Re: SHIP: Florence, Bertha and C.U.P.I.D.’S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R.

[ssk7882]

No: HPFGUIDX 35303

Cindy wrote:

> That said, we do need someone to devise a theory for why Sirius 
> hates Snape so much. This is more than just the hatred Sirius has 
> at the end of GoF. For some reason, Sirius hated Snape enough to 
> play the Prank, but I haven't seen a LOLLIPOPS, George, 
> CUPIDSBLUDGER, Prince, Mercy, Mercy II type of explanation that I 
> find compelling. Any takers?

<raises hand tentatively>

Might I suggest my own variant on C.U.P.I.D.S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R.?

I suggest that Florence *was* Sirius' girlfriend.  Sirius was the one
Bertha Jorkins saw kissing behind the greenhouses, and he was indeed 
the one who hexed her for her nosy ways.  The canon to back this up
is the hostility in Sirius' tone whenever he speaks of Bertha to 
Harry:

"Listen, I knew Bertha Jorkins . . . She was at Hogwarts when I was,
a few years above your dad and me. And she was an idiot. Very nosy, 
but no brains, none at all. It's not a good combination."

"Maybe she's changed since I knew her, but the Bertha I knew wasn't 
forgetful at all -- quite the reverse. She was a bit dim, but she had 
an excellent memory for gossip. It used to get her into a lot of 
trouble; she never knew when to keep her mouth shut." 

Now why would an all-around good guy like Sirius have been so upset by
being teased about kissing a *girl*, of all things, that he would not 
only cast a hex on poor Bertha Jorkins but also still be holding a 
grudge about it nearly twenty years later?

Well, because Florence, as amiable and Dead Sexy as she might have 
been, was also a member of House Slytherin.  Their love -- what with 
Voldemort on the rise and all -- was a Forbidden Love, and they had 
been keeping their relationship a secret from all of their friends, 
which is why they were hiding out behind the greenhouses in the first 
place.

<Elkins pauses here, to allow the more sentimental romantics to break 
out their hankies>

Once Bertha Jorkins spilled the beans, though, all hell broke loose.  
The revelation that Sirius and Florence had been conducting a 
clandestine relationship sat well with neither Florence's Slytherin 
companions (half of whom had the hots for her themselves) nor with 
Sirius' friends.  James and Remus were hurt that he hadn't trusted 
them with his secret; little Peter kept squealing over and over 
again "A *Slytherin* girl?  Sirius, how *could* you?"; and Lily got 
decidedly thin-lipped over the matter, as she and Florence had been 
academic rivals ever since their very first day at Hogwarts -- a 
rivalry which had only been exacerbated by their shared expertise 
in the field of Charms.  

Neither Sirius' attempts to defend his unconventional relationship
("But guys, she's really, really *brave!*  I mean, she probably never
should have been sorted Slyth in the first place!") nor Florence's 
own ("Oh, *do* shut up, Lestrange.  Sirius Black is Dead Sexy.  And 
besides, if you don't like it, you know what the solution is, don't 
you?") sufficed to sway the disapproval of their respective 
peers, and so in the end, with much moaning and angst, they parted 
ways.

Now although Sirius did take for a time to sitting by the shore of 
the lake, staring broodishly off into the mid-distance while tossing 
bread crusts to the giant squid, his generally ebullient nature -- 
not to mention the emotional safety net of his friends -- soon saw 
him through this crisis, and he emerged relatively unscathed.  

Florence on the other hand...

Well, Florence brooded.  She dwelled.  She had that Slytherin 
tendency towards resentment, don't you know, and unlike Sirius, she 
didn't have a very close circle of friends to see her through.  She 
became...withdrawn.  Bitter.  Twisted.  She began to hold the 
Gryffindors (especially that nasty little Mudblood Lily Evans) solely 
responsible for the break-up; her mind turned to thoughts of bloody 
vengeance.  She also started pestering her classmate Severus "I Know 
More Hexes Than Old Flitwick Himself" Snape to teach her all of the 
nastiest curses he knew.  He, of course, was more than happy to do 
this because (a) he kind of had a thing for her himself, (b) it 
flattered his ego, and (c) he knew damned well that being seen in 
Florence's presence all the time would *really* twist the knife into 
old Sirius Black, whom he despised.

Which it did.  Sirius was absolutely *convinced* that there was 
something of a romantic nature going on between his beloved Florence 
and that slimy oily git Severus, and worse, whatever it was was 
clearly beginning to corrupt the poor girl's mind -- she had taken to 
staring over at the Gryffindor table during mealtimes with a dreamy 
smile on her face while absently pulling the wings off of flies, and 
she now smirked malevolently whenever anyone fell down and skinned 
their knee...well, it was just plain *disturbing,* was what it was.  
And in Sirius' mind, *clearly* a result of Snape's Bad Influence.

So this was the real motivation underlying the viciousness of 
Sirius prank.  While he might have told himself that "he just wasn't 
thinking," deep down inside he wanted Snape dead.  Dead, dead, dead, 
as Cindy would put it.  To save his *girl*, you see.  To save her 
from Snape's bad influence.

'Course, it didn't work.  Florence eventually went on to marry
Lestrange, become a Big Bad Evil Death Eater, and wind up in Azkaban.

So *this* is the reason that Sirius hates Snape so much.  Because 
Snape corrupted his Lost Love and led her into Darkness.

And this is also the reason that Snape hates Sirius so much.  Because 
he thinks that Sirius' *rejection* of Florence is what...well, what 
corrupted his Unrequited Crush and led her into Darkness.

(Actually Florence was never a very nice person to begin with.  But 
neither of the two lads realized that, you see, because she was just 
so darned sexy.)

As canonical evidence for this theory, I offer the following:

(1)  Florence has a first name, but no last name.  Mrs. Lestrange has 
a last name, but no first name.  Coincidence?  Oh, I think not!

(2)  Sirius' strange omission of Mrs. Lestranges first *or* maiden
name when he lists her as a member of Snape's old gang.  He is 
thinking back to people he knew as students.  Wouldn't you think that 
he would identify Mrs. Lestrange by her maiden name, or even by her 
first and maiden name?  Surely the Lestranges were not married until
after they left Hogwarts.  And while Gryffindors *do* tend to refer 
to their rival males in Slytherin by surname only, their sense of 
chivalry generally leads them to grant female Slyths first names as 
well. (In Harry's mind, for example, Draco Malfoy is almost always 
merely "Malfoy;" Pansy Parkinson, on the other hand, is *never*
"Parkinson."  She is "Pansy Parkinson," or sometimes just "Pansy.")

It's odd, isn't it?  That Mrs. Lestrange's inclusion in the list 
should be subsumed into her husband's identity like that?  She's 
almost *glossed,* really:

"The Lestranges -- they're a married couple -- they're in Azkaban."

It almost sounds as if Sirius would rather not talk about her -- or 
even to *think* about her --  at all, doesn't it?  Consistent, 
surely, with how one might talk about ones Lost Love, when said Lost 
Love not only married somebody else, but also became a ravenously 
sadistic Dark Witch?

and finally:

(3) Dumbledore's Pensieve.  Remember that the memory from which he 
recalls Harry is the Lestranges' sentencing.  Shortly thereafter, his 
Pensieve coughs up the memory of his interview with the young Bertha 
Jorkins, right after the hexing incident.  He remembers asking her:

"But why, Bertha, . . . why did you have to follow him in the first 
place?"

The anguished tone seems rather out of keeping for a simple matter of 
a fast hex, doesn't it?  No, Dumbledore's agony there arises from his
wise suspicion that this entire Sirius Black affair is going to prove 
the last straw for the unstable young Florence, that it will be the 
catalyst which will push her right over the edge into Darkness.

Dumbledore's a smart guy that way.

And of course, his expression of weariness and sorrow right after 
witnessing that memory is two-fold.  He is actually mourning the 
sorry fates of not just one girl there, but *two*: both of Bertha 
Jorkins, whose tendency to nosiness and gossip brought her to such an 
unfortunate end, *and* of young Florence, who showed such great 
promise as a student and who might not have gone wrong at all, had 
she not been embittered at such a tender age by House rivalry and 
tragically Doomed Love.

<Elkins blinks back a few tears herself, then bats feebly at her eyes 
with a stray bloody feather>

So indeed, Contrary to Unrequited Passion Infelicitously Devouring 
Severus, Black's Love of an Unkmown Damsel *did* Get the Expected 
Response -- namely, pure and mutual hatred between Sirius and 
Severus, each of whom to this very day blames the other for the 
spiritual corruption and unlucky fate of a lovely young girl who 
might otherwise have grown up to do nothing more dire than bustle 
cheerfully around her kitchen, baking chockie-chip cookies for her 
passel of beautiful children.


-- Elkins, wondering if due to the sneakily subversive nature of this 
theory, it should rightfully be called "Cupid's Snitch."