The Daily Prophet

[Joywitch]

No: HPFGUIDX 5659

*************** THE DAILY PROPHET ******************

TRELAWNEY PREDICTS U.S. ELECTION RESULTS

by Joywitch M. Curmudgeon, D.P.'s Washington correspondent

HOGSMEADE, U.K., Nov. 11 - At a press conference held today, noted 
seer Sibyll Trelawney predicted the results of the hotly-contested 
U.S. presidential election.  Trelawney stated, "I have consulted my 
crystal ball, carefully examined many cups of tea leaves, and 
examined the position of the stars, and I am happy to announce that I 
have determined the results of what will undoubtedly be many months 
of counting, and recounting, of the election ballots.  I have 
determined that the next president of the United States will be Ralph 
Nader."

Reporters and bystanders at the press conference, which took place in 
Hogsmeade's famous Three Broomsticks pub, were somewhat taken aback 
at this prediction.  Hogwarts professor Minerva McGonagall was heard 
to remark, "Ralph Nader?  He's only got 3% of the vote.  If it 
weren't for the fact that I never speak ill of my colleagues...."  

Fred Weasley, co-owner of the newly-expanded Weasley's Whizzes 
(formerly Zonko's Joke Shop) said, "That's funny, my crystal ball 
said that the dead governor of Missouri would be elected president."  
Added his brother George, "Yeh, and also that Ralph Nader would be 
run over by an irate Gore supporter driving a Corvair."  

According to bus conductor and frequent Three Broomsticks patron Stan 
Shunpike, "I dunno nuffink about `mericans and I never `eard of this 
Vader muggle, but Professor Trelawney, she's really sumfink.  I `ad 
`er fur Divination when I was a student at `ogwarts, years ago.  
Always predicted I'd be run over by the Knight Bus, she was, and `ere 
I am running it instead."

Also present at the Three Broomsticks was Minister of Magic Cornelius 
Fudge, who explained, "The results of the U.S. muggle election don't 
really have any impact here in Great Britain, or indeed anywhere in 
the worldwide wizard community.  There is simply no way a muggle 
politician could do anything that would concern us at all, and I wish 
everyone would stop sending me owls asking me, I mean, I don't think 
it is anything we need to worry about."

Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, when asked to comment about 
Trelawney's prediction, smiled, his eyes gleaming, and told this 
reporter that, "Sibyll Trelawney, bless her, has been making 
predictions for many years.  Occasionally she even predicts something 
correctly.  Just a few years ago she accurately predicted that the 
English Quidditch team would win the World Cup, thanks to their new 
seeker, Harry Potter.  In 1994 she rightly predicted Voldemort's 
return to power.  And previously, she made a true prediction that 
(continued on pg. 17)