Testing, 1,2,3 and Charisma - what is it?

[Carol]

Kemper wrote:
> I agree, but I also think it works in reverse; people project onto
us who they think we are... at times.

Carol responds:
I think that's true more often than not. I've been criticized all my
life by people who don't even know me for traits that they assumed I
had based on  preconceived notions they held about members of some
category they had placed me in. Sometimes they're right (skinny kid
with glasses. We don't want her on our team!) Sometimes they're wrong.
It works the other way, too, but I don't want to talk about when I did
or didn't live up to people's expectations. 

The thing is, people judge you before you even open your mouth on your
appearance, not just your grooming or clothes or hairstyle but on your
age, sex, race, health, apparent income, and maybe more. Once you
start to speak, they judge you again based on accent, apparent
educational level, level of "coolness" if you're in that age group,
level of confidence, etc. I plead guilty to judging people by accents
and speech patterns and voice quality. Some voices simply hurt my
ears. The person may be interesting and intelligent, but if I can't
stand to hear them speak, I don't want to be near them.

And once you've judged a person as worthy of your time and company,
even come to "know" them, you make assumptions about them--how they'll
vote, what their values are, how happy their marriage or relationship
is, and so forth. You project your feelings and aspirations onto them;
you may even resent them for things you think they've done or thought,
or you read unintended significance into something that they say.
(Your mother likes your sister better than she likes you. Your husband
forgot your anniversary because he doesn't love you any more, or
whatever.) We expect them to like something because *we* like it.

Anyway, certain kids start out with advantages--looks, brains,
athletic ability, a likeable personality, money, etc. People expect
them to succeed; other kids want those kids to like them. As they get
older, people may project their own needs and desires or insecurities
onto them and see them as the perfect mate or a rival, for example.
Other kids may be equally intelligent or likeable, but their
classmates and even teachers may not see their intelligence or
likeability for their crooked teeth and bad complexions. Or their
skinny and unathletic, so they must be geeks (whatever that means).
they wear glasses, so they must be smart. Some people can meet or
surpass the expectations of others and show their real selves and
still be liked. Others crumble under the pressure or react with rage
and frustration. Or they just conform and become what others think
they are.

It's all very complicated, but I'm trying to say that who we are is
partly who we're born to be, partly how we're shaped by education and
experience, and partly what we make of that combination of
circumstances. But how others view us, how they react to us and who
they think we are is part of that identity. After all, a job
interviewer isn't hiring *you.* He's hiring (or rejecting) the person
he thinks you are based on an hour-long question-answer session. Your
own child doesn't know you the way you know (or think you know)
yourself. You're just Mom or Dad. When I taught college, I had
students who were surprised to learn that I had a life outside the
classroom and my office! I guess they thought I was some sort of robot
who was programmed to teach classes and grade essays (preferably
returned the very next class period--yeah, right!)

Does anybody really know anybody else? I guess an identical twin might
come close, or a mother knowing her child when the child is young, but
even then you're projecting--*my* twin, *my* child, an extension of me.

Carol, just freewriting here and probably not saying anything worth
responding to!