[HPforGrownups] This Elf is Saying (filk)

[Amanda Lewanski]

No: HPFGUIDX 15149

Caius, my life is now complete. I have been in love, married, had
children, won an argument with my father, and now, now I have a Caius
filk dedicated to me!

--Amanda

Caius Marcius wrote:

> This Elf is Saying (from CoS, Chap. 2)
>
> (To the tune of The Lady's Paying, from Lloyd Webber's Sunset
> Boulevard)
>
> Dedicated to Amanda Lewanski
>
> (The Scene: HARRY'S room on Privet Drive.  HARRY is full of self-pity
> as the summer drags on without a word from his classmates.
> Meanwhile, the Dursleys prepare to entertain the Masons, a rich
> builder VERNON hopes to do business with)
>
> HARRY(music)
> This looks to be my most unhappy birthday yet
> I've not received a single card or present
> I can't expect a thing from the Dursleys of course
> But no Hermione or Ron, now that I resent
>
> (Enter UNCLE VERNON)
>
> HARRY(spoken)
> What's all this?
>
> VERNON (spoken)
> So what if it's your birthday? It's forgotten!
>
> HARRY(spoken)
> Well, I...
>
> VERNON (spoken)
> This is the most important dinner party we've ever held. You're to
> remain in your room for the day.
>
> HARRY(spoken)
> Uncle Vernon, now listen....
>
> VERNON(spoken)
> Boy, I'll leave you to it.
>
> (Exit VERNON)
>
> HARRY (music)
> I thought I had made bonds that time could never bend
> With my new friends
> But it seems that none of them have even missed me
>
> (DOBBY suddenly appears on HARRY'S bed)
>
> But what is this that I see standing on my bed
> It bows its head
> And looks as though it wishes to assist me
>
> DOBBY
> Dobby's here on a great quest
>
> HARRY
> The poor thing in dishrags is dressed
>
> DOBBY(bowing deeply)
> You're a very noble wizard as each house-elf will attest
> Now Dobby bows before you with a humble meek request
> So very far from home is Dobby straying
> So listen please to what this elf is saying
>
> HARRY
> I'm glad to meet you Dobby, please now have a seat
>
> DOBBY (bursting in tears)
> He deigns to greet
> Dobby as if he were his peer or equal
> >From a wizard such regard is never seen
> This kindness keen
> Is without a predecessor or a sequal
>
> Your goodness heralds your renown
> Your bold triumphs yet resound
> Every elf wants to thank you
> For your defeat of You-Know-Who
> Dobby's come to tell you why
> That he cannot let you die
> So no more at Hogwarts School can you be staying
> Please listen sir to what this elf is saying
>
> HARRY (simultaneously with last line)
> I can't believe what I hear this elf saying
>
> HARRY
> Hogwarts to me is far more than just a school,
> It's a renewal
> The friends I've made there make my life much better
>
> DOBBY
> How can they be Harry's friends when they don't write?
>
> (DOBBY accidentally releases a huge pile of letters from Ron,
> Hermione,and Hagrid)
>
> HARRY
> You tricky sprite
> I see that you've purloined my every letter
>
> DOBBY(snatching the letters back)
> If Harry thought he'd lost his friends,
> Then Hogwarts he'd not attend
> He'd dodge a danger dark and vast that must destroy him in the end
> And Dobby must now tell you, though his Master he'll offend
> That his Master these dark forces is conveying
>
> (DOBBY looks startled, realizing he's said something he shouldn't)
>
> Dobby cannot believe what he is saying
>
> (DOBBY begins banging his head violently. HARRY tries to stop him)
>
> HARRY
> Please now Dobby kindly do not bang your head
> You'll wind up dead
> You'll give yourself a really bad concussion
>
> DOBBY
> When Dobby's bad it's clear that he
> Must punished be
> Upon his skull compelled to play percussion
>
> A house-elf is by magic bound
> To say nothing that's unsound
> Though the slightest hint of Master's crime is certain to astound
> Dobby warrants discipline whenever it is found
> That his Master's reputation he's betraying
> So just ignore what this house-elf is saying
> (bangs his head a few more times)
>
> HARRY:
> Dobby, listen, please, I live with Muggles here
> They hate and fear
> Each and everything that has to do with magic
> They're entertaining quite important guests tonight
>
> DOBBY
> I must ignite
> Them to save you from a fate that's far too tragic
>
> (DOBBY races to the kitchen, with HARRY in close pursuit. As HARRY
> arrives, he sees that DOBBY is perilously levitating Aunt
> Petunia's "masterpiece of a pudding" at ceiling level)
>
> HARRY
> Don't levitate the pudding bowl
> Uncle Vern will lose control
>
> DOBBY
> Ask Hogwarts to remove your name off their attendance roll
>
> HARRY
> I don't care what else may happen, but Hogwarts is my life and soul
>
> DOBBY
> Now gravity that bowl must start obeying
> Because Harry scorns what this elf is saying
>
> (DOBBY causes the bowl to crash, sending pudding flying in every
> direction, and enveloping HARRY in it. DOBBY vanishes abruptly, just
> as UNCLE VERNON rushes in).
>
> VERNON(dragging HARRY to his room)
> The Masons fled in terror when they saw your bird
> Deliver word
> That magic done outside school they prohibit
> Now let's see if magic helps you leave your room
> You may presume
> Your movement hence we strictly shall inhibit
>
> (VERNON places bars upon HARRY's windows, and then locks him inside
> his room)
>
> HARRY
> Now I'm under lock and bar
> But here's a sight nothing can mar
> Right outside my window I see Ron inside in a magic car
>
> RON, GEORGE AND FRED
> Climb right on board Harry, and you'll fly with us so far
>
> HARRY AND RON
> This evening Uncle Vern I'll/you'll be defying
> And in the Weasley's car I/you shall be flying
>
> (FRED and GEORGE non-magically remove the bars, and help HARRY climb
> in)
>
> HARRY
> An evening with an elf can be quite trying.
>
> (Exit all skywards)
>
>     - CMC
>
>
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