FILK (sorta) RE: [HPFGU-OTChatter] Re: Incorrect Harry Potter Game? (LONG)

Iggy McSnurd CoyotesChild at charter.net
Sat Jan 17 19:49:36 UTC 2004


> Iggy here:
> 
> Because she's secretly trying to seduce him, and needs as much time as
> she can get alone with him.
> 
> 
> (Ok.. Now I need a steel wool pad for my brain to scour THAT image out
> of my mind...)
> 

Iggy here:

*sigh* Now that I have that stuck in my head, I went out and found an
on-line copy of the screenplay for "the Graduate" by Buck Henry and
rewrote the famous scene as a warped extension to the answer I gave
above...

Forgive me...  *chuckle*


Iggy McSnurd



The seduction scene from "the Graduate" by Buck Henry
(Twisted, warped, and revised by Iggy McSnurd.)


35	EXT. UMBRIDGE OFFICE - NIGHT

	The carriage comes to a stop in the Hogwarts driveway.  They sit
	for a moment.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Thank you.

				HARRY
		Right.

	She doesn't move.  Harry gets out and goes around to her side
	and opens the door.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Will you come in, please?

				HARRY
		What?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I want you to come in till I get
		the lights on.

				HARRY
		What for?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Because I don't feel safe until
		I get the lights on.

	They move to the door.  She takes out her key and opens
	the door.

36	INT. UMBRIDGE HALL AND OFFICE - NIGHT

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Would you mind walking ahead of
		me to the desk.  I feel
		funny about coming into a dark
		office.

				HARRY
		But it's light in there now.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Please.

	Harry turns and walks down the hall.  They enter office.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What do you drink?  Tea with Veritaserum?

				HARRY
		Look - I drove you home.  I was
		glad to do it.  But I have some
		things on my mind.  Can you
		understand that?

	She nods.

				HARRY
		All right then.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What do you drink?

	He looks at her.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Harry - I'm sorry to be this
		way, but I don't want to be
		alone in this office.

				HARRY
		Why not?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Please wait till Filch
		gets here.

				HARRY
		When is he coming?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I don't know.

	She pours herself a drink.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Drink?

				HARRY
		No.

	She hands him a drink.  There is a pause.

				HARRY
		Are you always this much afraid
		of being alone?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Yes.

				HARRY
		Well, why can't you just lock
		the doors and go to bed?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I'm very neurotic.

	She turns on the phonograph.  SOUND of PHONOGRAPH.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		May I ask you a question?

	Harry looks at her.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What do you think of me?

				HARRY
		What do you mean?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		You've known me nearly all of
		this term.  You must have
		formed some opinion.

				HARRY
		Well - I've always thought
		that you were a very - nasty -
		person.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Did you know I was an alcoholic?

				HARRY
		What?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Did you know that?

				HARRY
		Look - I think I should be
		going -

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Sit down, Harry.

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge - if you don't
		mind my saying so - this
		conversation is getting a
		little strange.  Now I'm sure
		that Mr. Filch will be here
		any minute and -

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		No.

				HARRY
		What?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Argus Filch will be here quite
		late.

	They look at each other.  Harry is half standing.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		He should be gone for several
		hours.

	She takes a step toward him.  He puts his hand up and
	retreats around the other side of the chair.

				HARRY
		Oh my God.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Pardon?

				HARRY
		Oh no, Mrs. Umbridge, oh no.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What's wrong?

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge, you didn't -
		I mean you didn't expect -

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What?

				HARRY
		I mean - you didn't really
		think that I would do something
		like that.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Like what?

				HARRY
		What do you think?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Well I don't know.

				HARRY
		For God's sake, Mrs. Umbridge,
		here we are, you've got me into
		your office.  You give me a
		drink.  You put on music, now
		you start opening up your
		personal life to me and tell
		me that Mr. Filch won't be here
		for hours.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		So?

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge - you are trying
		to seduce me.

	There is a pause.  She looks at him.

				HARRY
			(weaker)
		Aren't you?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Why no.  I hadn't thought of it.
		I feel rather flattered that
		you -

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge, will you forgive
		me for what I just said?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		It's all right.

				HARRY
		It's not all right, it's the
		worst thing I've ever said
		to anyone.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Sit down.

				HARRY
		Please forgive me.  Because I
		like you.  I don't think of you
		that way.  But I'm mixed up.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		All right.  Now finish your drink.

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge, it makes me sick
		that I said that to you.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		We'll forget it right now.
		Finish your drink.

				HARRY
		What is wrong with me?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Have you ever seen Fudge's
		portrait?

				HARRY
		His portrait?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Yes.

				HARRY
		No.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		We had it done last Christmas.
		Would you like to see it?

				HARRY
		If you insist.

	We move with Mrs. Umbridge and Harry out of the office,
	into the hall, up the stairs and along the hall to
	the doorway to her bedroom.

37	INT. UMBRIDGE'S ROOM - NIGHT

	Harry moves into the room and looks up at the portrait.

				HARRY
		Fudge certainly is an
		bureaucratic man, isn't he?

	In the b.g. Mrs. Umbridge watches him.

				HARRY
			(looking at the
			portrait)
		I don't remember him as having
		brown eyes.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Harry?

				HARRY
		Yes?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Will you unzip my dress?

	He steps back.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I think I'll go to bed.

				HARRY
		Oh.  Well, goodnight.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Won't you unzip my dress?

				HARRY
		I'd rather not, Mrs. Umbridge.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		If you still think I'm trying
		to seduce you -

				HARRY
		No, I don't.  But I just feel
		a little funny.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Harry - you've known me all
		This term.

				HARRY
		I know that.  But I'm -

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Come on.

	She turns her back.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		It's hard for me to reach.

	Harry reaches forward and pulls the zipper down.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Thank you.

				HARRY
		Right.

	Harry walks toward the door.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What are you so scared of?

				HARRY
		I'm not scared, Mrs. Umbridge.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Then why do you keep running
		away?

				HARRY
		Because you're going to bed.  I
		don't think I should be up here.

	Mrs. Umbridge lets her dress fall to the floor.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Haven't you ever seen anybody
		in a slip before?

				HARRY
		Yes, Hermione, but -

	He looks up at the portrait of Fudge.

				HARRY
		But I just - Look - what if 
		Mr. Filch walked in right now?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		What if he did?

				HARRY
		Well, it would look pretty
		funny, wouldn't it?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Don't you think he trusts us
		together?

				HARRY
		Of course he does.  But he
		might get the wrong idea.
		Anyone might.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I don't see why.  I'm eight times as
		old as you are.  How could
		anyone think -

				HARRY
		But they would!  Don't you see?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Harry - I'm not trying to
		seduce you.  I wish you'd -

				HARRY
		I know that.  But please, Mrs.
		Umbridge.  This is difficult
		for me.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Why is it?

				HARRY
		Because I am confused about
		things.  I can't tell what
		I'm imagining.  I can't tell
		what's real.  I can't -

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Would you like me to seduce you?

				HARRY
		What?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Is that what you're trying to
		tell me?

				HARRY
		I'm back to my dorm now.  I apologize
		for what I said.  I hope you can
		forget it.  But I'm going home
		right now.

	Harry walks out of the door and down the hall.  The
	CAMERA PUSHES with him to the door.  We see the entire
	stairway and part of the downstairs hall.  Harry gets to
	the stairs and starts down.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		HARRY?

				HARRY
		Yes.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		Will you bring up my purse before
		you go?

				HARRY
		I have to go now.  I'm sorry.

	Mrs. Umbridge walks into the hall.  Her back is to us.
	She is holding her dress in front of her.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I really don't want to put this
		on again.  Won't you bring it
		up?

				HARRY
		Where is it?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		On that chair in the hall.

	She walks out of the shot.

				HARRY
		Mrs. Umbridge?

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		I'm in the bathroom.

				HARRY
		Well here's the purse.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		Could you bring it up?

				HARRY
		Well I'll hand it to you.

	Harry starts back up the stairs.

				HARRY
		Come to the railing and I'll
		hand it up.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		Harry - I am getting pretty
		tired of all this suspicion.
		Now if you won't do me a simple
		favor I don't know what.

	Harry appears as he slowly climbs the stairs.

				HARRY
		I'm putting it on the top step.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		For God's sake, Harry, will
		you stop acting that way and
		bring me the purse?

	Harry gets to the top of the stairs, and starts slowly
	down the hall.

				HARRY
		I'm putting it here by the door.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		Will you bring it in to me?

				HARRY
		I'd rather not.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE'S VOICE
		All right.  Put it in the room
		where we were.

				HARRY
		Right.

38	INT. UMBRIDGE'S ROOM - NIGHT

	Harry walks quickly into Umbridge's room, crosses to the
	bed and puts the purse down.  As he starts to turn
	back, he looks up at Fudge's portrait.  There is a
	movement reflected in the glass of the portrait.  He
	turns quickly.  Mrs. Umbridge, naked, is shutting the
	door to the bedroom behind her.

				HARRY
		Oh God.

	She smiles.

				HARRY
		Let me out.

	She turns the lock on the door.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Don't be nervous.

				HARRY
		Get away from that door.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		I want to say something first.

				HARRY
		Jesus Christ!

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Harry - I want you to know
		I'm available to you.  If you
		won't sleep with me this time -

				HARRY
		Oh my God.

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		If you won't sleep with me this
		time, Harry, I want you to
		know you can call me up any
		time you want and we'll make
		some kind of arrangement.

				HARRY
		Let me out!

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Do you understand what I said?

				HARRY
		Yes.  Yes.  Let me out!

				MRS. UMBRIDGE
		Because I find you very attractive
		and any time -

	There is the SOUND of a CARRIAGE in the driveway outside.
	Harry leaps at the door, pushes Mrs. Umbridge aside,
	struggles with the door, gets the door open, runs into
	the hall and down the stairs.







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