Quaffling, Herm-eyeofevil-ne, Wizard justice, fickle Flo strikes again

[Tabouli]

No: HPFGUIDX 35630

Serenadust:
> Elkins, You've truly outdone yourself this time. I haven't had this much fun 
reading a series of posts since my first SHIPPING war.<

Hear hear.  I also thoroughly agree with her distinction between future fanfic and past fanspec.  See, I *told* you my Snape bio wasn't fanfic!

In fact, I'm so impressed, I'll present Elkins with a personalised acronym for her new theory:

C.U.P.I.D.'S.Q.U.A.F.F.L.E. (Cruelly Undermining Proud, Infatuated Damsel, Sirius Quickened Underage, Awkward Feminist Florence's Lapse into Evil)

Elkins (on my comparison of Sirius' "gloss" about the Lestranges with everyone's "gloss" of Lily):
> So does that mean that you really *are* on board with the whole 
Sirius-Has-Some-History-With-Mrs.-Lestrange thing then, Tabouli?<

(Tabouli, who has recently had an extended walk-in wardrobe built into her LOLLIPOPS cabin to accommodate all her new outfits, peeps out of a porthole)

I was, intones Captain Tabouli sternly, merely pointing out a similarity of logic, but now you mention it, perhaps the sharing of this glossy premise between the Bad Buoy CUPIDSQUAFFLE and the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS is worthy of a special friendship.  Maybe ships, like cities, could have twinning deals.  We could exchange students!  Have the captains shake hands in front of the municipal fountain for the cameras!  Unveil plaques for each other!  We must talk about this, Captain Elkins.  Here (says Captain Tabouli, discreetly hiding the parrot under her captain's hat and removing the knife from between her teeth), let me extend a plank... er, platform for discussion...

Elkins:
> Hermione Granger Is Ever So Evil?
Are you *mad,* woman?  I'd be *lynched!*
<pause>
All the same.  It is kind of...*tempting,* isn't it?<

(Captain Tabouli's hastily concealed single gold hoop earring twinkles evilly.  Was *all* of Hermione's fatigue in PoA *really* due to schoolwork?  What was she *really* up to with that Time Turner?  Is it really *her* choice to study sooo much, or is she being guided by a darker force?  Captain Tabouli shakes her head grimly, and adds a new entry to her agenda for discussion with Captain Elkins)


Debbie:
> Harry, on the other hand, who had a pitiful childhood and is haunted 
by the threat of LV, but has emerging spectacular magical ability, 
was in danger of turning into a superman superhero (the kiss of death 
in my popularity book), but admirably redeemed himself in GoF by 
acting on numerous occasions like a typical adolescent jerk.  (Three 
cheers for Harry the Date from Hell!)<

Ahaaaa. Excellent (Tabouli nips into the nearest telephone booth and emerges dressed all in yellow, her mouth making strange gulping motions.  For some reason, Nearly Headless Nick and Moaning Myrtle, who are drifting nearby, suddenly emit shrieks of terror and zip through the nearest wall).  Madam, may I present you with a PACMAN (Perfectly Angelic Characters Make Awful Novels) badge?

Elkins:
> I can't help but wonder if this really makes (Dementors who render
prisoners soulless and evil) the wisest choice
for guards of a prison to which criminals are sometimes incarcerated
for finite periods of time.  It seems rather self-defeating, don't
you think?<

Yeees, Wizard justice does seem to favour the stick over the carrot rather.  Perhaps it became stickier in response to the rise of Voldemort.  Indeed, it may even have parallelled his life story... the sinister, charming, handsome Tom Riddle was probably positively golden with carrots, so to speak, whereas Voldemort is definitely a stick.

Cindy:
> Trevor is no ordinary toad... When Evil Mrs. Lestrange and her gang 
> shoved their way into the Longbottom's home, Frank ...deposited 
> their souls into Trevor.

Do you realise, ladies and gentlemen of the list, that we have yet *another* woman without a given name rolling around in the canon?  Yes indeed, it's Mrs Longbottom!!  Could *she* have been the mysterious Florence?  After all, she could easily have been at school with Bertha Jorkins.  Perhaps *she* was smooching with *Mr* Lestrange behind the greenhouses, as he was stealthily laying the paving stones on her personal Road To Evil.  Mrs Lestrange never, ever forgot this.  While her husband was torturing Frank into madness, she tortured Mrs Florence Longbottom in a far more insidious way.  She let people assume Mrs Longbottom's madness was also the result of Crucio, but to this day only she, her husband and, unbeknownst to them, Spy Snape know the truth, which is that she *really* committed the far darker crime of transferring Mrs Longbottom's soul into a creature that bereft her not only of humanity, but of femininity...

...the body of a *male* toad.

(Though note that *Mr* Lestrange is *also* without a first name.  Another possibility is that Neville's toad is the Florence-snogging Trevor Lestrange, who deviously exchanged his soul with that of a toad's when he got wind of his arrest at the hands of vengeful Frank;  now spying on Harry and the other Gryffindor Enemies of Slytherin in the innocent guise of a household pet...)

Elkins:
> This is because as far as I can tell, I 
may well be young Barty's *only* true fan on this entire list.
I am therefore thrilled to support anything that might make him more 
sympathetic to other readers.<

(Tabouli hurries back to her cabin wardrobe, rips off her unflattering Pacman costume, and dons her BABEMEISTER T-shirt {Brilliant Actor Barty: Evil Man Easily, Infinitely Sexier Than Ex-Riddle}).  I don't know what qualifies one for True Fandom, but I've always avowed that Barty's performance as Moody would have had *me* hanging around backstage with an autograph book.  Fooling Dumbledore and all of Hogwarts for an entire year?  Now *there's* a villain with style.  OK, so he made a fatal error in his last hour, but we all have our off days.  Hey, if I developed a sudden Bad Boy hankering, Barty Junior would be the Death Eater for me!

saintbacchus:
> Petunia - Anger and resentment

Ahaaa!  It's a clue!  Maybe until Lily snared James, Petunia festered in silence, half-resentful, half-admiring of her sister's powers.  In fact, it was *Petunia*, Lily's slim, blonde Muggle sister, that James originally dated, after she turned up with her parents to watch a Hogwarts Quidditch match.  They exchanged passionate owls all through term, and met in Hogsmeade on weekends.  It wasn't until James' eye roved onto one of his "own kind", her red-haired little sister, that Petunia developed the blistering hatred and jealousy we see today.  In a final gesture of devastated defiance, she sent the happy couple a bouquet of petunias and then vowed to hate Wizardry and all the Potters' heirs and successors for the rest of her life...

Tabouli.


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