This Elf is Saying (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 15117

This Elf is Saying (from CoS, Chap. 2)

(To the tune of The Lady's Paying, from Lloyd Webber's Sunset 
Boulevard)

Dedicated to Amanda Lewanski

(The Scene: HARRY'S room on Privet Drive.  HARRY is full of self-pity 
as the summer drags on without a word from his classmates.  
Meanwhile, the Dursleys prepare to entertain the Masons, a rich 
builder VERNON hopes to do business with) 

HARRY(music)
This looks to be my most unhappy birthday yet
I've not received a single card or present
I can't expect a thing from the Dursleys of course
But no Hermione or Ron, now that I resent

(Enter UNCLE VERNON)

HARRY(spoken)
What's all this?

VERNON (spoken)
So what if it's your birthday? It's forgotten!

HARRY(spoken)
Well, I...

VERNON (spoken)
This is the most important dinner party we've ever held. You're to 
remain in your room for the day.

HARRY(spoken)
 Uncle Vernon, now listen....

VERNON(spoken)
 Boy, I'll leave you to it. 

(Exit VERNON)

HARRY (music)
I thought I had made bonds that time could never bend
With my new friends
But it seems that none of them have even missed me

(DOBBY suddenly appears on HARRY'S bed)

But what is this that I see standing on my bed
It bows its head
And looks as though it wishes to assist me

DOBBY
Dobby's here on a great quest

HARRY
The poor thing in dishrags is dressed 

DOBBY(bowing deeply)
You're a very noble wizard as each house-elf will attest
Now Dobby bows before you with a humble meek request
So very far from home is Dobby straying 
So listen please to what this elf is saying

HARRY
I'm glad to meet you Dobby, please now have a seat

DOBBY (bursting in tears)
He deigns to greet
Dobby as if he were his peer or equal
>From a wizard such regard is never seen
This kindness keen
Is without a predecessor or a sequal

Your goodness heralds your renown 
Your bold triumphs yet resound
Every elf wants to thank you
For your defeat of You-Know-Who
Dobby's come to tell you why 
That he cannot let you die
So no more at Hogwarts School can you be staying
Please listen sir to what this elf is saying

HARRY (simultaneously with last line)
I can't believe what I hear this elf saying

HARRY
Hogwarts to me is far more than just a school,
It's a renewal
The friends I've made there make my life much better

DOBBY
How can they be Harry's friends when they don't write?

(DOBBY accidentally releases a huge pile of letters from Ron, 
Hermione,and Hagrid)

HARRY
You tricky sprite
I see that you've purloined my every letter

DOBBY(snatching the letters back)
If Harry thought he'd lost his friends,
Then Hogwarts he'd not attend
He'd dodge a danger dark and vast that must destroy him in the end 
And Dobby must now tell you, though his Master he'll offend
That his Master these dark forces is conveying

(DOBBY looks startled, realizing he's said something he shouldn't)

Dobby cannot believe what he is saying 

(DOBBY begins banging his head violently. HARRY tries to stop him)

HARRY
Please now Dobby kindly do not bang your head
You'll wind up dead 
You'll give yourself a really bad concussion

DOBBY
When Dobby's bad it's clear that he 
Must punished be
Upon his skull compelled to play percussion 

A house-elf is by magic bound 
To say nothing that's unsound
Though the slightest hint of Master's crime is certain to astound
Dobby warrants discipline whenever it is found
That his Master's reputation he's betraying
So just ignore what this house-elf is saying 
(bangs his head a few more times)

HARRY:
Dobby, listen, please, I live with Muggles here
They hate and fear 
Each and everything that has to do with magic
They're entertaining quite important guests tonight

DOBBY
I must ignite
Them to save you from a fate that's far too tragic

(DOBBY races to the kitchen, with HARRY in close pursuit. As HARRY 
arrives, he sees that DOBBY is perilously levitating Aunt 
Petunia's "masterpiece of a pudding" at ceiling level)

HARRY
Don't levitate the pudding bowl
Uncle Vern will lose control

DOBBY
Ask Hogwarts to remove your name off their attendance roll

HARRY
I don't care what else may happen, but Hogwarts is my life and soul

DOBBY
Now gravity that bowl must start obeying
Because Harry scorns what this elf is saying

(DOBBY causes the bowl to crash, sending pudding flying in every 
direction, and enveloping HARRY in it. DOBBY vanishes abruptly, just 
as UNCLE VERNON rushes in).

VERNON(dragging HARRY to his room)
The Masons fled in terror when they saw your bird 
Deliver word
That magic done outside school they prohibit
Now let's see if magic helps you leave your room
You may presume
Your movement hence we strictly shall inhibit

(VERNON places bars upon HARRY's windows, and then locks him inside 
his room)

HARRY
Now I'm under lock and bar
But here's a sight nothing can mar
Right outside my window I see Ron inside in a magic car

RON, GEORGE AND FRED
Climb right on board Harry, and you'll fly with us so far

HARRY AND RON
This evening Uncle Vern I'll/you'll be defying
And in the Weasley's car I/you shall be flying

(FRED and GEORGE non-magically remove the bars, and help HARRY climb 
in)

HARRY
An evening with an elf can be quite trying. 

(Exit all skywards)

    - CMC