Eleven Theories On OotP (not *entirely* serious)

[pigwidgeon37]

No: HPFGUIDX 31829

Hi, all

The recent speculation(s) about the meaning of „Order of the 
Phoenix", suggesting that it doesn't necessarily have to refer to the 
anti-LV side, made me look up the entry "order" in an English 
thesaurus- an idea that can only blossom within the deeply perturbed 
mind of a bored non-native speaker. Anyway, the implications of 
what "order", whether it belongs to the good or the bad side, might 
mean, are these:

1) a direction or command: Possible only on condition that Fawkes 
learns to speak or write. Hmmm. Maybe a Dr. Dolittle- crossover? Or 
perhaps Harry has to spend years 5-7 learning to become a phoenix-
animagus? An owl is dispatched to Voldemort, carrying a message that 
says: "Dear Lord Voldemort, this is to inform you that the war of 
Good vs. Evil is temporarily suspended for U.A.T. (Urgent Animagus 
Training). Please go into hiding until further notice. Yours 
sincerely Albus Dumbledore" ?? To silly? Nooooo!

2) a request or direction to produce or deliver goods, or such goods 
themselves: Fawkes the Disobedient Phoenix has again disobeyed 
Dumbledore's explicit veto against ordering special offers by owl. He 
uses Hogwarts' official Gringott's card to order 3 billion boxes of 
phoenix treats- the school is broke and everybody got to find 
themselves new jobs. Dumbledore gets hired by WB as Richard Harris's 
stunt double, Snape is frequently seen in Knockturn Alley, selling 
self-made drugs to eager young wizards, and McGonagall chooses the 
easy way: She persuades Pettigrew to audition for the parts of Itchy 
and Scratchy together with her. Hmmmm
 well, maybe- who knows?

3) the way something is organized or arranged in space or time: We 
discover that Voldemort lives in a neat little cottage down in Kent 
and that he is rather compulsive about keeping everything in the 
right order (e.g. his black robes, otherwise indistinguishable, are 
hanged by order of purchase etc.) Sirius discovers this by mere 
coincidence, when-as a dog of course!- he pees against one of 
Voldemort's neatly arranged  flowerpots and hereby shifts one of them 
for about half an inch. LV storms out the house and desperately puts 
it back where it belongs- Voldemort's order. Now that the enemy's 
weak point is not a secret any more, Dumbledore sends Fawkes to wreak 
havoc at V's cottage, i.e. to put everything into the "Order of the 
Phoenix". Voldemort, returning home after a post-slaughter drink with 
Lucius, dies from a heart attack.

4) condition with respect to function or operation: This requires a 
greater amount of insanity, maybe after Christmas
.("Wanna sell me 
your phoenix, Albus? Nah, this one's not in good order!)

5) adherence to the rules and laws of a society; social or civil 
peace: Fawkes, the Ferocious Phoenix- Unfortunately, somebody gave 
Fawkes a Sheriff's badge and a "High Noon" video for his 3758th 
birthday. In his fiery, feathery head he imagines that he's Wyatt 
Earp reborn and decides to re-establish law and order- the law and 
order of the phoenix- in this country. Ends with a kind of shoot-out 
between Fawkes and Voldemort who still hasn't got it into his head 
that the core of his wand is a phoenix feather and so it certainly 
won't work against a whole phoenix. It's up to your imagination to 
imagine V's gruesome end.
 
6) the established course of things, esp. political: Book 5 gives a 
lengthy description of Fawkes's daily routine

7) in biology, the subdivision of a class: Book 5 gives a lengthy 
description of one single Care of Magical Creatures lesson, where 
Hagrid thoroughly explains that the phoenix is a suborder of the 
Thunderbird (but they called the book "OoP" instead of "The Suborder 
of the Phoenix" in order (???) not to offend Fawkes

8) usual or customary way of proceeding: Largely the same as 6)

9) a society of persons of a common profession or with common 
interests: Seems we already discussed THAT

10) a society of priests or nuns: mainly the same as 9) only with the 
interesting detail that "Sex at Hogwarts" probably won't be a topic 
anymore

11) degree, as of size or magnitude: This is a sequel to 7), giving a 
lengthy description of another Care of Magical Creatures lesson, 
where Hagrid explains that the phoenix is also slightly smaller than 
the Thunderbird.

Sorry, gotta go, there are three nice young men in white coats 
waiting for me, although it seems that the sleeves of the jacket are 
a bit long
. Aaaaaaargh

Susanna/pigwidgeon37