Who's Your Kitty Daddy? Toasted STUDMUFFIN

[A. Vulgarweed]

No: HPFGUIDX 37767

>   From: "Tabouli" <tabouli at unite.com.au>
>Subject: Trio dynamics, *more* Animagi, STUDMUFFIN Snape

>Rohit:
>Pity we don't, so far, have an Animagus couple on board, where we could
>check out this theory.  Our only female Animagus so far is a beetle, and
>that doesn't seem promising for Shipping.

Ah, but not! The very first Animagus we meet is Minerva McGonagall. Who is,
of course, a *cat*. This may be relevant, or it may not.


>The only male Animagus of anywhere near compatible size is, er, Wormtail.
>Ew.  Although, we could have a little worm/beetle creepy crawly
>invertebrate bonding there.  Unless of course you go for the Dumbledore as
>bumblebee Animagus option.

That would imply a bit of Dumbledore/Rita Skeeter SHIPping, wouldn't it?
Wow, I don't think I've seen that one even in fanfic!
>
>Hmmm... that makes me muse on something.
>
>Now, the fact that Snape is so frequently described as bat-like has many a
>member frothing at the bit and declaring him a vampire.  However, there is
>a notable lack of froth regarding another character who is regularly
>described as insect-like.  Thin, green-sequinned, with bulbous eyes and a
>*winged* armchair...  could the Sultry Sybill be a *dragonfly Animagus*??
>Is *this* the scurrilous Skeeterish scheme she uses to get information to
>improve her hit rate between genuine visitations from fate?
>
>Roll up, roll up for S.T.A.F.F. B.A.N.D.A.I.D. (Sybill Trelawney, A
>Fortune-telling Fraud But A Nifty Dragonfly Animagus In Disguise)...

Assuming Snape is a vampire simply because he's often described as bat-like
seems to require introducing another layer of gratuitous weirdness. Let's
look at a simpler possibility: He might just be a run-of-the-mill, garden
variety BAT ANIMAGUS. That, of course, could mean that Sybill's love for
him is rather...doomed. Dangerous. I think this would appeal to her.
>
>Cindy:>>Could it be that McGonagall dislikes Trelawney not because McGonagall
>dislikes Divination, but because she doesn't approve of Trelawney's
>sly efforts to lure Snape to the North Tower?<
>
>Hey, why stop at Trelawney?  Why not make the waspishness (another insect
>reference!) of Minerva stem from Minerva's *own* unrequited passion for
>Snape?

She does get *catty*, doesn't she?

>AV:
>> Now we're probably not going to read about Snape's kitten in book 5,
>alas. Any theories on where this kitten came from? Just wandered in?
>Innocent child of a torrid, illicit alliance perhaps involving Mrs.
>Norris? (Or McGonagall even, but I think Mrs. Norris is more likely).<

Tabouli:
>You mean, the irritating yet adorable love-child/kitten of a tryst between
>*Snape* and Mrs Norris?  Cor.  O' course, it could just be that Mrs Norris
>gave Snape custody of her illegitimate child, but why?  Could Filch have
>begged Snape, his only friend and a proper, powerful wizard, to
>transfigure briefly into cat form and seduce her on his behalf (from Filch
>with love?), resulting in his fair feline daughter?  (I think we have
>another candidate for the EW series here...)
>
>Cor.  There's no stopping this Snape Studmuffin, is there?  Mark this one
>with an A.U.T.U.M.N. A.S.T.E.R.I.S.K. (An Unauthorised Tranfiguration
>Unites Mrs Norris And Snape, The Eventual Result Is Sassy Kitten)...

Oh my. I think my little attempt at formulating a fun theory ran smack into
the STUDMUFFIN, with disastrous results. I didn't mean to imply that
*Snape* was the kitty daddy. That's too mEW! And wouldn't Filch have
preferred to be briefly transfigured to do the job *himself* (unless he's a
voyeur of orders of magnitude of kinkiness)? No, I merely thought that
perhaps Mrs. Norris had gone into heat--you know how women are--and gotten
herself entangled with...some Hogsmeade alley tom with a missing ear,
perhaps. Maybe Millicent Bulstrode's cat. Maybe Crookshanks--who knows,
does it matter? But in any case, Mrs. Norris was desperate to hide the
evidence of her infidelity, yet also wanted to provide for her child. So
she hides herself away when she starts to get big, gives birth to a single
kitten (remembering her human heritage; she is still not hard-wired to
squirt out a litter of six), and late one night shows up at the door of one
of the only wizards who understands her condition and has shown her
compassion in the past (and is an old flame, perhaps?), holding her little
bundle of joy by the scruff of the neck.

It can, of course, add a little more Edge if Filch finds out. Perhaps, in
his jealousy, he _suspects_, incorrectly, that Snape really is the kitten's
father. After all, Snape's a real wizard. He can do magic and everything,
unlike self-loathing, possessive Filch. (It wouldn't occur to him that
wizards have limits--there is, after all, no evidence in canon that
non-Animagi can turn themselves into animals. If it does occur to him, he
would assume that someone else must have done the transfiguring. Who's good
at Transfiguration? Dumbledore. *McGonagall*. Imagine the vast and
elaborate sexual conspiracies that could present themselves to Filch's
feverish and paranoid mind.)


AV