They're Oppressed! (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 22774

They're Oppressed!  (From GoF, Ch. 12, 14, & 21)

(To the tune of Be Our Guest, from Beauty and the Beast)

Dedicated to Amanda L and Amy Z (for all their support)

The Scene: The Great Hall, with all of Hogwarts in attendance for the 
start-of-term feast. HERMIONE is shocked to learn that 
Hogwarts "employs" a large number of house-elves.

HERMIONE (spoken) Slave labor - that's what made this dinner. *Slave 
labor.*

(music)
They're oppressed!
They're oppressed!
Enslaved house-elves get no rest
They bake and clean and drudge all day
And go around half-dressed

SIR NICK
That is all 
Elves deserve
Why, they only live to serve
Agitation 
Is seditious

HERMIONE
Don't believe it!
That's just vicious 
That old song
That old dance
Against which I take a stance
It is time this social problem was addressed!
House-elves do not earn pay
Or a 401(k)
They're oppressed!
I'm distressed!
I protest!

A party
I'll create
These demands to advocate
To teach elves to fight for themselves
I shall not hesitate
They're alone
And they're scared
But I'm thoroughly prepared
Legislation I'm proposing
To give ev'ry elf some clothing
Set them free
Give them wands
And just watch how they respond
This is sure to be a popular success 
Now is the time for you
To lend support to S.P.E.W.
Let me stress
You'll be blessed 
Pin our badge upon your chest!
I don't jest! 
They're oppressed!
Get them dressed!

HAGRID
Life is disconcerting 
To a house-elf not exerting 
He's no good if he can't wear a pillowcase 
Ah, those sweet old elves love being useful
For you see, that's just the house-elf race.
For years they've been working
Not a single duty shirking
Without deference, a chance to cook our lunch 
They would bang their heads against the castle
Flabby, fat and lazy

HERMIONE
Hagrid, you are talking crazy!

(Segue to the corridor leading to the Elves' kitchen, HERMIONE in the 
lead as HARRY and RON reluctantly follow)

HARRY & RON
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!
She's too Type A, we'll attest
Like a library where she'll bury 
Herself for a big test
She won't stop
In this cause
Till she's changed all house-elf laws

RON
Hermione is such a zealot

HARRY
To the choir you now tell it

BOTH
Our free time's
Disappeared 
Since Hermione went weird
Into House-Elf Lib we both have been impressed 
She tells us what to do
As Board Members of S.P.E.W.
She's possessed! On a quest! What a pest! 

(Enter the Kitchen, where DOBBY and WINKY join the group)

HERMIONE
They're oppressed!
They're oppressed!
Come and join our great contest
As you see, these two house-elves here are free 
So let's release the rest

DOBBY
Dobby likes 
To get paid
(Not too much, I'd be afraid)

WINKY
And where all of this is going
Winky much prefers not knowing

HERMIONE & DOBBY
Sock by sock
Hat by hat
We will take this to the mat 
We won't stop till each elf has received a vest

WINKY (simultaneous with below)
I may now be quite a wreck
But I'll take no paycheck

HERMIONE & DOBBY (simultaneous with above)
Move barriers that block us
With keys that unlock us

WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES* (to DOBBY)
You've transgressed!
You've transgressed!
You've transgressed!

HERMIONE & DOBBY*
They're/We're oppressed!
They're/We're oppressed!
They're/We're oppressed!

HARRY & RON*
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!

ALL
You might have guessed!

  - CMC

*all three choruses are sung simultaneously