WARP - The Breakfast Club

[Iggy McSnurd]

Iggy here:

Ok. This one was a little more interesting to revise.  It's mostly the
characters, even though some of the continuity might not match.  (For
example, I know that Cedric died before Umbridge came to the school, and
Harry's not as much of an ass as Harry can be, and Brian is a guy where
Hermione is a girl. but the images are great, so I had to use them.
*grin*)

Iggy McSnurd

(Who has sparked a hobby for himself at least as fun as filking.)



>From "the Breakfast Club"
written and directed by John Hughes
(WARPed by Iggy McSnurd)

Cast:

Umbridge = Vernon, the Principal
Harry = Bender, the Rebel
Hermione = Brian, the Brain
Cedric = Andrew, the Jock
Cho = Claire, the Princess
Luna = Allison, the Nutcase



10. INT. LIBRARY - DAY

	Hermione looks up.  Harry is messing with the door to the
library.

					HERMIONE
			Harry, that's, that's school
			property there...you know, it doesn't
			belong to us.  It's something not to
			be toyed with.

	The door slams shut.  Harry runs back to his seat.

					CEDRIC
			That's very funny, come on, fix it!

					HERMIONE
			You should really fix that!

					HARRY
			Am I a genius?

					CEDRIC
			No, you're an asshole!

					HARRY
			What a funny guy!

					CEDRIC
			Fix the door Harry!

					HARRY
			Everyone just shhh!
	
CUT TO:

11. INT. HALLWAY - DAY

	We see Umbridge walking back to her office.  She stops and
	listens to them through the closed door.

					HARRY (OS)
			I've been here before, I know what
			I'm doing!

					CEDRIC (OS)
			No!  Fix the door, get up there and
			fix it!

					HARRY (OS)
				(screams)
			Shut up!
	
CUT TO:

12. INT. LIBRARY - DAY

	We see Hermione as we hear Umbridge in the hall.

					UMBRIDGE (OS)
			God damnit!

	She opens the door and storms in.

					UMBRIDGE
			Why is that door closed?

	For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare
	at Umbridge.

					UMBRIDGE
			Why is that door closed?

					HARRY
			How're we s'posed to know?  We're
			not s'posed to move, right?

	Umbridge turns to Cho.

					UMBRIDGE
			Why?

					CHO
			We were just sitting here, like we
			were s'posed to...

	Umbridge looks around and looks at Harry.

					UMBRIDGE
			Who closed that door?

					HARRY
			I think a screw fell out of it...

					CEDRIC
			It just closed, sir...

	Umbridge looks at Luna in the back.

					UMBRIDGE
			Who?

	Luna lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the
	table, hiding in her cloak hood.

					HARRY
			She doesn't talk, sir...

					UMBRIDGE
				(to Harry)
			Give me that screw...

					HARRY
		I don't have it...

					UMBRIDGE
			You want me to yank you outta that
			seat and shake it out of you?

					HARRY
			I don't have it...screws fall out
			all of the time, the world's an
			imperfect place...

					UMBRIDGE
			Give it to me, Harry...

					CHO
			Excuse me, ma'am, why would anybody
			want to steal a screw?

					UMBRIDGE
				(to Cho)
			Watch it, young lady...

	Umbridge goes over to the door.  She tries to hold it open
	by putting a rubbish bin in front of it.

					HARRY
			The door's way too heavy, ma'am.

	The door slams shut despite the bin.

					UMBRIDGE (OS)
			God damnit!

	They laugh.

	Umbridge opens the door again.  She comes back in.

					UMBRIDGE
				(pointing)
			Cedric Diggory...get up here.  Come on,
			front and center, let's go.

	Andrew gets up and walks over to Umbridge.

					HARRY
			Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up?
			If he gets up, we'll all get up,
			it'll be anarchy!

	Umbridge and Andrew are now attempting to move the wrought iron
	scroll rack in front of the door.

					UMBRIDGE
		Okay, now, watch the scrolls!

					HARRY
			It's out of my hands...

	They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire
	door.

					HARRY
			That's very clever ma'am, but what if
			there's a fire?  I think violating
			fire codes and endangering the
			lives of children would be unwise
			at this juncture in your career, ma'am.

	Umbridge thinks about it.  She turns to Andrew.

					UMBRIDGE
			Alright, what are you doing with
			this?  Get this outta here for God's
			sake!  What's the matter with you?
			Come on!

					HERMIONE
			You know the school comes equipped
			with fire exits at either end of the
			library.

	Hermione points at them and Harry glares at her.

					HARRY
				(to HERMIONE)
			Show Dolores some respect!

	Andrew and Umbridge come back into the main section of
The library.

					UMBRIDGE
				(to Andrew)
			Let's go...go!  Get back into your
			seat.

	Andrew sits.

					UMBRIDGE
				(to Andrew)
			I expected a little more from a
			Quidditch captain!
				(to Harry)
			You're not fooling anybody, Harry!
			The next screw that falls out is
			gonna be you!

	Umbridge turns to leave.

					HARRY
				(under his breath)
			Eat my shorts...

	Umbridge spins in her tracks and faces Harry again.

					UMBRIDGE
			What was that?

					HARRY
				(loudly)
			Eat my shorts!

					UMBRIDGE
			You just bought yourself another
			Saturday, mister!

					HARRY
			Oh, Christ...

					UMBRIDGE
			You just bought one more right
			there!

					HARRY
			Well, I'm free the Saturday after
			that...beyond that, I'm gonna have
			to check my calendar!

					UMBRIDGE
			Good!  'Cause it's gonna be filled,
			we'll keep goin'!  You want another
			one?  Say the word, just say the
			word!  Instead of going to prison,
			you'll come here!  Are you through?

					HARRY
			No!

					UMBRIDGE
			I'm doing society a favor!

					HARRY
			So?

					UMBRIDGE
			That's another one, right now!  I've
			got you for the rest of your natural
			born life if you don't watch your
			step!  You want another one?

					HARRY
			Yes!

					UMBRIDGE
			You got it!  You got another one,
			right there!  That's another one
			pal!

					CHO
				(worried)
			Cut it out!

	Cho mouths the word "Stop" to Harry.

					UMBRIDGE
			You through?

					HARRY
			Not even close, bitch!

					UMBRIDGE
			Good!  You got one more, right
			there!

					HARRY
			Do you really think I give a shit?

					UMBRIDGE
			Another...

	Harry glares at her.

					UMBRIDGE
			You through?

					HARRY
			How many is that?

					HERMIONE
			That's seven including the one when
			we first came in and you asked Mrs.
			Umbridge here whether Granny Longbottom
			knew that she raided her closet.

					UMBRIDGE
				(to Harry)
			Now it's eight...
				(to HERMIONE)
			You stay out of it!

					HERMIONE
			Excuse me, ma'am, it's seven!

					UMBRIDGE
			Shut up, Peewee!
				(to Harry)
			You're mine Harry...for two months
			I gotcha!  I gotcha!

					HARRY
			What can I say?  I'm thrilled!

					UMBRIDGE
			Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you
			want these people to believe.  You
			know something, Harry?  You ought
			to spend a little more time trying
			to do something with yourself and a
			little less time trying to impress
			people.  You might be better off.
				(to everyone)
			Alright, that's it!  I'm going to
			be right outside those doors.  The
			next time I hafta come in here...I'm
			cracking skulls!  (Harry mouths "I'm
			cracking skulls")

	Umbridge leaves and closes the door.  A musical riff
	builds to a climax as Harry screams.

					HARRY
				(screams)
			Fuck you!