TBAY: HIDING THEFT and DOCTOR FLOWER

[cindysphynx]

No: HPFGUIDX 41418

The Captain lay peacefully on her rock hard bunk, dozing before an 
evening schedule packed with creative theorizing.  In particular, 
she hoped finally to convince Pippin that Snape is not, never was, 
and never will be a vampire.  As Pippin is a formidable opponent, 
the Captain would surely need her rest.

Suddenly, there was a soft "plink" as something small bounced off 
the porthole.  A pause, then another plink.  Irritated, the Captain 
rose from her bunk to investigate and peered out of the porthole 
just as another pebble struck the glass.  

The Captain blinked, hard.  It was a newcomer to the Bay – and the 
upstart had brought his very own vessel, complete with snappy 
acronyms stenciled neatly on the side.  He hadn't managed to link 
the theories together, though, and he balanced precariously as he 
tried to keep them from skittering out from under him.  Sensing 
trouble, the Captain hurried to the deck, her black nightgown 
billowing behind her, her boots clunking on the steel stairs.

She leaned over the railing, cupping her hands over her mouth.  "Yo, 
sailor!" she bellowed.  "What on earth *are* those theories you have 
there?  Is that supposed to be some sort of *Ship?*  'Cause we have 
*standards* for proper vessels around here, you know!"

The newcomer startled, pinwheeling his arms as he tottered to the 
left and splashed awkwardly into the Bay.  One of the pontoons 
cuffed him in the head as he emerged, visibly dazed.

"Well, Mate," he called in a heavy Australian accent, "both of my 
ships were built around Fleur's comment at the end of GoF, where she 
says 'I am 'oping to get a job 'ere, to improve my Eenglish'.  I 
founded the HIDING THEFT: Hagrid Is Dead. Is New Groundskeeper 
Trustworthy? Hogwarts Employs Fleur as Teacher."

"Hang on!" the Captain broke in.  Did you say something about Hagrid 
*dying?*  How does Hagrid die, *exactly?*  Is it really awful, 
really painful, really *Bangy?*  'Cause if *that's* what you have in 
mind, I might have an entire *deck* on the Big Bang Destroyer here 
that would be *perfect* for you and your new dazzling Hagrid 
theory." 

"Uh . . . " the newcomer paused, perplexed.  "Well, yes, Hagrid 
*has* to die; I won't bore you much with this stuff, except to --"

"Oh, *believe* me, there is nothing *boring* about imaging Hagrid's 
death.  Let's see.  Maybe the Giant Squid will *eat* Hagrid.  Or," 
the Captain's eyes grew wide, "or maybe Hagrid will die at 
Fridwulfa's hand!  Or Real Moody will – "

"Uh . . . see, my focus isn't on *how* Hagrid dies," said the 
newcomer quickly.  "That bit doesn't matter.  The important part is 
what Hagrid's death will mean for *Fleur.*  See, Hagrid represents 
Harry's childhood.  As Harry *lost* his innoncence after the 
graveyard scene, it makes sense symbolically that Hagrid has to be 
removed somehow, in order for Harry to develop."

"Oooh," breathed the Captain.  "Hagrid *has* to die.  It's no longer 
a matter of *personal preference* for me.  It's *inevitable!*  Oh, 
that's even *better.*  A new Hagrid's Inevitable Death theory.  That 
definitely belongs on the Big Bang!  Let me get you a life preserver 
so that you can bring it on board, sailor."

"No, no.  We're talking about *Fleur* here," the newcomer 
insisted.  "We know that CoMC doesn't require much teaching 
experience, just sufficient knowledge.  Now, there isn't much canon 
to support Fleur knowing a lot about magical creatures, but I draw 
your attention to two instances in GoF. Firstly, there are the giant 
Beauxbatons horses; although this is not conclusive, it would seem 
highly likely that if Beauxbatons has such creatures at its 
disposal, the students would be quite adept at handling the 
creatures.  Secondly, and more conclusively, there is the first 
task.  Fleur is able to entrance her dragon with a single charm, 
when it took the combined power of three trained wizards to subdue 
them.  Only Fleur used a method to *control* the dragon.  So Fleur 
very well could become a CoMC teacher."

"Oh, that's *very* good.  Very good indeed," the Captain 
said.  "Because as we see in the First Task, Fleur really is a lot 
like Hagrid.  Look how she reacts when she learns she is facing a 
Welsh Green – 'determined resignation.'  And when that Welsh Green 
set her on fire, she didn't even bat an eye – she just doused the 
flames.  Just the way Hagrid isn't at all bothered by the skrewts.  
He's not afraid of fire either."  The Captain nodded 
enthusiastically.  "Yes, if Fleur isn't the least bit intimidated by 
vicious dragons, she should do just fine as a CoMC teacher.  

The Captain's eyes fixed on the second pontoon, which was drifting 
just outside the newcomer's grasp.  "But what's that other pontoon 
you have there?" 

Encouraged, the newcomer flung himself toward the second pontoon and 
wrapped his arms around it.  "It's DOCTOR FLOWER, which stands for:  
Death Of Charms Teacher Obligates Replacement. Fleur Leaps Out as 
Worthy, Enchanting Recruit.  For this to occur, Professor Flitwick 
has to die – "

"Whoa!" the Captain leaned even farther over the railing.  "You're 
going to kill off *Flitwick* too?  No one around here has even 
*bothered* to kill off Flitwick.  Heck, that's Bangy just because it 
would be such a complete *surprise* to everyone."  

"Um . . .  right.  See, Flitwick is a dueling champion, and Flitwick 
was patrolling outside the maze in the Third Task."  The newcomer 
paused to spit out a mouthful of water.  "That shows Flitwick will 
be a crucial player in Dumbledore's fight against evil, so it makes 
sense that he could be an early casualty, or be needed somewhere 
else."

An enormous wave crashed over the newcomer's head as he spoke, but 
he shook the water from his eyes and went on.  "Now Fleur is more 
suited to teach Charms (over CoMC); look at her performance in the 
first two tasks. In the first tasks, she used a very powerful charm 
on the dragon. And in the second task, she still managed to get 50% 
of the available points due to her 'excellent use of the Bubblehead 
Charm'. So her obvious forte is in charmwork."  

"Wow!  That really makes sense," the Captain exclaimed.  "I cannot 
*believe* you got all of those huge, robust canons on your little 
pontoon thingy like that.  That is *really* impressive."

"So, then," the newcomer asked, extending a frozen hand toward the 
Big Bang.  "Do you think you could toss me a life preserver, a life 
jacket, a styrofoam ice chest – *anything* at all I could hang 
onto?  To keep from *drowning,* I mean?"

The Captain beamed at him.  "Nah, you don't need any of that stuff.  
You just need something to tie your pontoons together."

The newcomer's face fell.  "Well, you know, I tried that, but I 
couldn't come up with another Fleur theory that wouldn't draw a 
Yellow Flag.  And even *one* Yellow Flag would be enough to sink me 
straight to the bottom of the Bay, as you can see.  But maybe if you 
look in the Theory Bay Rulebook --"

"Oh, you don't need the Rulebook for this, sailor," the Captain said 
easily.  All you need is GoF Ch. 18, 'The Weighing of the Wands.'  
What happens when Mr. Ollivander inspects Fleur's wand?"

"Uh . . . " began the newcomer.  "You know, I'm having some trouble 
*thinking clearly* because of the *hypothermia* –"

"He made a bunch of flowers 'burst' from the wand tip!" the Captain 
cried.  "Flowers!  *Flowers,* don't you see?  Even though Mr. 
Ollivander claims veela hairs make a wand temperamental, Mr. 
Ollivander can still make real *flowers* come out of Fleur's wand.  
Besides, 'Fleur" *means* 'flower!'  Don't you see!  JKR is telling 
us that Fleur will be the next *Herbology* teacher!  And that means 
that Professor *Sprout* will die, or in the vernacular of Herbology 
teachers, Sprout will be pushing up *daisies* in OoP!"

The Captain tossed the newcomer a green gardening stake and a length 
of twine.  He hurriedly tied the stake between his two pontoons, his 
cold fingers fumbling over the knots.

"What shall I call this new theory – the part about Fleur being the 
new Herbology teacher?" he shouted as he clambered aboard his Ship.

The Captain shrugged.  "Oh, I have no idea.  You might try 'Fluer Is 
Going To Take Over For Sprout When Sprout Kicks The Bucket 
(F.I.G.T.T.O.F.S.W.S.K.T.B).  

"But, you know," she said, giving the newcomer a wry 
smile, "acronyms were never my strong suit."

Cindy

**************

For an explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, visit
Hypothetic Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/files/Admin20Files/hypoth
eticalley.htm 

and Inish Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13