FILK (sorta) RE: [HPFGU-OTChatter] Re: Incorrect Harry Potter Game? (LONG)
Iggy McSnurd
CoyotesChild at charter.net
Sat Jan 17 19:49:36 UTC 2004
> Iggy here:
>
> Because she's secretly trying to seduce him, and needs as much time as
> she can get alone with him.
>
>
> (Ok.. Now I need a steel wool pad for my brain to scour THAT image out
> of my mind...)
>
Iggy here:
*sigh* Now that I have that stuck in my head, I went out and found an
on-line copy of the screenplay for "the Graduate" by Buck Henry and
rewrote the famous scene as a warped extension to the answer I gave
above...
Forgive me... *chuckle*
Iggy McSnurd
The seduction scene from "the Graduate" by Buck Henry
(Twisted, warped, and revised by Iggy McSnurd.)
35 EXT. UMBRIDGE OFFICE - NIGHT
The carriage comes to a stop in the Hogwarts driveway. They sit
for a moment.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Thank you.
HARRY
Right.
She doesn't move. Harry gets out and goes around to her side
and opens the door.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Will you come in, please?
HARRY
What?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I want you to come in till I get
the lights on.
HARRY
What for?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Because I don't feel safe until
I get the lights on.
They move to the door. She takes out her key and opens
the door.
36 INT. UMBRIDGE HALL AND OFFICE - NIGHT
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Would you mind walking ahead of
me to the desk. I feel
funny about coming into a dark
office.
HARRY
But it's light in there now.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Please.
Harry turns and walks down the hall. They enter office.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What do you drink? Tea with Veritaserum?
HARRY
Look - I drove you home. I was
glad to do it. But I have some
things on my mind. Can you
understand that?
She nods.
HARRY
All right then.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What do you drink?
He looks at her.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Harry - I'm sorry to be this
way, but I don't want to be
alone in this office.
HARRY
Why not?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Please wait till Filch
gets here.
HARRY
When is he coming?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I don't know.
She pours herself a drink.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Drink?
HARRY
No.
She hands him a drink. There is a pause.
HARRY
Are you always this much afraid
of being alone?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Yes.
HARRY
Well, why can't you just lock
the doors and go to bed?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I'm very neurotic.
She turns on the phonograph. SOUND of PHONOGRAPH.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
May I ask you a question?
Harry looks at her.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What do you think of me?
HARRY
What do you mean?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
You've known me nearly all of
this term. You must have
formed some opinion.
HARRY
Well - I've always thought
that you were a very - nasty -
person.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Did you know I was an alcoholic?
HARRY
What?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Did you know that?
HARRY
Look - I think I should be
going -
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Sit down, Harry.
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge - if you don't
mind my saying so - this
conversation is getting a
little strange. Now I'm sure
that Mr. Filch will be here
any minute and -
MRS. UMBRIDGE
No.
HARRY
What?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Argus Filch will be here quite
late.
They look at each other. Harry is half standing.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
He should be gone for several
hours.
She takes a step toward him. He puts his hand up and
retreats around the other side of the chair.
HARRY
Oh my God.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Pardon?
HARRY
Oh no, Mrs. Umbridge, oh no.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What's wrong?
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge, you didn't -
I mean you didn't expect -
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What?
HARRY
I mean - you didn't really
think that I would do something
like that.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Like what?
HARRY
What do you think?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Well I don't know.
HARRY
For God's sake, Mrs. Umbridge,
here we are, you've got me into
your office. You give me a
drink. You put on music, now
you start opening up your
personal life to me and tell
me that Mr. Filch won't be here
for hours.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
So?
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge - you are trying
to seduce me.
There is a pause. She looks at him.
HARRY
(weaker)
Aren't you?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Why no. I hadn't thought of it.
I feel rather flattered that
you -
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge, will you forgive
me for what I just said?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
It's all right.
HARRY
It's not all right, it's the
worst thing I've ever said
to anyone.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Sit down.
HARRY
Please forgive me. Because I
like you. I don't think of you
that way. But I'm mixed up.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
All right. Now finish your drink.
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge, it makes me sick
that I said that to you.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
We'll forget it right now.
Finish your drink.
HARRY
What is wrong with me?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Have you ever seen Fudge's
portrait?
HARRY
His portrait?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Yes.
HARRY
No.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
We had it done last Christmas.
Would you like to see it?
HARRY
If you insist.
We move with Mrs. Umbridge and Harry out of the office,
into the hall, up the stairs and along the hall to
the doorway to her bedroom.
37 INT. UMBRIDGE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Harry moves into the room and looks up at the portrait.
HARRY
Fudge certainly is an
bureaucratic man, isn't he?
In the b.g. Mrs. Umbridge watches him.
HARRY
(looking at the
portrait)
I don't remember him as having
brown eyes.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Harry?
HARRY
Yes?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Will you unzip my dress?
He steps back.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I think I'll go to bed.
HARRY
Oh. Well, goodnight.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Won't you unzip my dress?
HARRY
I'd rather not, Mrs. Umbridge.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
If you still think I'm trying
to seduce you -
HARRY
No, I don't. But I just feel
a little funny.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Harry - you've known me all
This term.
HARRY
I know that. But I'm -
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Come on.
She turns her back.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
It's hard for me to reach.
Harry reaches forward and pulls the zipper down.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Thank you.
HARRY
Right.
Harry walks toward the door.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What are you so scared of?
HARRY
I'm not scared, Mrs. Umbridge.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Then why do you keep running
away?
HARRY
Because you're going to bed. I
don't think I should be up here.
Mrs. Umbridge lets her dress fall to the floor.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Haven't you ever seen anybody
in a slip before?
HARRY
Yes, Hermione, but -
He looks up at the portrait of Fudge.
HARRY
But I just - Look - what if
Mr. Filch walked in right now?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
What if he did?
HARRY
Well, it would look pretty
funny, wouldn't it?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Don't you think he trusts us
together?
HARRY
Of course he does. But he
might get the wrong idea.
Anyone might.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I don't see why. I'm eight times as
old as you are. How could
anyone think -
HARRY
But they would! Don't you see?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Harry - I'm not trying to
seduce you. I wish you'd -
HARRY
I know that. But please, Mrs.
Umbridge. This is difficult
for me.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Why is it?
HARRY
Because I am confused about
things. I can't tell what
I'm imagining. I can't tell
what's real. I can't -
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Would you like me to seduce you?
HARRY
What?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Is that what you're trying to
tell me?
HARRY
I'm back to my dorm now. I apologize
for what I said. I hope you can
forget it. But I'm going home
right now.
Harry walks out of the door and down the hall. The
CAMERA PUSHES with him to the door. We see the entire
stairway and part of the downstairs hall. Harry gets to
the stairs and starts down.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
HARRY?
HARRY
Yes.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
Will you bring up my purse before
you go?
HARRY
I have to go now. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Umbridge walks into the hall. Her back is to us.
She is holding her dress in front of her.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I really don't want to put this
on again. Won't you bring it
up?
HARRY
Where is it?
MRS. UMBRIDGE
On that chair in the hall.
She walks out of the shot.
HARRY
Mrs. Umbridge?
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
I'm in the bathroom.
HARRY
Well here's the purse.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
Could you bring it up?
HARRY
Well I'll hand it to you.
Harry starts back up the stairs.
HARRY
Come to the railing and I'll
hand it up.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
Harry - I am getting pretty
tired of all this suspicion.
Now if you won't do me a simple
favor I don't know what.
Harry appears as he slowly climbs the stairs.
HARRY
I'm putting it on the top step.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
For God's sake, Harry, will
you stop acting that way and
bring me the purse?
Harry gets to the top of the stairs, and starts slowly
down the hall.
HARRY
I'm putting it here by the door.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
Will you bring it in to me?
HARRY
I'd rather not.
MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
All right. Put it in the room
where we were.
HARRY
Right.
38 INT. UMBRIDGE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Harry walks quickly into Umbridge's room, crosses to the
bed and puts the purse down. As he starts to turn
back, he looks up at Fudge's portrait. There is a
movement reflected in the glass of the portrait. He
turns quickly. Mrs. Umbridge, naked, is shutting the
door to the bedroom behind her.
HARRY
Oh God.
She smiles.
HARRY
Let me out.
She turns the lock on the door.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Don't be nervous.
HARRY
Get away from that door.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
I want to say something first.
HARRY
Jesus Christ!
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Harry - I want you to know
I'm available to you. If you
won't sleep with me this time -
HARRY
Oh my God.
MRS. UMBRIDGE
If you won't sleep with me this
time, Harry, I want you to
know you can call me up any
time you want and we'll make
some kind of arrangement.
HARRY
Let me out!
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Do you understand what I said?
HARRY
Yes. Yes. Let me out!
MRS. UMBRIDGE
Because I find you very attractive
and any time -
There is the SOUND of a CARRIAGE in the driveway outside.
Harry leaps at the door, pushes Mrs. Umbridge aside,
struggles with the door, gets the door open, runs into
the hall and down the stairs.
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