TBAY: Superfluous Canon Reprise (Aboard The Hogwarts Express)

Tue Jul 16 22:43:25 UTC 2002

No: HPFGUIDX 41317

The Captain perched on the edge of a rigid chair in a dimly lit room 
in the Theory Bay Tattoo Parlor, her jaw set against the prickling 
pain on her arm.  The tattoo artist straddled a low stool, his nose 
inches from her bicep as he squinted at his handiwork.  He stood 
suddenly, adding one final flourish before declaring it complete.  

"Moody & Rookwood 4 Eva," it read in scarlet letters.  

Glancing down, the Captain nodded with approval.  She reached into 
the deepest pocket of her uniform and paid the tattoo artist with a 
single gold coin.  

"You're leaving already?" he asked, tossing the coin into a rusty 
tin can.  "If we're going to immortalize all of your favorite canon 
theories as body art before Book 5, we have *got* to pick up the 
pace here."

"Actually, I think we have *plenty* of time," the Captain sighed.

"Come on.  You said it yourself – 'All Jobberknoll really needs is 
the perfect *body piercing.'*  I've been working on a *great* bird 
design, just for you," he implored.

"I know, I did say that."  The Captain tossed the tattoo artist 
another gold coin, which he palmed as he beamed a toothless 
grin.  "Look, I *have* to go.  I have a brand new canon for the 
GARBAGESCOW, but I'm not sure about this one.  I've got to ask 
Captain Dicentra, and I have *got* to get right over there before 
someone else grabs it.  Even the *pirates* around here are bringing 
canons to the GARBAGESCOW," she said.  

The Captain hoisted a large duffel that sagged with the weight of a 
single massive canon and apparated to the deck of the GARBAGESCOW, 
appearing next to a breathless and excited Dicentra.

"Captain Cindy!" Dicentra gasped.  "You will not *believe* what's 
happening!  That pirate Debbie and her kids just dropped off a 
*huge* new canon – 'The Scar,' Chapter 2 of GoF!  I didn't know a 
canon could even *be* this Big!  I mean, look at the *size* of this 
thing!  I can barely --"

"Yes, that *is* a humdinger, I'll give you that," the Captain 
admitted.  She took Dicentra by the shoulders and fixed her with a 
penetrating stare, hoping to distract Dicentra from Debbie's 
canon.  "But I have one heck of a canon right here, and it might be 
*perfect* for the landfill.  Right up there with GoF Chapter 6, 'The 
Portkey.'"

"What?" Dicentra cried.  "Two enormous canons in one *week?*  Oh, 
don't *tease* me like that, Captain!"

"No, I'm serious.  But I'm not sure about this one.  I really need 
your professional opinion as Captain of the GARBAGESCOW about 
whether this new canon belongs on your Ship."

Dicentra squared her shoulders, steeling herself to pass judgment on 
the new canon, and the Captain knelt to unzip the duffel.  A 
brilliant glow filled the night sky as the canon gave off a golden 
light.  Dicentra shielded her eyes as the Captain raised the 
glimmering canon from the folds of sturdy canvas.  "It's GoF Chapter 
11, 'Aboard the Hogwarts Express.'  Well, not the whole thing, 
though.  Chapter 11 starts out with Amos Diggory's head appearing in 
the fireplace and the story of how Moody was abducted, although we 
don't know Moody was abducted at the time.  That part's OK."

"Yes, I see that," Dicentra said.  "The stuff about Moody is 
important, that's not superfluous."

"And there is some background about Durmstrang, although we could 
*easily* get this stuff when the Durmstrang students actually show 
up."

"OK, that could go either way," Dicentra agreed.

"But then we start to get into some trouble.  Mrs. Weasley calls a 
cab, and the main characters are driven to the train station.  They 
go through the barrier, which we've seen in prior books and which 
doesn't matter at all in this book, so to keep it *exciting*, we're 
told that they go through in groups instead of solo – "

"That's supposed to be *exciting?*" Dicentra asked incredulously.

"Hold on, you're getting ahead of me."  The Captain waved her hand 
impatiently.  "Then, they board the train and have conversations in 
which the Triwizard Tournament is foreshadowed.  Harry doesn't know 
that something Big is coming, but Mrs. Weasley, Charlie, Bill, and 
Draco do."

"But what's the point of all of this foreshadowing of the Touranment 
on the train?"

"Ya got me," said the Captain.  "It seems really unnecessary to me.  
I mean, the existence of the Tournament and the secrecy of it was 
already foreshadowed in Chapter 7, 'Bagman and Crouch.'  Besides, 
what *difference* does it make to the plot if some people like Draco 
know about the Tournament ahead of time and others don't?"

"I – I –"  Dicey stammered, "I don't know."

"Well, *I* know!" the Captain cried.  "It makes no difference at 
all!  The only one who *has* to know about the Tournament this early 
in the book is Bertha, and by extension Wormtail, Crouch Jr. and 
Voldemort.  And this foreshadowing on the train stuff has nothing to 
do with establishing *that.*  For all we care, the Hogwarts students 
can all find out in the Great Hall when Dumbledore announces the 
Tournament."

Dicentra's brow furrowed.  "Well, OK.  I guess foreshadowing can be 
superfluous.  But that means only a small part of the chapter is 
filler."

"Oh, but there's *more,*" the Captain went on.  "The end of the 
Chapter kind of *fizzles,* doesn't it?  Draco comes in and irritates 
Ron, Ron gets angry and then . . . "

"Oh, dear," Dicentra muttered.  "I see it now.  It just . . . it 
just kind of *peters out*, doesn't it?"

"Oh, 'peters out' is being *generous.*  It just *sits* there like 
dead weight.  Chapter endings are supposed to be *interesting,* 
right?  They're supposed to make you want to keep reading, right?  
And there are some *fabulous* chapter endings in all four of the 
books.  Well, look how 'Aboard The Hogwarts Express' ends:

*****************

"'Oooh, I wouldn't fancy crossing the lake in this weather,' said 
Hermione fervently, shivering as they inched slowly along the dark 
platform with the rest of the crowd.  A hundred horseless carriages 
stood waiting for them outside the station.  Harry, Ron, Hermione, 
and Neville climbed gratefully into one of them, the door shut with 
a snap, and a few moments later, with a great lurch, the long 
procession of carriages was rumbling and splashing its way up the 
track toward Hogwarts Castle."

*********************

"So, after going to all of this effort to establish this ferocious 
storm, we learn that *other* characters – characters we haven't met 
and don't even care about -- will brave this storm by crossing the 
lake with Hagrid, while our fearless hero Harry will climb into a 
carriage for a cushy ride to a castle," the Captain said. 

"Gee, you've got a *point* there," Dicentra said.  "I mean, that 
chapter ending does make me want to roll over in my bed and just 
call it a night.  I can't see staying awake to read the next chapter 
after *that.*"

The Captain extended the gleaming canon to Dicentra, who accepted it 
gingerly.  "So, then," the Captain said, "doesn't this canon 
*belong* on the GARBAGESCOW?  Isn't it *perfect?*  Is there any 
conceivable argument about why the Tournament foreshadowing and the 
chapter ending don't belong in the Theory Bay Landfill?"  The 
Captain stepped forward, pressing the canon more firmly into 
Dicentra's arms, which shook visibly under the strain of holding it 
up.  "Well.  Come on.  It's *superfluous,* don't you think?"

"Well . . . uh. . . " Dicentra bit her lower lip, frowning 
deeply.  "Er, can I get *back* to you on that?"

**************

Cindy

**************

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