WARP - Young Frankenstein

[Iggy McSnurd]

Iggy here:

Ok all... Here's another WARP from yours truly.  It's from Young
Frankenstein, and is the scene from the theatre with the musical number.

One little note:  This excerpt is from the original, first draft of the
script, so it doesn't mesh with the movie 100%.  On the good side, it
still works for the intent of the WARP.

More on the way...

Iggy McSnurd



>From "Young Frankenstein" by Gene Wilder
(WARPed, twisted and revised by Iggy McSnurd)





105	EXT. HOGWARTS - NIGHT
105

	A poster reads:

				HOGWARTS SCHOOL THEATRE

				     Tonight Only

				     DRACO MALFOY

					  in

			 "THE GREATEST DISCOVERY SINCE FIRE"

			   Presented in Cooperation With

					   H C S

		     		(Hogwarts Creature Society)

	     A "SOLD OUT" sticker is pasted across the poster.

	
CUT TO:

106	INT. GREAT HALL - NIGHT
106

	The audience is filled with ELDERLY WIZARDS AND WITCHES, 
	STUDENTS, and THE CURIOUS from the upper crust in society.

	All are elegantly dressed in cheap theatrical company wardrobe.

107	PANSY
107

	in a formal, and Crabbe -- in "something" -- wait excitedly.

108	DRACO
108

	stands on a stage, dressed in dress robes.

	
Cont.

	
78

	
108 Cont.

					DRACO
			And now, my fellow students and
			guests...I must ask you to
			...suspend belief.
			For up until now, you have seen the
			Creature perform the simple mechanics
			of motor activity.  That this Creature
			was an inanimate blob, which I endowed
			with the secret of life -- yes!...in
			all honesty -- that showed some measure
			of skill on my part.
			But for what you are about to see
			next...we must enter -- quietly --
			into the realm of genius.  I say
			this modestly, only because I am,
			myself, as in awe of the gifts I
			possess as if I were observing them
			in some other person.  I think of
			them, only, as a loan.  Grateful, of
			course...that my credit is good.
			Thus, with the accumulated knowledge
			of Potions, Transfigurations, Charms...
			and art...I now present
			what was once an inarticulate mass
			of lifeless tissues.
			Ladies and gentlemen...
			Mesdames et Messieurs...
			Damen und Herren...The Creature!

	Draco sits down at a beautiful grand piano.  He plays a
	short trill up the keyboard.

109	ANOTHER ANGLE
109

	as A SPOTLIGHT hits the darkness next to him.

	And there -- IN BLACK DRESS ROBES -- stands Goyle.
	he is heavily made up.

					DRACO
				(playing the piano
				and singing)
			If you're blue and you
			don't know where to
			go to, why don't you...

	Goyle accompanies the music with short, simple
	"Soft Shoe" steps.

					DRACO
			...go where fashion
			sits.........................

	
Cont.

	
79

	
109 Cont.

					GOYLE
			Poo -- tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

					DRACO
			Diff'rent types who wear
			a day coat, pants
			with stripes and cutaway
			coat, perfect
			fits.........................

					GOYLE
			Poo -- tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

					DRACO
			Dressed up like a
			million dollar
			piece of art
			Trying hard to
			look like Guilderoy
			Lockhart.

					GOYLE
			Soo -- pah doo -- per.

	The Audience's faces are absolutely blank.  Pansy and
	Crabbe are thrilled.

					DRACO
			Come let's mix where Rock-
			e -- fellers walk
			with sticks or 'um-ber-
			el-las' in their
			mitts.........................

					GOYLE

			Poo -- tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

	Goyle gets a tomato right in the face.  He stops cold.

					DRACO

			Dressed up like a
			million dollar
			piece of art
			Trying hard to
			look like Guilderoy
			Lock -- hart.

	An EMBARRASSING PAUSE.

					DRACO
				(to Goyle)
			That's your cue.  Go on!

	
Cont.

	
80

	
109 Cont.1

					GOYLE
			MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm.

					DRACO
				(trying to cover)
			...Su-per du-per.
			Come let's mix where Rock-
			e-fellers walk
			with sticks or 'um-ber-
			el-las' in their
			mitts.........................

	Goyle knows it's his cue:  he just looks at Draco.

					GOYLE
			MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!

					DRACO
			For  God's sake -- go on!  Are you
			trying to make me look like a fool.
			Sing, you amateur!  Sing!!

	Goyle gets a raw egg in his face.

					AUDIENCE
			Booooo!
			Get him off!
			Fake!
			What else can your toy do?

					DRACO
			Fake??  You stupid idiots...you call
			my creation a fake???  What do you
			know about truth?  You're the fakes!
			All of you!  I wouldn't come to you
			with a hang-nail.

	Goyle gets another tomato in his face.

					GOYLE
			MMMMMMMMMM!
			MMMMMMMMMMMM!

					DRACO
				(running to him)
			Wait!  Stop!  Don't give them the
			satisfaction.  I know it's tough,
			but look at how far we've come!
			Are you going to throw it all
			away now??

	Goyle thinks, as the tomato drips down his face.
	He is touched by Draco's reasoning, but still burning
	with resentment.

	
Cont.

	
81

	
109 Cont.2

					GOYLE
			MMMmmmmmm.

					DRACO
			Don't you think I know that?  But
			what are you judging by?  Hogsmeade???
			This was always a hick town.  They
			can't get a 'Carriage and Wagon' company
			to come in here.  Are you going to
			let these idiots get the best of you?
			...Or are you going to stand up like
			a man and show them that you've got
			more dignity in your little finger
			than they've got in all their butterbeer-
			bloated bodies put together?

	Goyle considers this plea for a moment.  Then gives
	Draco a colossal W H A C K and jumps into the Audience.

110	THE AUDIENCE
110

	screams and scatters for the exits.

	PANDEMONIUM.

					DRACO
				(as he picks himself up
				off the stage floor)
			I chose the wrong song.