duel" was when Draconius
Malfoy and Neville Longbottom rose as one and
hugged in the center of the room to the polite
applause of all.

"I am pleased to act in so forthright a manner
with my new found friend Nev. This is SO much
more civilized than wand waving. or bat hexing."
"Yes, Mal," grinned Mr. Longbottom. "Though
Drac's dad was a death eater, oops ... I mean
Post Life Masticator, and my parents are
resently merely cabbages due to his actions,
I am sure that it is now the proper time to
let bygones be bygones so that we all enjoy our
newfound companionship."

Hermione Granger was particularly pleased with
this new turn of events. 
"Dey done lotsa good stuff to get deir differences
resolved," she said between cracking gum. "and
dis meeting is a great excuse not to studey
dose dum wizzaard books or go to those dreeeery
classes anyhoo. I mean like, who NEEDS magic?
I'll use my charms and good looks to get by....".


Chapter Ten - Halloween
===================================================
Professor Flitwick resigned in protest after
attempting to teach his class using the new MoM
wand safety requirements. "I mean who ever heard 
of such a thing !" he squeaked. "Swish and cluck!
Swish and cluck! There were chickens all over the
place! Maybe the Ministry thinks that having all
these chickens  flapping around Hogwarts is a GOOD
thing - but I have had enough! What good are
fluffy souffles  and omelets against the Dark Lord!
.. oops I mean the Tragically Misunderstood Wizard
With A Challenged Childhood ?"

Meanwhile, Hermione Grainger was absent from the
Halloween feast because she lost track of time
(how ironic!) and dallied too long in the girl's
bathroom putting on her makeup.

Unfortunately, all that was found of Miss Granger
later that evening was a greasy smudge on one of
the sinks after the mountain troll rampaging
through Hogwarts cornered her in the girl's
bathroom. With no Harry Potter to save her, and
with Ron Weasley assigned to Ravenclaw where he was
studying library science and elf-folk dancing,
no one noticed that she was missing. After roping
off the crime scene, authorities were puzzled by
a lone chicken flapping around the girls bathroom,
though some suspect that it may have been conjured
by Miss Granger's wand in it's feeble attempt to
save her.

Meanwhile, on Privet Drive in Surrey, a muggle
child went berserk, stabbing 15 people. When
finally subdued, the rather porky child (oops ...
gravitationally challenged child) was found
clutching a mysterious sword that had belonged
to one "Godric Griffindor".

"Little Dudders was at this party sticking his
wand up someone's butt  wearing this silly hat
I got on EBay when this shiny sword fell out
of it and bonked him on his head!" the muggle
mum sobbed, "my poor little tyke just went
wiggy and started slashing and stabbing people!
It wasn't his fault! He's a good boy! There
should have been a warning labels on that sword!"

Manwhile, little porky (oh my!  I meant to say
spherically enhanced )  Dudders sat in a corner
drooling "Now  I'M the hair of Slytherin!
Now I'M the hair of Slytherin!"
Both mother and child were taken to the local
precinct for questioning.


Chapter Eleven - Quidditch
================================================== 
In which the exciting though recklessly dangerous
"broom Quidditch" had of course been banned and
replaced by a safer more acceptable  hobby-horse
Quidditch. Special stands were erected for all the
doctors and ambulance chasing lawyers anticipating
an accident. The match was delayed for two months
to allow for construction of  wheelchair access
needed to obtain OSHA approval of the plans.

To pay for the special construction required, two
more circles were added  to the three way above
ground level, resulting in a more environmentally
sound and aesthetically pleasing design. In a 
clever marketing move, the Ministry announced that
the first Quidditch Match was  to be sponsored by
Audi Motors.

But of course, there was much  work yet to be done!
To prevent injury, the use or even the possession
of blodgers was banned, and the actual Quaffle was
required to be made from soft rubber from specially
grown non-endangered rubber trees.

After considerable objections by the Safety in 
Athletics Committee, chaired by pacifist Ravenclaw
student activists Crabbe and Doyle, the beaters
were eliminated from the team, but after rabid
complaints from the Quidditch Players Union, who
threatened to strike if any players were eliminated,  
cooler heads prevailed and the two beaters on each
team were retained as health inspectors, who could
stop a match for any reason if any player, fan,
or creature was deemed endangered. The beaters'
titles were changed to the more proper "enablers"
to better explain their new more humane roles.

The day of the game began with a special ceremonial
reading of the rules, with sufficient time allotted
to ascertain that everyone was  familiarized with
them, that lasted four hours. To leave no doubt as
to the interpretation of the rules, they were
printed  in English, Gaelic, House-Elfish, Braille,
High-Colonic and Troll.

Both teams met in the center of the field to review
the rules yet again, although said rules were also
printed on the Quaffle in indelible ink along with
instructions as to the proper care cleaning and
handling of said quaffle. The game was delayed 
just a tad longer  so that the proper forms and
waivers of liability could be signed in triplicate
and notarized,  and that all sponsors products be
properly endorsed and displayed.

At last the game began in earnest just before sunset,
and continued  well into the night, though few
students had consumed the needed amount of coffee,
no-doz or methamphetamines needed to endure the ennui.
In addition, no one could see what the hell was 
happening on the field since after all the OSHA
requirements were met, there was not enough galleons
left in the Hogwarts Treasury for stadium lights.

Though the actual cheering for an individual team
was banned, the fans were encouraged to engage in
refrains of Kumbaya and Michael Row Your Boat Ashore,
which served to anesthetize the barely conscious crowd.

When things seemed particularly futile, and it became
evident that someone might actually have to WIN this
thing,  Neville Longbottom obligingly fell off his
hobby horse after he was grazed by a whiffle-snitch
and was promptly surrounded by suits.
The game was then suspended indefinitely while all
involved haggled over the fine points of the rules.
Specially trained paramedics were called to counsel
the team that was losing (oops...temporarily
computationally deficient though well within the
schema of recovery)
Classes were cancelled for the next two days so that
everyone could have a well deserved rest or to goof
off in general. The spirit of Hermione Grainger
miraculously appeared to celebrate the occasion.


Chapter Twelve - The Boys Who Made Out Like Bandits
==================================================== 
In which Hogwarts is finally closed, not because of
the evil deeds of Lord Thingy (the Tragically
Misunderstood Wizard With A Challenged Childhood,
to you), but by  numerous victorious class action
lawsuits brought by Neville  Longbottom and other
interested parties. As part of the settlement,
the Hogwarts School was later sold to Universal
Studios, to  be reopened in the near future as a
theme park.

In a miraculous turn of events, THE Harry Potter
was later found wandering aimlessly banging into
walls at King's Cross  Station and talking to a
fluffy white owl. When questioned, Mr. Potter 
muttered of a "Dark Lord" who had held him
prisoner in a big house and fed him lucky charms
(the poor deluded boy said memory charms, but what
did he know?).  He was helpless and unable to
properly care for himself until such time as he
learned his full legal rights. 

Mr. Potter kept on muttering that we was famous,
and was long overdue at Hogwarts, but after
walking repeatedly into a wall between platforms
9 and 10, was taken to St. Mungo's for observation.

In a later development, Neville Longbottom and 
his best friend and brilliant tral lawyer Draconius
Malfoy were seen eating chicken marsala (range free
chicken of course) at Spago's where both parties
refused all attempts to interview them.

-end of the story, or is it just the beginning ???---

Epilogue
==================================================== 
A few months later, long after the Thingy story
that everyone was so sure would be a sure fire
marketing success  (that is,  until it was edited
and politically corrected to death) was long
forgotten languishing as number 40008 on the
Amazon Best Seller List,  remaindered on a hidden
back shelf at Barnes and Noble, and left for
compost in the gardening department of K-Mart
next to the Martha  Stewart artifacts
and memorabilia, and within 25 words of ending
this incredibly long run on sentence, and while
running some errands one Sunday afternoon, I
accidentally discovered a bitter though unbowed
Albus  Dumbledore cleverly disguised as
a Wal Mart greeter.

I regained my composure in the presence of such
a great wizard, and after sensing my respect and
admiration for what he was and could have been, he 
begrudgingly agreed to chat, though he was not a
happy camper by any means.

"I was such a talented wizard and Hogwarts was
such a great school" he complained, "and NOW look
at the lot of us! Pathetic, I say!"

His long robes were replaced by the uninspiring 
Wal Mart Uniform and he was minus his beard due
to the strict personnel dress code. Though ol' 
Albus held up pretty well through many hundreds of
years of wizard wars and adventures, he sadly had
aged considerably since he left Hogwarts in 
disgrace. Standing by the shopping carts in
Wal-Mart, he just looked  very ........... old.

"Even Trelawney couldn't predict that it would all
end like this!" said Albus, shaking his head sadly
while directing some jerk loudly yammering on his 
cel-phone down the Halloween Candy aisle where he
was promptly bitten by Professor Lupin, nattily
dressed in what appeared to be  a werewolf costume.

"Hundreds of years of education and for what?" he
raged, sending two insufferably whiny little brats
down to the gardening section, where Professor
Sprout lassoed them with devils snare, ignoring
their pitiful cries which grew fainter by the
minute. She turned to Dumbledore and flashed him
the "thumbs up".

"Lucky to get this job!" he smiled wistfully.
"Even after I turned the manager into a  baboon's
backside they didn't relent until I threatened
them with an Age Discrimination suit! Hot Damn!"
he cackled, "Now THAT got their attention! I 
thought I had power at Hogwarts! HA!!!" his voice
boomed across the store, and there was a gleam
of triumph in his eyes. He smiled as if nothing
had changed.

"Maybe I will write my memoirs one day," he mused,
pointing out the location of the pets department
to a studio apartment dweller, the type who lets
their dogs poop in children's  sandboxes while
loudly yammering about animal rights. He watched
carefully  as the man smugly turned the corner,
at which time Aragog silently  dropped from the
ceiling  onto the man's  back. After a short
struggle and a few strangled choked-off screams,
the man lay twitching,  Aragog clicking his
mandibles in triumph.

Hagrid peered around the corner and waved his
thanks to Dumbledore for providing such a varied
and nutritious diet for his old friend and pet.
"Least I can do, Old Chum!" shouted Dumbledore
down the aisle.
Fang trotted over, lifted his leg, and peed on
the man's motionless body.

"Great man, Dumbledore! Great man!" smiled
Hagrid. Few knew that Dumbledore, at great risk
and peril, let Hagrid hide Aragog and his
immediate family in the ductwork above the pet
department after the Forbidden Forest was
razed and converted to time shares. 

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. I could see that
though bitter, he still was able to find joy in
the simple pleasures of life..

"One thing you can be sure of though," he said,
waving a finger at me. "I won't end up all
broke and depressed like that poor Rowlings
woman, listening to the opinions of all those
Politically Correct  Silly People when I write
MY book!!"

"What do you mean, sir?" I said. "What people?"
"All those silly critics! " he muttered, starting
to become bitter again. "All those who dismiss
JKR as a "children's book writer"!" He wrinkled
his long nose, and I almost expected flames to
fly out.

"All those who say she can't hardly write at all!
They can't even hold her broomstick I say ....
ESPECIALLY  those silly posters on the internet
with their silly theories and silly ideas......
without a sense of humor or a  life...They
simply have to  get out more! Chat rooms.....
what sheer utter silliness"

I nervously turned my head, quickly locating the
nearest exit.  
"Shame was that she actually listened to them,
JKR did, .... and now look  " He stared at the
ground sadly. "Poor woman......"
The customer traffic into Wal Mart had temporarily
halted. Dumbledore looked at me clearly for the 
first time. and his eyes slowly squinted. 
Legilimens? I thought at first, but that was in
the book that was never written! 
He was now looking at me very carefully, trying
to read my thoughts. Lucky for me I don't have
very many.

"You haven't seen that ... that Samnanya nitwit
around ....  have you?" 
I avoided his eyes.  "W-who?"
"This poster who can be rude and opinionated...
no different than the rest of 'em and he thinks
he knows EVERYTHING and can figure it all out.." 
He smiled malevolently. "well ..... does he?"
I turned for the door. Without my having noticed 
it before, Professor Lupin had positioned himself
at the exit.... standing there smiling with a bag
of mars bars in his hands. I noticed that he had
big pointy teeth. 
I smiled stupidly and shrugged. Lupin shook the
bag and grinned.
"Still think I killed Sirius?" he said
conversationally,  ripping the bag of mars bars 
with several of his very sharp fingernails. 
"Uhhh..." I turned to Dumbledore, who was glancing
over my shoulder. 
"Looks like you will be someones just desert ..."
he smiled. "He can't WAIT to wolf you down,
so to speak....."
I heard the mars bar bag shredding behind me.
I wondered where Luna Lovegood was, but realized
sadly that she would never ever be written in this
version of the Potterverse, and she would never
get the chance to work with Harry against ......
Lupin tossed the confettied shreds of the bag
aside and advanced towards me. 
I thought of performing the immensely complex
Homorphus Charm on Lupin like Gilderoy Lockhart
did to the Wagga Wagga  werewolf but who the hell
was I kidding? I'm not even sure that that fool
could do it, like he did in the book.
Well, at least I stay up late at nights and
could howl with the best of them.
I awaited my fate. 
But then Lupin stopped.
"Aahhhh, but wait !" said Dumbledore. "Maybe you
are in luck, after all!"
He was rising on his toes and staring over my
shoulder.
"Minerva!" he shouted, waving both arms way over
his head. "Over here!"
I turned to see Professor McGonagall striding into
Wal-Mart. Somehow that just  didn't seem right ---
she was so Lord and Taylor, but I kept my big
mouth shut for a change.
"Albus!" she beamed. " I have found one! Hadn't
been mentioned until Book Three but clearly this
is a matter that I daresay just cannot wait!"
She held this little gold thingy between two
fingers. It was a time turner.
Dumbledore stared at me. "Any objections ?"
The time turner glinted in the flourescent lights.
" That's funny...." Dumbledore said, knowing that
there was nothing funny at all. 
"Seems to me that there were lots and LOTS of
readers who had problems with the time turner
concept when it was first introduced.  Especially
those self righteous web posters  - " he spat
the last words out like he just bit into a 
Bertie Botts camel vomit flavored jelly bean -
"on that silly website who screeched like
banshees when it was first used. Cheap trick!
They cried.
Bet none of THEM ever wrote a story before."
He took the time turner from McGonagall and held
it gently in his palm, checking to see that it
could still turn properly.
"We are going to go back and set Ms. Rowling's
book right.... aren't we?"
Lupin and Hagrid and Sprout and Fang and Aragog
and ..... the whole damned world - all seemed to
be closing in in around me...... 
"W-we?"
"Well, YOU think you are a writer ... yeah, WE....." 
I cringed.
"Hell," he sneered."You don't have a life anyway.."
"I do .. kind of.. I mean I have a family and ...."
"You should have thought of that before ......."
Dumbledore raised time turner, and with a swish and 
flick of his index finger, he conjured a thin
necklace that enveloped everyone in the circle,
including me.
Remus Lupin had his arm around my shoulder. His fur
itched.  Everyone was smiling, except for me. 
"Thank you, Minerva."
"My pleasure Albus. Though as you remember, the time
turner would not even have been here if not for ....
for ......Miss Granger."
Dumbledore nodded - I saw a tear trickle down his
face, but there was no beard for it to fall into,
so it dropped on the floor with a gentle plop. 
The small inert critter it happened to splash on,
stirred, rolled over, looked around,and darted out
the front door into the parking lot. I noticed that
it was missing a digit on its right front paw.
Could that be a clue? 
I shook my head until it cleared.

"The end, " said Dumbledore, looking around at us all,
of another silly story."
It was getting late, and there wasn't much to feast
on in Wal-Mart.
"Before we go, I must first acknowledge the demise of
a very fine person, who should be here, and most
assuredly will be after we set things right in the
Potterverse." 
He kicked me in the ankle. I stood up straight.
"I would like us all to raise our glasses to
Hermione Granger."
"But if I do that I cant see anything!" I protested.
"Shut up, you fool!" hissed McGonagall. "Where you are
going you won't NEED your stupid glasses!"
Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued,"Remember
Miss Granger" 
I raised my glasses. As expected, I couldn't see a
damned thing.
"Everybody ready? Time to set the record straight and
give Ms. Rowlings her just reward, I say!"
I was speechless --- I always wanted to be a writer - 
it was my dream --- and  yet.....
"Ready?" Dumbledore asked me.
I nodded.
He smiled and said, totally out of character,"Yeah..
right... YOU WISH!"
He spun the time turner and the world blurred even
more, and I nearly fainted.

When the air finally cleared, I was standing before
a huge display of Harry Potter fiction - the REAL
thing - just as JKR intended without any outside
interference Her own brave vision, without the silly
ideas and blibberings of others who thought that
THEY .... WE .... I .... knew everything .... when
in reality, we could not hold her broomstick.

I reached out and grabbed a copy, flipping through
the pages. It was all there exactly as it should be.
Every word. Every idea. I never felt better.

Suddenly I heard a commotion and looked up. A large
white owl darted overhead, swerved in front of me,
and dropped a red envelope onto the book I was 
holding. 
I stared at the letter for a second and realized
that it was one of those dreaded howlers that JKR
wrote about. I looked around. The store was full of
people, especially little kids, several who stared
at me, smirking and giggling, knowing what was
to come. 
I opened the envelope. I mean, what else COULD I
do if it was a howler?

"IF YOU'RE SO BLEEPIN' SMART,
WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' BOOK 
AND DON'T CRITICISE OR MOUTH OFF
WITH YOUR HIDDEN OPINIONS OR
PROBLEMS OR AGENDAS OR ATTITUDES
TO THOSE OF US WHO HAD THE COURAGE
AND TOOK THE RISKS AND MADE THE
SACRIFICES TO WRITE OUR OWN BOOKS
AND GET THEM PUBLISHED!!!"


The howler blew me the raspberry and burst into flames.
A little girl giggled and ran down the aisle to tell 
her mother who said that she didn't hear anything.
Really now.......

The owl sat atop the display, his leg stretched out
waiting for a tip. I gave him a knut and we both
went on our separate ways whistling. Well I did anyway.
Owls don't whistle. Gonna need an editor.......