I’m a Dark Arts Prof (filk)

[coriolan_cmc2001]

No: HPFGUIDX 41369

Note: I don't really think that Snape wants to be DADA prof, but once 
this scenario suggested itself, it was irresistible.

I'm a Dark Arts Prof

(to the tune of the beloved Monty Python standard, I'm a Lumberjack)

Dedicated to Nuria

THE SCENE: The Potion Dungeon. SNAPE is conducting what appears to be 
a routine class

SNAPE (spoken, to Neville)
Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours? 
Didn't you hear me say, quite clearly, that only one rat spleen was 
needed? Didn't I state plainly that a dash of leech juice would 
suffice? What do I have to do to make you understand, Longbottom?

(A sudden change of lighting as SNAPE undergoes a complete change of 
heart)

SNAPE: 
I- I never wanted to teach Potions in the first place! I wanted to 
be... a Dark Arts Prof! Leaping from troll to troll, as we fight down 
the mighty rivers of Scandinavia! The Giant Redcap! The Knarl! The 
Fairy! The mighty Runespoor! The lofty powerful Centaur! The plucky 
little Augerey! The wimpy Grindylow of Albania! The sourpuss 
Werewolves of Abingdon! The Mackled Malaclaw of  Weybridge! The 
naughty Lethifold  like a cloak! The flatulent Gnomes of West 
Bromwich! The Quintaped, Manticore, Basilisk & Glumbumble! The 
Erumpent! The ferocious Flobberworm!

With my best enemy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!

(singing)
I'm a Dark Arts Prof, I do AK. 
I snore all night and I teach all day.

STUDENTS: 
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK. 
He snores all night and he'll teach all day.

SNAPE: 
I cast dark spells, I score my tests
I go to the laboratory
On Wednesdays I start chopping
Cabbages and celery.

STUDENTS:
He casts dark spells, he scores his tests
He goes to the laboratory
On Wednesdays he starts chopping
Cabbages and celery.

He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK. 
He snores all night and he'll teach all day

SNAPE: 
I kill off imps. I crumple Crups. 
I destroy the Occamy
I put on DE garments 
And worship Lord Voldy

STUDENTS:
He kills off imps. He crumples Crups. 
He destroys the Occamy
He puts on DE garments 
And worships Lord Voldy??????

He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK. 
He snores all night and he'll teach all day

SNAPE: 
I shrug off Shrakes. I wear Dark Marks, 
And Muggles I torture 
I love being a DE 
Just like ol' Dumbledore

STUDENTS:
He shrugs off Shrakes. He wears Dark Marks, 
And Muggles he tortures

(talking)
What's this? Wants to be a DE?! Whatever! 
Just like Dumbledore!? TBAY-er!

(singing)
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK. 
He snores all night and he'll teach all day

SNAPE & STUDENTS
I'm/He's a Dark Arts Prof, I/he do/does AK. 
I/He snore(s) all night and I/he'll teach all day

  - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm