They're Still Rock and Stone (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 8860

They're Still Rock and Stone (from CoS)

(To the tune of It's Still Rock and Roll to Me)

(The Scene: The Grounds before Hogwarts. In the foreground are the petrified
forms of Hermione Granger, Penelope Clearwater, Colin Creevy, Justin
Finch-Fletchley, Mrs. Norris, and Nearly Headless Nick.  A CHORUS OF
HOGWARTS STUDENTS AND STAFF are gripped with fear as they ponder the series
of mysterious attacks)

CHORUS:
What's all happenin' at Hogwarts now?
It's makin' us be extra wary
There's an evil sort of Magic here
That's changing us to statuary
Despite Professor Binns' official disclaimer
We think it came out of that lost Secret Chamber
Everybody's hopin' that's it's not really open
But they're still rock and stone, you see.

(The Crowd partially disperses.  A CHORUS OF HUFFLEPUFF AND RAVENCLAW
STUDENTS turn toward HARRY POTTER, regarding him with a mixture of curiosity
and fear).

CHORUS OF RAVENCLAW AND HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS:

What's the story with that Potter guy?
Did you notice how at Lockhart's duel
He starts conversin' with a species whose
Ancestors are now fossil fuel.
He's a Parselmouth, and we think that he planned it
To transform his antagonists into solid granite
No fake! We quake! He spake to snake!
And they're still rock and stone, you see.

(EXIT all, save for HARRY and RON WEASLEY)

RW: Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the hallways
But who's behind this heinous crime?
HP: No way that it's Hagrid
BOTH: We first thought Draco did, Malfoy was our suspect prime
But it's not him this time

(Enter PROF. SPROUT and MADAM POMFREY, both carrying potted Mandrakes)

S: What they're needin' is the Mandrake plant
Which is also known as Mandragora
P: No matter what it is that's ailing you
It's the very thing to best restore ya
S: We'll have to wait, it's a lengthy gestation
P: But they'll all revive at the first application
ALL: Tough break! They ache! Mandrake will wake!
But they're still rock and stone, say we.

(Exit SPROUT and POMFREY.  HARRY notes a wad of paper clutched tightly in
Hermione's hand, and pries it loose.  They both read it eagerly)

RW: With a helpful hint from Hermione
At last we understand it all
HP:Someone's been sending out a basilisk
I've heard it crawlin' through the wall
RW: You know how it is, when Dark Forces are lurkin'
HP: That's just our cue that it's time to start workin'
BOTH: It's make or break!  We'll shake bad snake!
Rock and stone no one ever will be!

We're both proposin' that ol' Chamber should be closin'
Rock and stone no one ever will be!

(Exit)

  - CMC