TBAY: Superfluous Canon Reprise (Plot Synopsis)

[elfundeb at aol.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 41188

Debbie, her brain slowly shifting from its semiconscious state back into full 
awareness, finds herself drifting in Theory Bay, clinging to a life vest 
aboard the ELVIRA lifeboat .  Beside her is a small bit of can(n)on, Harry at 
4:30 a.m.

Debbie wonders why she is here.  She has odd snippets of memory - or is it 
hallucinations - from the week or so.  Accusations of piracy . . . being 
thrown off the GARBAGE SCOW . . . Captain Cindy appearing before her with her 
great paddle yelling "Gilderoy Lockhart!" . . . Lockhart's face itself, 
mumbling incoherently about knowing the difference between a hawk and a 
handsaw.

And, more recently, someone called Erasmas, calling out over the Bay:

> I'm half expecting to see a switch to a synopsis for the remaining 
> books. In another interview Rowling said it's getting more and more 
> difficult to write in the essential background as required. Some of 
> it was a bit awkward for book 4; it's hardly surprising considering 
> how all the plot elements are so richly entwined.
> 
> Is anybody else expecting a synopsis for OOP? Would you prefer the 
> books to continue with the increasing number of asides so that each 
> book could be read easily without having read the rest of the series?
> 
Debbie begins groping for some real memories.  Ah, there's one!  Just before 
this all began, Debbie was safe at home, reading Goblet of Fire to her 
children.  That's a nice safe memory to dwell on for a moment.

"Chapter Two.  The Scar.  Harry lay flat on his back, breathing hard . . .<
reads 10 pages> . . . he started to get dressed before going down to 
breakfast."

"Mom?"  

"Yes?"

"Can we read another chapter?  That one was really boring.  Nothing happened."

"Of course something happened.  Harry's scar hurt!"

"But we already knew that from the first chapter.  That's why Harry woke up."

"But we learn how much Harry knows of what happened in Chapter 1."

"We need ten pages to tell us that when we already read it in Chapter 1?"

"No, there's lot's more going on.  Harry writes a letter to Sirius.  We learn 
that Sirius is hiding out in a tropical venue, because he's not sending his 
letters with owls."

"Mom  - Harry doesn't say anything in the letter.  He says his scar hurt.  We 
know that.  He says Dudley's angry about his diet and demolishes his 
Playstation.  But we learn all about his diet in Chapter 3.  And that 
Playstation is an anachronism, anyway.  Besides, Harry reads over the letter 
again in Chapter 3.

"And, Mom, look at all those other pages.  All worthless. Telling us how Ron 
and Hermione would react to the scar and the dream.  That's totally 
unnecessary, because in chapter 10, we see their reactions firsthand.   And, 
worst of all, the rest is all review, and half of it's not even important 
events.  His arm being deboned.  Moving pictures in his Chudley Cannons book. 
How he arrived at Hogwarts already famous."

"But she needed to put that in just in case someone hasn't read the first 
three books."

"But, Mom, who on earth would start with Book 4?  It would be a devastating 
mistake!  It would ruin the other books!  Look, she explains Sirius' 
innocence in *one* paragraph.  Can you imagine reading PoA for the first time 
*knowing* that Sirius is not guilty?  You wouldn't want to learn that from 
reading this little synopsis, would you?  Where would the Bang be?"  

The other child hands Debbie her well-worn copy of GoF.  "Mom, look, right 
here on the spine - it *says* it's Book 4 right there.  People should know 
better than to start here instead of with PS/SS."  

The first child adds, "The only thing that's missing in this chapter is a 
warning that it's full of spoilers that will ruin the first three books!" 

Debbie's children give her a hard thoughtful look.  Then the first one says 
softly, "A good edit would have eliminated that chapter altogether."  

The other one nods in agreement.  "Maybe that's why the next book is taking 
so long, to make sure it doesn't contain any disappointments like this."  
Mother and child ponder this for a moment.

The first child, however, is surveying Debbie critically, then asks, "Mom, 
why can't we have a Playstation like Dudley has?"  

Things are coming more clearly into focus now.   Debbie now recalls Captain 
Cindy's quotation from the Rulebook, the one only she is allowed to possess:

"Finding Superfluous Canon is not all that 
difficult. If JKR is adding things to the text that do not enhance 
or establish plot twists or significant events and are not 
entertaining or clever in and of themselves, then they *belong* in 
the Landfill."

Didn't Cindy also say,

"'The Portkey' is, without question, the 
*least* entertaining and *most* superfluous chapter in the series - 
hands down."

Debbie stands up in the paddleboat and, seeing the GARBAGE SCOW not too far 
off and Cindy herself patrolling the deck and chatting with Dicentra, calls 
out, "Dicentra!  Cindy!"

They hoisted their Omnioculars to their eyes . . . .

"It's me, Debbie.  You know, the *pirate* who' was *stealing* can(n)on from 
the GARBAGE SCOW awhile back. I have a new can(n)on to offer up to the 
GARBAGE SCOW.  "The Portkey" is *not* the worst chapter in HP.  I found 
another entire chapter so utterly superfluous that it cannot entertain an 
8-year-old child.  It makes the walk to Stoatshead Hill look like intense, 
gripping drama by comparison."

Whereupon Debbie marshals all her strength and heaves "The Scar" onto the 
GARBAGE SCOW.  Then she calls out to Erasmas, "I've got three votes here for 
eliminating all asides in text in future books.  Can you get a petition 
going?"  

Debbie
This post is dedicated to my children, who did indeed feel cheated by this 
chapter 

For an explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, visit
Hypothetic Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/files/Admin20Files/hypothe
ticalley.htm 

and Inish Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13




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